You Suddenly Complete Me
by CileSuns92
Summary: Set after 7x03, MerDer, deals with the aftermath of her miscarriage and their reactions to rebuild what they have lost. My first published story.  COMPLETE
1. Why Can't We Just Look The Other Way?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. All Shonda.**

**Ok, this is my first story. I'll publish it as a one shot, for now. I still need to finish it, I'll be working on it during Christmas break at school, so yeah, I'll need a little more time to figure things out and decide to publish the rest of it. ****I just hope you'll enjoy. [Oh, and review, please, I'd love to hear your opinions and critics]. Something might be off, English is not my mother language, just mail me when you find something odd, alright? ****Thank you in advance! **

**Well, back to the story...Set in early Season 7, after Meredith drops the baby bomb to Derek. This is Derek's point of view in a random evening after 7x02/7x03. I know that books could have been written after the Season 6 finale and the aftermath. I hope it won't be boring or banal.**

**The overall title is a line stolen from the song Hysteric, by Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I have to thank them for the great album It's Blitz! and the great inspiration from it. If you don't know the song, please find it on YouTube or whatever, it's worth the search. The acoustic versions are magic. Just listen, then. The main inspiration instead, came from Evil by Interpol. I suggest you to look for it as well.**

**Ok, I'll stop rambling...Enjoy and review!**

_**Why Can't We Just Look The Other Way?**_

_She opened her eyes, and green_

_They shone, clear like flowers undone_

_For the first time, now for the first time seen._

_David Herbert Lawrence_

Meredith entered in our bedroom quietly. She had a satisfied face, even if her frown reminded me too much about what she said that afternoon about her miscarriage. She looked at me with her puppy dog eyes, as I watched her lying on the bed next to me.

«Where's Cristina?»

«She's home. With Owen»

«Is she ok?»

«Yeah, she is»

«Are you?»

She slightly smiled, then went to the bathroom. I watched her walking out and immediately I felt tears in my eyes, like I was blaming myself for not caring enough, not noticing enough, not being enough for her. Even if that broken, she has always looked the same, or maybe I was too busy speeding around with my brand new black toy and feeling the adrenaline to be focused on her. When she spoke up about the baby, it was like waking up from anesthesia. She supported me the whole time, while I was just letting her down. I was crying then, heavy tears lining down to my neck and I was unable to wipe them away. I sighed and, in the following moment of silence, I heard a similar sound coming from the bathroom. With my thumb I wiped my cheeks, knowing that I had to do the same on her beautiful face too. _I had to breathe for her again. And she deserved it._ I walked out the bedroom and I saw the bathroom's door open, the light clearing the whole way to her. As I stood at the door, she was standing in front of the mirror wearing only her bra and my gray pants, staring at her perfectly fit, too flat belly. Big tears were streaming down to her collarbone, silently. She didn't look up, even if I knew she heard me coming in. My swollen eyes admired her perfection for a moment, then I stepped ahead and I wrapped my arms around her belly, resting my warm hands on her cold skin. Her back slowly leaned to my chest, and so did her cheek, stroking mine and mixing our tears. She put her hands over mine, before bursting into more tears and sobs, desperately holding tightly and cradling on me. I rocked and lulled her, my arms still softly but steadily wrapped around her, my thumb rubbing her skin where once rested our 5-weeks miracle.

«Shhhh» I whispered softly in her ear, before kissing her neck, our tears still running wild and her sobs impossible to soothe. As I held myself together and my cheeks started to dry, she wasn't even close to be calm. I gently turned her around and I tightly hid her in my hug, stroking her shoulders in soothing circles. Her tears were still soaking my indigo t-shirt, but her sighs were calming down. Her cheek was resting quietly on my chest, her eyes closed and her arms tightly folded around my hips, while I was rubbing her back. She was finally quiet, her breathing back to normal, her cheeks still spotted with tears. I wiped her face with my thumb, caressing her jaw and lifting up her chin to softly kiss her salty lips. The look she gave me when she opened her eyes was so intense I thought I could cry again instantly, but I held myself together. I hadn't any right to break down in front of her. I kissed the top of her head, before she unfolded our hug and grabbed her t-shirt near the basin. She firmly held my hand and guided me back to bed, where we lied down next to each other. She immediately leaned her head on my shoulder and I shifted my arm behind her, bending it over her hip, gently caressing her from the shoulder down to her thigh. Her hand fell lightly on my chest, right on the surgery's scar, rubbing it softly with her thumb, as to remind why we were curled in such tight hug. We were both staring blankly in front of us, before I kissed her forehead, right below the hairline, and she spoke in a thick, muffled voice.

«It felt good» she said, still rubbing my chest during a long, silent pause. «It felt good to think about someone growing inside of me. Our someone.»

I wasn't able to say anything to her, too captivated by her hard but clear words. I was feeling her warm body on my side, her feet moving along my lower leg and still, I wasn't able to say anything that didn't sound stupid or unneeded. After many minutes of silence ticked away, she had closed her eyes and was looking tired and somehow sore, so I mumbled: «Do you want to switch off the light and sleep?» my voice came out kind of broken, like it wasn't me speaking. _Stupid question, seriously._

«Can we stay up a little more? Talk maybe...»

«Of course» I answered, brushing her freshly washed hair. The lavender smell was filling my lungs and her warmth was heating the clean sheets. I wasn't able to close my eyes either.

«I am so sorry Meredith» I said then, visibly swallowing, trying hard to meet her talking request.

«I'm sorry too. About everything.»

«I was a jerk. A stupid, uncaring husband while you were looking after me so kindly. I was too busy with myself. I promise it won't happen again»

«I was busy with myself too. You had the right to know»

«Not when I was acting like a dumb teenager who's showing off his brand new car to impress the girls around. I've never been that guy and I'm sorry it happened.»

«It's ok Derek. No running. You speeded enough in the past weeks...»

«I should knew better»

«It doesn't matter. You're here now and I need you to be here a little while longer»

«I'm not going anywhere.»

She looked up, gazing intensely in my eyes and I got lost in all the green and the blue and the grey and the tears mixed together, almost eaten up by the depth and the power of her stare. Her lips stretched a tiny smile after I kissed her, then she leaned again her head on my shoulder, caressing my cheek with her soft fingers.

«I love you, Derek»

«I love you too. It's gonna be ok...» I said, believing it would really turn better. The situation could hardly be worse, actually. We silently rubbed our bodies for a while, softly feeling the presence of one another.

«Does it hurt? The scar I mean...» she asked in a small voice, touching lightly my healed wound hidden under that light piece of cloth.

«No, it just prickles from time to time. I'm fine. How about you?»

«Still healing. At least I'm cleared for surgery now...» she lightened up the conversation just a little.

«You wanna work with me tomorrow?»

«I think I'll stay with Cristina»

«You both can assist, I have a couple of routine procedures, I won't mind you»

«I don't think she's ready, or if I am either»

«You should try to see how it feels»

«Maybe»

«You wanna talk about that day?»

«Not really.» A second of silence drifted in «Will you drive me to work tomorrow?» She was so good in suddenly changing topic.

«Of course. I'll be out in early evening»

«I'm off at 6»

«Do you wanna have dinner with me?»

«We dinner together since you moved in, Derek».

Her beautiful mind was clearly somewhere else.

«I mean out, somewhere you'd like»

«Like a date?» her face was surprised, but strangely pleased, a hint of a smile finally reaching to her lips

«If you want to consider that a date, then yes, as a date»

«Ok then» her lips outlined a real smile, before meeting mine. She sweetly shifted her weight a little more over me, tenderly beginning a long, soft series of surprising kisses, cupping my face with her hands.

«You didn't like dates before» I interrupted her ritual, our noses touching

«I do like them now. And I like the way you were so excited before inviting me to dinner, all dressed up and nervous. The true McDreamy just popped out» she giggled, sparkles of happiness materializing in her eyes. It had been a long time since those sparkles were there.

«You still McDreamy me?»

«Cristina reminded me about that, you don't like it anymore?»

«Oh, I love it.»

«I can't help but McDreamy you sometimes» she widely smiled again, brushing my hair while kissing me one more time.

«It feels good having you here, McDreaming me»

«It feels better having you alive» I kissed her back «Thank you» she added then, her eyes darkening just a little. I should make her smile again.

«For what?»

«Sticking around and not being an ass»

«I was an ass»

«Not tonight. It's enough...»

«It's not. I want to be better»

«I wish I could be better too.»

«We'll get through this, right?»

«We are survivors, Derek. We will. Day after day it will get better»

I didn't answered anything, I just held her even closer to my side, letting silence answer for me.

«I knew about it in the morning. I wanted to wait dinner to tell you, eat and then snuggle on the couch, but you know how it ended...»

I just nodded, trying to stretch a smile that just moved a little the corners of my mouth. I remembered her coming into my office that morning, realizing too late the glowing face she had on and how little attention I paid to her.

«I'm sorry about the morning too, when you stopped in my office»

«It wouldn't have been a problem, Derek. It's ok, we can't rewind and rewrite»

«I wish we could»

She closed her eyes and a tear slipped out, almost unnoticed. She tightened her arms under my ribs.

«Can you wait some more time to hear other details about that day?»

«You can talk to me any day you want, I'll be listening»

«Ok. It just felt good that morning. As everything was in its right place. Our sandcastle was finished...»

«But it came the tide»

«Yeah. Holding a gun.» she pressed her finger on my scar, just lightly.

«The tide is gone, now. And we're building our castle again» a tiny smile popped on my face

«Far from the water?» her voice childish and unsteady

«Yeah, even if we have to dig more to find wet sand»

«We'll dig»

«We are digging already»

She let out a smile, before closing her eyes on my chest.


	2. How To Build A Home

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I cannot own Grey's Anatomy. (Ok, that sounded a lot like Fight Club, sorry...)**

**Here we go. I received enough good/enthusiastic reviews, so I decided to keep going and add some chapters. Many people subscribed, some other added it to favorites and I was pleasantly surprised by the response. Thank you everybody!**

**Back to the story, the title is a song from The Cinematic Orchestra, the one in the background during the final scene of the first episode in season 4. I googled it ;) Beautiful, beautiful song. **

**Just tell me also if having a quote before the real chapter annoys you or you like it...Enjoy this chapter like you had done with the previous one!**

**Meredith's perspective. I'll keep switching them, but I'll always write who's speaking.**

**How To Build A Home**

_Let's get rich and build a house on the mountain_

_Making everybody look like ants_

_From way up there_

_You and I_

_Ingrid Michaelson_

"You should be here helping Cristina, not looking through my mother's journals!" I blurted. In that moment I reminded why I didn't like dates in the fist place: dressing up.

"Pick the easiest to take off. McDreamy will be glad"

"Please!"

"Ok, fine, the red one is nice"

I took a red cotton gown, knee-length and sleeveless. I think I've never wore that dress before and I couldn't remember which one of them Derek had already seen and took off, as Cristina liked to point out.

"Do you think I'll need a jacket?"

"It's October, Mer. We're in Seattle..."

"I hate dates!"

"You should have told him"

"I want to have an happy evening with him. It's been a while, you know..."

"You're not doing it like bunnies every night lately?"

"Not at all"

"That's bad. I thought you being married would get you lucky everywhere"

"We used to. It's not the same Cristina..."

"I know. Sorry."

"I told him. About the baby."

"Oh." she showed genuine surprise "And?"

"We cried. Actually I cried and he just held me. I feel bad though of how I said it. It seemed unfair or something, like he was guilty..."

"So you're going out to make it up to him"

"Sort of. The red one then?" I tied to change subject to avoid her further questions

"Yeah. Definitely"

"Go, get the hell out of here, go consume your marriage!" I tried to lighten up the mood.

"Dates make you porny Mer"

"Thanks Cristina" I giggled

"Good luck tonight!" she smirked, walking out.

I sat in my lingerie on the bed, my legs crossed. We would definitely not get lucky tonight. We barely touched each other, lately. I barely touched him, actually. Last night was an exception, but I missed him so much. We lost a baby and I almost lost him, how could he think about dates and sex?

But I wore lingerie anyway.

"I'd love you to date me like that"

Derek's smirk greeted me as I tilted up my head. He was wearing a very nice black tuxedo, a white shirt and a black tie as well. I loved him in a tie. The way he leaned against doorframes always melted me from the inside out. I let out a smile.

"I think the other customers would mind"

"What other costumers?" he grinned

"Where do you want to kidnap me?"

"Oh, you'd love it"

"I think that it's better if I wear a dress anyway"

"I hope you won't need it at the end of the night" he teased. I stood up, trying to avoid him seeing my doubtful look, my smile suddenly faded. I wore my red dress and he helped me zip it. His soft hands on my back made me shiver. I leaned to his touch, goose bumps all over my back, pulling away too quickly. The same hands held my empty belly last night.

He looked concerned as I hurried out to grab my purse and my coat downstairs.

"Where are we going?" I asked, as soon as we were in the car. He hushed, but as soon as he turned right, I already knew where we were headed. Ferryboats.

"You're taking me on a ferryboat!" I felt my eyes already full of tears.

"And ferryboats are just the beginning" he grinned

"I love you" I muttered. He smiled happily at me. I think I've never told him out loud "I love you" two days in a row before. After the shooting it was easier to say. And more painful. It ran through my whole body every time those words traveled out of me.

"Save those for tonight" he grinned, looking back at the road. It had been three weeks of avoidance. He was getting frustrated every time I invented something to end up every dirty proposal from him. I felt so guilty.

"Look at that" he said, pointing me the dock with a shiny ferryboat.

"That's beautiful. Why we've never done this before?"

"Because you don't like stuff that couples do" he smirked

I looked out of the window, then back at his features. His grin made him look like a little boy too grown. He helped me out of the car and we stood on the deck of the ferryboat, the chilly wind roaming around us.

"Cold?" he asked, wrapping closely around me.

"I'm ok now" I smiled at him, squeezing his hand in mine. "Are we going somewhere or we'll just stand here?"

"We're going somewhere you already love"

"So I know this place..."

"Better than you think"

After his smile, his gaze drifted away to the water and I knew exactly where we were headed. I grinned.

"We're going to the Land. Your land. Ours, whatever" He flashed a smile as I rambled

"Do you like it?"

"It's lovely, Derek. Seriously..."

I leaned closer and I kissed him, then we kept quiet until we were back in the car

"What is that?" I asked, pointing a little frog on his dashboard. I've always noticed it, but never asked where it came from, the silence in the car was slightly becoming unpleasant.

"That's from my Dad. My last birthday with him..."

"I'm sorry" Silence maybe would have been better

"It's ok, you asked" tears were welling up in his eyes.

I brushed lightly his arm and he smiled back.

"I didn't even liked it that much, at first. He said me it was supposed to bring me luck, but I hided it in a drawer after he died. When I went packing to move to Seattle, I found it again and I brought it with me. It's there from the night we met at Joe's"

"Oh Derek" a tear slipped down his cheek as I sighed

"It' fine, I want us to tell things"

It was sunset when we arrived at the trailer and everything had a red shade. It was heavenly.

"I can't believe we're going to live here someday" I asked in disbelief, walking closer to grab his hand. It still felt good to hold to him, our hands still fitting perfectly together.

"About that..." he added, before taking me away with his grip. We cautiously walked a few moments – glad he reminded about my heels – turning behind a bunch of trees and, where usually there were just grass and insects, now there were walls. And a porch. And a roof.

That was our house.

"Derek" I babbled, unable to form a clear sentence. I was looking at our house!

"These are just the walls, I know, but we can walk in. I wanted to surprise you"

"You did"

"You wanna see it?"

"Yes!" It was too many weeks I've haven't seen us so happy.

We walked closer and he helped me through the two steps to the porch. I turned back and the sun was setting right in front of us. I squeezed his hand.

"Ok, this is the living room." he gestured. A big, wall-wide space for a window, just like in our plans. "Oh, you already know that!" he smirked

"It's amazing Derek"

"It's unfinished. We can go upstairs, if you want..." I nodded, then I took off my heels and we stepped upstairs. Our bedroom was huge, so was our private bathroom. He was about to walk back downstairs, when I walked to the other side of the corridor. I lingered at a doorframe, still without a door actually, knowing exactly what that room would have been used for. Nursery.

"Mer" I felt tears in my eyes as soon as he whispered my name and put his arm around my waist.

"I'm sorry" I know I was crying then

"We're gonna raise our kids here, I promise."

"I know. It's not just that. I'm sorry for everything Derek"

"What? You've been great, Mer" I shook my head, still sobbing.

"I pushed you away"

"You didn't" his reassuring hands drifted to my hips

"I merely kissed you in the past three weeks"

"It's fine"

"No, it's not" my tone was angry. I ruined everything.

"I've been speeding too much lately, I'm giving you all the time you need"

"I want you to have kids"

"We have a lifetime together, Meredith" he kissed the top of my head as I nestled in the crook of his neck, still crying.

"I'm sorry, I ruined everything"

"You're not ruining anything. We're telling things"

"I've never been afraid of us Derek. That freaks me out" I muttered, hiding even deeper in his chest.

"You're not afraid of us. You're afraid of what happened"

"It happened to us"

"It won't happen again"

"What if it does happen?"

"We'll know how to deal with it" He hugged me even tighter, trying to soothe my sobs, brushing my hair.

"You cooked me dinner?" I asked, looking up after an endless silence where I absorbed his calming words, then I finally calmed down.

"I ordered Italian take-away" I kissed him, as a thank you for everything.

"Let's go" I wasn't hungry anymore, but as soon as we sat on our new home's porch, everything seemed to fall into place again. I sat across Derek, immediately grabbing his hand.

"Thank you, this was beautiful" I told him after we finished our dinner, that was relatively quiet.

"Is a date, it has to be" his cocky smile made me smirk as well.

"Can you believe we'll eat here in 20 years?". He grinned widely "What?"

"Nothing. You look beautiful" I grinned back

"Can we stay at the trailer tonight?"

"Why not...You want some privacy?"

"I just want to be you and me alone for a while"

"Of course."

He ran his hand through a lock of hair down to my chest and I felt goose bumps again. Not from the cold, neither for the fact that his hands comforted me the night before. It was just him, touching me. Just like before.

"Come on in" I hurried

"Isn't too cold here?"

"We can heat it up" I said, grabbing his face with my hands and kissing him right after he closed the door with his feet. We both smiled wryly, his eyes darkening with anticipation.

"That was explicit!" he teased, as soon as we breathed for air. He kept trailing soft kisses on my neck and it was almost impossible to think straight.

"It's been a while, I'm sorry" I mumbled

"You don't have to. I kept blurting out...things"

"Kids. You can say that. It's fine"

"Really?" I kissed him again, taking off his jacket as an answer. In a moment we were rolling half naked on the bed, then he stopped kissing me to grab something in the nightstand.

"Please" I moaned

"Condom" he smirked, running back his kisses down my neck

"We...don't need..." he was already blurring my mind with his mouth all over my body

"What?" he asked, taking off my bra and grazing graciously my breasts

"We'll see what happens" I managed to say straight, despite him

"You wanna try again?"

"We never tried in the first place. It just happened. We'll just let it happen again." I don't know how I was able to tell him that long sentence having his mouth trailing around my body.

"You sure?"

I grinned widely "Just shut up and kiss me!"

**AN: I think that after a house of candle we might needed some kind of walls after two/three seasons. Chapter 3 will follow as soon as possible =D**

**Thank you for reading and let me know what you think!**


	3. Our Cracking Bones Make Noises

**Disclaimer: Grey's not mine or I wouldn't post here. **

**The title is a line from Breakable by Ingrid Michaelson that I think had been used somewhere in the show too, just google it.**

**The quote is kind of random, I know. I just liked it.**

**This is from Derek's point of view. I'm switching perspectives yet, but I think it will change soon.**

**Well, enjoy and review!**

**Part 3 – Our Cracking Bones Make Noises**

_Every time I kiss you  
After a long separation  
I feel  
I am putting a hurried love letter  
In a red mailbox.__  
__Nizar Qabbani_

As I woke up the following morning, I heard her sigh on my chest, her arms still tightened to my sleepy body.

"Hey, you ok?" I whispered

"I don't know..." some tears were gathering in her eyes

"What can I do for you?" I asked helplessly

"Nothing, just hold me"

"Mer"

"We both have the day off, can we stay in bed a little while?"

"Of course"

She silenced, placing soft tears on my chest from time to time and I kept rubbing her back.

"Are you mad at me?" she hesitated

"Why would I be?"

"Not telling you before. And withholding sex, it was so unfair..."

"I'm not mad at all. I get it"

"You were frustrated"

"No. I just needed you to bring me back to reality, because I kinda felt I had superpowers or something. I'm sorry too..."

"You just coped in your own way"

"I should have known something was wrong. I should have cared"

"You're caring now that you know"

Silence fell in our conversation again, but this time I broke it first

"Mer...How long have you known?"

"About our baby?" I nodded "I took the test before rounds, but I thought about it from before"

"Why haven't you told me that?"

"I didn't wanted to get your hopes up over..."

"It would have never been nothing. You should have told me even if the test would result negative" I felt my voice becoming harsher. She pulled away a little from me

"I know. I'm sorry..."

After a few more moments of silence, she asked, coming closer again "What's wrong Derek?"

"Nothing"

"I feel it's not nothing" I already knew I am an open book to her

"We don't have anything left"

"You mean evidences?" I nodded. She stirred again. "Don't you think we'll remember anyway?" it was her turn to be harsh

"Of course"

"So what?"

"I feel left out" I whispered. She pulled away completely, rolling on the other side and then standing up.

"Do you think I didn't wanted you to know? Is it all my fault for you?" she was yelling, burning tears rolling heavily on her cheeks "You wanted to feel all the pain I felt? Throw up in closets? You wanted to see all of it?"

"If I could have helped"

"No, you couldn't" she snapped

"I didn't even told our baby I loved him or her"

"It's always about you then, fine. I'll go take a shower"

"Wait" In pleaded "I'm sorry"

She turned to me again, her eyes still full of tears.

I stared at the ceiling as long as the water kept running, looking for comfort in the still warm sheets.

Her gaze was softened and a hint of a smile materialized on her face when she walked out of the shower.

"I told our baby how much was loved already. Even if you didn't know, I told him his Daddy would have loved him so much"

"You did?" tears were pooling in my eyes

"Yeah, because I know it was true"

"Him?" I asked, after a long, silent pause while I processed her words.

"I'm pretty sure it would have been a boy, yeah. I'm sorry..."

She started sobbing, all her body shaking and the one thing I could do was stand up and hold her, supporting her breakdown.

"I'm sorry Derek" she said again

"It's ok, I know, stop crying, it's ok" I tried to soothe her, rubbing her back

"I thought about the moment you would find out, you know, and it was going to be so special Derek, so..." she trailed off, her voice stuck.

"I know, it's ok"

The trailer was quiet for a few moments, while I held her in my arms, her face still buried in my chest, even if there weren't more sighs.

"Der...thank you" she said clearly

"For what?"

"Talking. It feels better..."

"We're in this together" I tried hard to smile, but I just met moistly eyes.

I barely had time to process the fact that I was becoming a father that it was taken away so suddenly. It seemed so unfair, because we were ready for that. We talked about it and we were ok with the consequences. Then it had been taken away from us so quickly that we didn't even had the time to enjoy the million possibility of it, leaving us with a bitter taste in our mouths. We were so ready...

"Our baby died last month Derek" her broken voice hit me more than anything else in the world, because she was finally ready and things went crazy again. She didn't deserved it.

"I'm still here"

"I know. I love you"

"I love you too..."

**AN: Ok, this was short and not so special, I just wanted to update before leaving. I think they need talks more than anything. I don't know if I'm happy or not about this chapter, just tell me your opinions.**

**In the next chapter there will be a virtual time span, so I thought that putting a New Year between the updates was appropriate. I wish you all the best in 2011!**


	4. The Whiskey Is Water, The Water Is Wine

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, you know that already...**

**Despite the bigger amount of chapters already written, this story goes more slowly than the other, it's a bit stuck, overwhelmed by the other. I'm sorry, because it has also more readers and it results shorter. **

**The title of this chapter is from R.E.M.'s Swan Swan H. Listen and enjoy this new chapter. Your reviews make my day. **

**Derek's PoV**

**Part 4 – The Whiskey Is Water, The Water Is Wine**

_I like my body when it is with your body._

_It is so quite new a thing_

_E.E. Cummings_

Meredith convinced me to call my mother. It hadn't been easy months for us, but she still thought it was nice of me to talk to her sometimes. I haven't been calling her in weeks and I felt guilty about it. The only thing she brought up at every call was the shooting and I couldn't handle it anymore.

Meredith just came back home from work as I hung up the phone. She looked exhausted.

"Hey" I cheered

"Oh, Derek" she said a little surprised "Already here?"

"My surgery was postponed, I texted you"

"Right, sorry, I'm a mess..."

"Wanna go lie down?"

"I will grab a bite of something first. Have you eaten already?"

"No, I got caught up at the phone with Mom"

"So you called her, finally!" she smirked, but her smile was still tired and faded quickly. As soon as she sat at the table, she crossed her arms on the table and lied her head on them.

"I did" I stood up and I kissed her temple, taking away a lock of hair from her face.

"I'm glad."

"She was glad too that I called..."

"Did you tell her about the baby?" she asked me to break the news to her, but I wasn't sure she still wanted her to know.

"No, I wanted you to be there"

"You should have" she didn't sound accusatory, just a little disappointed. And tired.

"We can tell her in person. She asked me to fly over for Christmas"

"To New York?" her head tilted up slightly

"Yeah. Kathleen and Nancy would join us. Amy is tied up and Martha had just had a baby so she'd like to have a quiet Christmas at home, though she's sending the other two kids" I explained in a beat, without even breathing

"Der" her head fell back on her arms

"You're freaking out, I know. Sorry."

She barely lifted her head from the table to look at me "No, I'm just tired"

"We can think about that a little while longer, but Mer, she'll be over the moon if we'll visit"

"I'll think about it, ok?"

"Why don't we just call it a night?" I suggested, as her eyes closed

"No, I wanna eat with you"

"You were on call last night"

"Apparently" she giggled, then I sat beside her and she leaned on my shoulder

"Hungry?"

"I don't know"

"Let's go to bed then"

She looked at me hopeful, almost as I was giving her an early Christmas present. I smiled, kissing softly her lips, then I lingered over her forehead a little while, breathing her scent. I missed her. When I pulled away, her eyelids were already closed. I chuckled to myself, then I carried her upstairs in my arms. She flinched a little when I put her down, then I snuggled beside her and I put my arms around her. She unconsciously leaned to me, cradling in my hug. My hands fell automatically over her stomach and my heart just ached. It would have been a bump at this point. Little and unnoticeable under her clothes, but already there. And I would have seen it every night and kissed them before falling asleep.

She growled and turned to me, tying her arms to my chest, I could feel that she was awake

"What are you thinking?" she babbled, her eyes still shut. I immediately pulled away my hands, moving them to her hip

"It would be great to bring you to New York" I half lied

"Do you think we'll find tickets at this point?"

"Maybe Mom had already booked them" she giggled

"Let's go then"

"Seriously?"

"I love you" she said, before brushing her lips to mine and fall back to sleep.

When she woke up in the morning, I expected her to deny all of it, instead she asked me to call my mom again and tell her we would be coming. It scared the crap out of her, but she told me to go ahead anyway and I was glad.

We found an early morning flight for the 23rd and we had a whole week off. After we told Richard about the baby he was even happier to give us some time off to catch up with the real world outside the hospital and to be with each other.

As soon as we decided to fly to New York, Amelia called me. We were still curled up in bed when my phone rang and I immediately thought it was something important. She had never called me in weeks, not once after she visited.

"Amy?"

"Derek, did I woke you up?" her voice was small, distant

"No, don't worry. What's wrong?"

"How do you know something's wrong?" I sensed panic in her voice

"You never call over nothing. What's going on?"

The line felt silent and I heard her sigh.

"Amy?"

"It's bad Derek..."

"Amy, please, tell me what's going on"

"Promise me you won't tell Mom or anybody else in the family" she sniffed

"Why?"

"I'm pregnant"

My heart relaxed. I immediately thought she was on drugs again or something bad happened to her, my little sister is pregnant instead.

"Why shouldn't I tell anybody? When you came here you didn't told me anything, I didn't even know you were seeing someone, that's good news!"

"I'm alone Derek. We've seen each other for a month and we had already broke up when I found out. Don't tell Mom" her voice was shaky just at the thought of Mom finding out.

"Mom can help. We can help, you know...Me and Meredith. We can come over and stay a little while if you need some support. Or you can come here..."

"No, doesn't matter, I just wanted to tell somebody. You're the closest. Besides, Addison is giving me a hand"

"Good. You can come and stay here if you want, we have a nice guest room..."

"I don't want to bother you or Meredith, I just want you to come by when the baby's born"

"Of course I'll be there"

"I'm due at the end of March" her voice cracked.

"I promise I will be there. Are you sure you don't want me to come?"

"It's fine, I'm staying with Addie. You can have my apartment when you'll come"

"I'll be there"

"Thank you" she fell silent for a second "Derek"

"Yeah..."

"It's a boy" I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

"Congratulations. I'll call you soon, ok? Take care of yourself and call me if you need anything"

"Okay. Love you bro"

"I love you too little sis."

I put the phone on the nightstand and tightened my arms to Meredith, who quietly listened to half of my conversation, rubbing my chest in circles, a slightly concerned expression. I'm sure she saw my mood changing after Amy's words

"Derek, who was on the phone?"

"My little sister is pregnant Mer" I answered in disbelief, unable to put my fingers to it yet.

"Amy? That's good, right?" her eyes were sad, behind the real layer of happiness for my sister.

"She's alone and she doesn't want to tell anybody"

"You want to go there?" her voice plain, comforting

"She doesn't want to. I'll fly when she's in labor. I'll call Addison to tell her to keep an eye on her"

"You're sure?"

"She is" I admitted, feeling helpless.

"I'm sorry"

She gently kissed my lips, holding my hand. I was glad both we had the weekend off, because I didn't wanted anything but stay curled up in bed.

"It's so unfair" I blurted out, creeping the silence "She's having a baby she doesn't want and we..." I choked.

"We can have other babies and she certainly considered all her options"

I was crying. Out of the blue. Like an emotional little girl. Her hands immediately reached for me, rubbing my chest slowly, soothingly.

"Derek, it's ok, she's gonna be ok"

"We would have had close babies, with my little sister. And she's having a boy too, Meredith"

"Shhhh" she whispered in my ear, holding me gently and letting me sob, nuzzling my head on her chest and brushing my hair. I had to be strong but I couldn't stop crying.

**AN: Ok, I don't know yet if I have to consider it a crossover with Private Practice, considering that Amelia will be back at some point and a couple of chapters will be dedicated to her, but I can't see this story as a crossover, because it's mainly MerDer, so I pretend Amelia never joined Private Practice and she's still an unknown Shepherd sister that lives in LA. **

**The fourth sister has a made-up name because it's the only one with an unknown name. When we'll have the definite one I promise I'll change it, so for now on we'll refer to her as Martha. **

**Thanks for reading this chapter and stay tuned for the next update!**


	5. Take Me Home

**Disclaimer: You know what goes here already.**

**Grey's is back and what an episode, finally! Thank you Shonda! I'm on Grey's high at the moment, sorry...**

**Apart from that, this time the title is from Elevator Love Letter by Star and it's easy to guess where I found this song. Not a brilliant title by my side, I know. **

**I almost forgot, this is Meredith speaking/thinking and I some fictional time passed from the last chapter, I needed to speed up things a little.**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Part 5 – Take Me Home**

_The beginning is simple to mark._

_We were in sunlight_

_Ian McEwan_

The morning of the flight to New York was very chilly, but impossibly sunny for a December in Seattle. We were expecting to find snow and we had it as soon as we landed.

"Oh, I missed snow" Derek joked, as soon as our feet were back on the ground.

We shared a good laugh, until we spotted Nancy waiting for us and we walked to her.

"Hey little brother" she immediately greeted Derek. I didn't expected her to come pick us. I immediately stiffened, reminding how our first meeting went. As soon as she took her arms off him, Nancy came closer to hug me as well and I let her be, surprising even myself. I wanted to start with the right foot this time, not as the slutty intern.

"Meredith, I'm so glad you are both here this Christmas"

"So are we, Nancy" I smiled

"How was the weather in Seattle?" she asked. Weather was always welcomed to break the ice, even with her brother.

"A little foggier, but sunny. I've almost regretted leaving town" he answered

"Mom would have killed you if you wouldn't bring Meredith here sometime soon!"

"I had to come. How's Martha?"

"She's fine, considering that Dylan is just a month old"

"And Kate?"

"Her teenagers are driving her crazy, but she's hanging on. She's more excited than Mom to see Meredith"

"I bet she is, she has always wanted the first opinion on every girlfriend she could meet and I got married without her!" he laughed

"What's all this post-it thing about anyway?"

"Just wait and we'll tell you. We have a whole week..."

"It will be only you two and Mom at home after Christmas, we have to go back to work, we're not that lucky! Maybe some kids will stay, but I'm pretty sure Kathleen's kids will go with their friends at the Hampton"

"They are this big?" he frowned. He was away from home for too many years for his likes.

"I'm afraid so"

"Damn, I miss them a lot..."

"Don't worry, they still remember Uncle Derek!" she teased, slapping him on the back.

We drove carefully out of town. All those suburban houses reminded me a little of Boston and my tension grew as soon as we were getting closer. As I saw Nancy slowing down, I could recognize a nicely decorated porch and a lots of big cars piled outside.

It was such a nice house and coming in, it felt so warmly home. Voices and squeals, chats and laughs were coming from the family room, where everybody was already settled. A dark haired little girl ran down the stairs and stopped right at the bottom, then squealed "Uncle Derek!" before running to hug him.

"Morgan? You got so big, how old are you now?" he seemed really surprised at the sight

"Three!" she showed her chubby fingers with a proud smile

"So you're a big girl already"

"See?" she giggled "This is Aunt Meredith?" she pointed at me

"Yes"

The girl hug me before I could even realize she moved from Derek

"You wanna come upstairs and play with us?" asked me nonchalantly

"Morgan, Nana wants to meet her so badly, she'll come later" answered Derek

"Ok, bye!" then she ran away in the kitchen.

"So, that was Morgan"

"Martha's second. God, she'd grown so much..."

"Meredith!" a dark-haired, tall woman approached the doorframe, a huge smile on her face. Stunningly beautiful. One of Derek's sister for sure.

"Kathleen?" I guessed. From the expression on her face I guessed right.

"Oh my God you're here. I can't believe I get to meet you, I was thinking that my little brother would keep you locked some time more" I laughed when she came closer to surprisingly hug me. The Shepherds were keen on hugging, apparently.

"It's so nice to finally meet the big sister. Thanks for keeping him in line" I tried to warm up the mood, she seemed nice enough to do so.

It was her turn to laugh, then she took our bags and jackets and led us to the room where the rest of the family was enjoying their afternoon. The two couches were already full, so chairs and armchairs were brought to make an imperfect circle around the coffee table. Just like I've always pictured a normal Christmas. There were two toddlers in a corner of the room, while all the other kids were missing, playing somewhere upstairs probably.

"Look who finally knocked" Carolyn's smile was to die for.

"Mom" Derek looked at her almost tear-eyed, and bear-hugged her. "I missed you so much Mom" he kissed her cheek.

"Meredith" she turned to me after setting free her son, then hugged me as expected. Warm, familiar, like I already belonged. That hug felt good.

"It's so nice to see you again Mrs. Shepherd"

"I thought I had to fly to Seattle to see you once more"

"That's why I convinced Derek to come over" we giggled.

"So, take a seat, how was your flight?"

We sat together with the rest of the family and slowly I caught every familiar bond, meeting husbands and kids - who came and went quickly back to their games - even the teenagers weren't so bad as I expected.

Later in the conversation came the tricky questions: "How long have you been married then, Meredith?" asked Katherine. She was so eager to know everything about us, asking dozens of questions. Derek needed to talk to her a little more often than once in a blue moon...

"Almost a year. I can't believe it myself..." I squeezed his hand gently resting on my thigh.

"And you got married on a post-it?" she seemed a little disappointed by the fact that we didn't hosted a huge, church-y wedding.

"Exactly. It's quite a long and sad story who led us to a post-it, but we've made it official not so long ago"

"We have just signed the vows on it" added Derek "It was an hectic period and we actually gifted our wedding to one of Meredith's best friends"

"Let me tell the whole story then, Derek, or they will think we like to give away weddings!" I playfully hit his forearm. He grinned and gave me time to explain them about Izzie, George and even back to his dark place and the proposal, but I carefully avoided the part when he hit my ring in the woods with a baseball bat before the engagement. He squeezed my hand in relief, it was his mother's ring after all.

"I know you have a busy life, residency is not a Sunday walk in the park, but have you been thinking about kids?" I froze the smile and Derek tightened his hold, inching closer. It would came up sometime and Kathleen was such a nice person not to answer this question. I just didn't know how.

"We're planning things, don't worry sis. We're building a house at the moment" quickly avoided Derek. Denial.

"I had a miscarriage after Derek had been shot" I blurted out, looking at Derek. He let go of my hand, glaring into my eyes. I felt tears welling up. The room became suddenly silent, every stare locked on us.

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry" Carolyn's hand brushed motherly my forearm, trying to comfort a well hidden grief, easing a little the situation. I stood up and went out of the room, excusing myself. I couldn't keep up with the staring anymore.

I ended up in the kitchen, gazing outside the window the recent snowfall. Rushed steps entered in. Derek.

"What's wrong with you?" he yelled "Why you had to tell all of them?"

He was so angry that his reaction scared me.

"They're your family, they have to know"

"You could have asked!" he was upset

"My family knows, Derek!" I rose my voice too

"Are you kidding me!"

"I don't wanna live into denial. That was before. It happened, let's face it and move on, for God's sakes!"

"Whatever, Meredith!" he yelled again, then he walked out.

Hot tears were streaming down my cheeks then, the whole landscape outside blurred, an undistinguished mix of whites and greens. I gripped the sink to avoid sobbing too loudly, even if everybody had heard the screaming match, no doubt about it. I felt something pulling my pants and I looked down to find a serious Morgan.

"Why are you crying Aunt Meredith?" she asked, concerned.

"I yelled to Uncle Derek and I'm sorry"

"Oh. You should tell him. Mommy says that if you say sorry everything is better."

"Your Mommy is right" I said, wiping away my tears, trying to hide my gesture

"A kiss makes all better, right?" she smiled innocently

"Yeah, it does" I said, lifting her up under her armpits and she leaned in to happily kiss my cheek before I put her down and she ran away. I spotted Kathleen at the door and I tried to smile to her.

"Morgan likes you" she said, smiling back.

"Apparently she does" I leaned to the counter, sadness still stuck on my face

"You ok, Meredith? My brother can be such an ass..."

"He's right, we should have talked about it. We're not great communicators, believe me"

"You did the right thing, we appreciated. Is there something I can do?"

"You have any idea where's your brother now? I'd like to apologize..."

"Probably he's hiding in the basement, just like when he was five and Mark stole his toys. He'll come around."

"Yeah" I wasn't so sure about it, maybe I had to drag him back upstairs

"Meredith, I'm so sorry I've asked..."

"It's fine. I'd like you all to know that I'm not the same person I was before. Especially Nancy"

"Oh, she likes you, believe me. She has a strange way to show that, but she does. I've seen how you two look in the eyes, is not something you find everyday, I'm glad that despite everything you're still together"

"We have so many big things we don't talk about, this is just the tip of the iceberg. But we're trying. Yelling. It's progress."

"Shrink opinion or sister opinion?" she smirked

"Sister. The shrink is already proud"

She giggled, then answered "You have a lifetime to talk, but it better be soon"

"I know. I'm trying, you know...It looks like I'm never enough"

"He can be so brainless sometimes. Go fix this, I'll show you the way"

I followed Kathleen down the stairs, then I stood at the doorframe with her. He was showing us his back only, but I could hear him sighing deeply. It broke my heart seeing him in such pain, so I walked closer and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, kissing the top of his head. He leaned into my touch, as I've done countless times with him.

"I'm sorry" I tried to say firmly but softly

"I'm sorry too" he stammered, tightly squeezing my hand over his chest

"You're right, I should have told you"

"You did the right thing. I'm sorry I yelled"

"It's our loss, Derek, it's ok" I rested my chin on the crown of his head, before he caressed my cheek and made eye contact gently shifting my face at his level. In his eyes a carousel of emotions was riding.

"I'm so sorry"

I lightly brushed my lips to his, but he was the one who deepened our kiss.

"Wanna go back upstairs?" I asked.

"Wait a little more. It's been years that I hid here and everything's the same"

"Kathleen told me I could find you here"

"Yeah, I used to hide here as a kid. I spent whole afternoons on this boxes after Dad died. It's almost as peaceful as the trailer, right?"

"Yeah"

We enjoyed the quiet basement a little more, before coming back to the Christmas mood upstairs, smiling again and holding hands.

**AN: Meredith and Derek in my dreams already signed official papers, even if the post-it still hangs on, they just decided that it would be easier as long as they are building a house and they want to start a family, that's all.**

**Meredith had been accepted by the Shepherds, apparently. She had to tell them about the miscarriage, because it's her own way of healing. When she's able to tell things, she heals. It's proof that she trusts the Shepherds telling them this dark moment of life.**

**If my story started right after the shooting, they wouldn't need holidays to meet, because the whole family would have hopped on a plane and flew across the country to see Derek, but I didn't felt like writing such angst-y scenes.**

**I hope you liked it and thanks for reading my notes, they're boring, I know...**


	6. What's The Price Of Heroes?

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

**Another line from Swan Swan H by R.E.M. for this chapter, I know, I suck in titles already, my other fiction has better titles, I'm sorry!**

**It's out of season mentioning Christmas, I know, pretend I posted it a couple of weeks ago, all right? =D**

**Well, here's from Derek's PoV, enjoy and review, they make my day!**

**Part 6 – What's The Price Of Heroes?**

"_Hope" is the thing with feathers –_

_That perches in the soul – _

_And sings the tune without words – _

_And never stops – at all –_

_Emily Dickinson_

As I woke up the next morning, Meredith's gaze was on me.

"Were you watching me sleep?" I asked in a fuzzy voice

"Maybe"

She kissed me and any trace of sleep went away.

"Good morning" I smiled

"It's Christmas Eve" she grinned back

"You seem pretty excited" I scanned her joyful eyes, taking in all her morning happiness. She was breathtaking.

"I am. I like this Christmas. It's my first real Christmas in I don't know how many years...Maybe since my father left"

"You're happy to be here"

"I am. Really. Your family is..."

"Big and overwhelming?" I teased

"No. It's...special. I love to be part of something like that. I hope we can do that when we're not here as well" she lowered her voice

"We'll try. Meredith Grey does family now" I chuckled

She giggled happily than ever and I melted in the joy of her laugh, while she kissed my neck and down to my chest, running her hands on my tights. My body immediately reacted to her touch, waking up.

"Ready for breakfast?" she said then, making the move to wake up, teasingly.

"Oh c'mon! You throw the stone and you take away the hand?"

"Maybe not. If we keep it quiet..." she giggled again, then took off my t-shirt.

When we dressed again, we could hear some voices downstairs making breakfast. We hurried to the kitchen, to not make them suspicious. I couldn't stop touching her perfect skin, so I just held my hand at the bottom of her back, guiding her to the table.

"Morning everybody" I greeted with a wide smile. They were suspicious already.

Mom looked at me and smirked, while she turned the eggs. Next to her, Kathleen was preparing pancakes with her oldest daughter Alyssa. Nancy was setting the table and I could hear the husbands outside playing with all the boys. I'm pretty sure I could have found all my nieces in the living room playing with dolls or some other girly stuff.

"Wow" whispered Meredith astonished

"It's stunning how much the Shepherds could eat, uh?" asked Mom, still smirking

"No, it's just...I've never had a Christmas breakfast before. I barely have normal breakfasts,"

"Cold pizza and leftover grilled cheese, right" I teased taking in her amused face

"I'm not very fond of cooking. Luckily Izzie, my roommate, was or we would have all starved. And Derek makes perfect breakfasts" she lightly kissed me.

"He cooks?" my mother was stunned

"Yeah. I'd burn the house down" she giggled

"I don't believe you. Come here and send that big boy next to you playing with boys, you have some lessons to take"

"Oh, I can't miss that" I teased, stroking Meredith's back.

"Fine, you can stay, but be quiet. And don't you dare laughing!" Meredith added

"She's bossy" pointed out Alyssa

"Kinda am, yeah"

"I like you Aunt Meredith" all of them laughed.

Meredith walked closer to my mother and she started to tell her what to do and simple tasks she could learn, while I went helping Nancy setting the table. It was hilarious.

"Derek, I'm sorry" Nancy whispered to me, while we were in the dining room, out of everybody's radar "I have judged her wrong the first time we met"

"I get it, you thought she was the one who pushed me to divorce Addison"

"Yeah, instead you were just being a brainless ass, as always" she smirked

"Why everybody keeps saying I'm a brainless ass? It's been years we don't see each other and the best you all came up is brainless ass?" we laughed together

"Breakfast's ready!" we heard from the kitchen, then in a second all the seats were taken by the boys, followed suit by their fathers. The girls instead came in the room quietly, avoiding fighting for places. It reminded too much my childhood, when I tried to unsuccessfully outrun Mark at every Christmas breakfast. I sat next to Mom, leaving the place beside mine for Meredith. She plopped in the chair with an inexplicable grin on her face, then she proudly announced "I made bacon"

"No, you didn't..." She nodded, then took a pancake. I was weirdly proud of her.

"Mom, are you coming to see Martha or you'll stay here with the kids?" asked Kathleen, grabbing some bread

"I think I'll skip this time, she lives just a few minutes away, she won't mind. You need somebody to stay with the kids"

"I was supposed to stay with them" said Nancy

"I'll stay. Derek, honey, are you two going downtown?" she looked at me, clearly uncomfortable after yesterday outburst

"Actually, we didn't make any plans. Mer, what do you want to do?"

"We can go later, after we've been visiting Martha and the baby" I answered clearly, like it was the most natural thing to do. It clearly wasn't.

"Are you sure?"

She looked too fine with it that it was almost scary. Maybe she was really trying to move on as she said.

"Of course, you haven't seen each other in years"

I squeezed her hand and maybe I started doubting myself more than her.

We cleaned up breakfast then we went to Martha's. When we arrived, John, her husband, greeted all of us, paying a little more attention to his new sister-in-law.

Kathleen and Nancy left quickly, pretending to go grocery shop for tomorrow's lunch and it was just me, John and Meredith. We moved to the living room, where Martha was holding Dylan. I felt Meredith's hold tighten on my hand.

"You're ok?" I whispered

"Go ahead"

Martha immediately gazed away from the baby in her arms to look at us and smiled widely.

"Oh God, my big brother! How long has it been?"

"Two years. When I left Morgan was barely this big and now she's a pretty little lady...I've missed you so much Martha" I smiled genuinely

"We have missed you too. Come here, you have a new nephew to meet" I hesitated, then Meredith pushed me and I sat next to her on the couch. Dylan immediately passed in my arms and I felt tears prickling in my eyes.

"Meredith, let's go make tea, we have a lot to tell each other"

Martha stood up and lead Meredith in the kitchen. Dylan in my arms fussed, so I tried to calm him down talking. It worked with his sister a little while ago.

"Hey Dylan, it's Uncle Derek. You're such a beautiful boy, you know?" I rocked him in my arms and he fell asleep a few minutes later. I could hear Martha and Meredith happily chatting, then John joined me.

"He's so mellow" whispered "Paul was much more noisy, so was Morgan. This little guy here instead can be held by anybody and doesn't flinch. It's great to finally have a quiet baby"

I would have given anything to have a fussing, noisy baby.

"He's a beautiful boy"

"I blame the Shepherds for this. None of the kids in your family is ugly!"

I managed to smile, then I gave back Dylan to him.

"You're a lucky man" I sighed. He frowned a second, cradling Dylan closer to his chest.

"What happened Derek, you look sad. Is everything all right between you and Meredith? Besides, I love her, she's great"

"Yeah, she is. Just a rough couple of months, that's all..." _Years, rough years, then that damn shooting..._

"You got shot, bro!"

"Right, I got shot" I said plain, my mind drifting away too quickly.

"Have you tried therapy? They say it helps"

"Yeah, it's hard to move on"

"Was the surgery difficult?"

"Apparently not, everything went well. But..." I couldn't find the right words, so I stammered, fighting tears. "Meredith...well, she...we lost our baby that day. She had a miscarriage after the shooting"

"Bro, I'm so sorry. With Dylan here..I'm sorry"

"It's fine, I wanted to see this little guy. It's just hard to be around him, that's all. It will get better"

Meredith came in the room with a relaxed face. I could see tears in her eyes as well, but she looked less beaten up than me. The loss was hitting me hard at the moment, just as it hit her before.

"So, girls talk is finished?" asked John, trying to lighten up the mood and shift the conversation somewhere more pleasant for all of us

"Yeah, we're done. You have a pretty pleasant wife " Meredith smiled to John after her confident answer, then sat next to me and put her hand on my tight. _Comfort, she was so good at that lately. So motherly good_.

"Glad I married her every single day" teased John, then Martha kissed him, sitting back on the couch.

"Do you mind if I hold Dylan?" she asked, out of the blue, stretching a little to look at the baby in his father's arms. "Never mind, he's sleeping"

"No, go ahead, he doesn't mind being held in sleep" added Martha, a knowing smile curving up her lips.

They have talked and somehow Meredith looked peaceful. Martha has always been my personal shrink before she actually took the job, so I knew why this talk did wonders to her. She had grieved. I hadn't, so, as Dylan landed in her arms, tears were welling back. She was tear-eyed too, but she was smiling. She touched gently his cheek, then kissed Dylan's forehead. She seemed born to do so. _Perfect_. My heart ached in my chest. She gave Dylan back to Martha too soon, then wrapped her arm around my waist, before we kept on chatting about nonsense.

Kathleen and Nancy came back later and we all went back home. We spent the rest of the day at home, playing with the whole crew of boys and girls in the house and Meredith looked even more at ease braiding hair and playing princesses. My nephews engaged me in a snow fight and I had to go to bed in sweats to avoid a bad cold. Meredith joined me under the covers freshly showered, a piercing lavender fragrance impossible to hide.

"You smell good" I blurted

"It's the cookies, right? Morgan and Tess were eating them while I braided their hair in the kitchen. Your mother makes lovely cookies, Izzie would die to have that recipe" a hint of sadness smoothed the smile, Izzie was nowhere to be found, again.

"You could ask her, then mail it to Izzie. Mom won't mind and she'll give you the moon if she could. I'm her favorite" I grinned, matching her face.

"Pretty rough fight outside in the meantime, uh?"

"Paul and Michael kicked my ass, I have to admit it"

"Poor Frank was hit in the face"

"Yeah, it was Albert. You learned all their names today..."

"I'd love to have Lexipedia with me in those moments" she giggled and I kissed her. She deepened our kiss, rolling on top.

"Can I ask you something?" she said, trailing numbing kisses down my neck

"Is it bad?"

"I don't know. Remember when we talked about babies?"

"Yeah" I know my face darkened because she rolled back on her side and looked deeply into my eyes, stopping the kissing and just stroking my chest lightly.

"I think we should really try. I mean, not keep things on faith, but try try. I feel ready"

"I know". My tone was blank, inappropriate for such that commitment.

"It's big, I'm sorry, just forget about it..." she ruffled my hair, trying to set back the mood and make me smile again.

"Mer, if you asked yesterday I would have said yes, but today, after Dylan...I know you're ready, but I don't know if I am either"

"I'm sorry. Bad timing." she trailed her fingers on my cheek, comforting.

"A baby would be wonderful, but today, looking at Dylan, I could only think 'what if' and I don't know if I'm ready. It took me a while to realize it and I'm sorry..." I tried to explain, trailing off

"You gave me time to grieve, I'm giving you all the time you need. We have a lifetime for it, it's ok"

"I really want that with you, believe me, I'm just scared this baby would be just a shadow of the one we lost, a replacement..."

"No, you don't think that. I can see it in your eyes. Both your shrink sisters said that we're doing great and I believe them." she kissed me briefly "We can go back to condoms if you need time"

"No, no more condoms"

"Ok"

We paused and she kissed me tenderly again, snuggling closer into my heat.

"You were so great with the girls today" I pushed a lock of her hair off her face

"Yeah, it was fun"

We kissed again, silently. Her warm body was even closer, our heat like a cocoon. I could do anything with her next to me. Maybe she was right and we were ready. Maybe I was just scared of what would it be, to actually try to have kids. Raise them. Be a parent. We switched sides with Meredith. She took things on faith when I asked her, so I just had to do the same.

"What?" she asked with a grin, knowing that my brain cells were working on something with just a glance

"Do you think I've gone mental if I tell you let's make a baby?"

"No, I don't think so." she laughed

She took off my sweater and my t-shirt giggling, trailing kisses on my bare chest and coming on top of me again.

"You were great with the boys too. Paul hitting you in the face was priceless!"

**AN: The best part of the story is coming, just stick with me, ok?**

**I'll be busier soon because my Christmas break is over and I hope I'll be able to post decently often. **

**As regards "Soft Shock" I'm taking a brief (very brief) pause to write some more chapters before posting again, I need to close up some circles. **


	7. We Fell Through The Ice

**Disclaimer: same old story, folks**

**I kinda had a crappy day today, so I thought, what could make me feel better than posting a new chapter? So here we are. **

**The Freshmen by The Verve Pipe is a great song, believe me. Painfully realistic and soft all at the same time. Worth a listen. **

**This is from Derek's PoV and there's another time span, but it's all explained. The title in the scroll menu is shortened and doesn't make much sense, I already know that, I'm sorry, but I'm picking titles way too long. Cutting the initial rambling, enjoy the chapter and make me even happier reviewing!**

**Part 7 – We Fell Through The Ice When We Tried Not To Slip**

_What are days for?_

_Days are where we live._

_They come, they wake us_

_Time and time over._

_They're to be happy in:_

_Where can we live but days?_

_Philipp Larkin_

March rolled over February in a blink of the eye. Seattle's chill was slowly warming up and we were able to leave home when the sun was already up. The holidays rush at the hospital was over and everything seemed muffled, waiting to blossom just like spring.

I was beginning my rounds when my phone rang in my pocket.

"Addison?"

"Hey Derek" her tone was urgent, hurried, like she was off to surgery or something. Then I placed all the pieces together.

"Oh God, Amy"

"She's fine. She's in labor. She asked me to call you after a while and tell you she's gonna be fine but I ignored her" she giggled

"I'm coming over immediately"

"Tell them I asked you for a consult and bring Meredith as a façade resident"

"Damn, this is good. Maybe Richard will give me an helicopter as well" I heard her chuckle

"If you tell him the whole story, maybe"

"Thank you for taking care of her, I owe you one"

"We're more than even, Derek, believe me"

"See you there"

"Bye Derek!"

I immediately paged Meredith to the nurses' station. She looked at me concerned as I practically run there.

"What's going on?"

"It's Amelia, she's having the baby" I said almost breathless. A small smile appeared on her lips

"You're flying there today?"

"I wanna ask Richard for an helicopter. If it doesn't work Addison told me to pretend it's a consult for her. You're coming over, right?"

"Of course. I'm going home to pack a few things then we can go, ok?"

"Thank you." I kissed her softly and she began to walk away, muttering an almost inaudible "Helicopter" to herself, chuckling.

Before she was too far I remembered to ask her "Do you know where Richard is?"

"He has surgery at 9, I had to scrub in with him"

"I'm calling him" I needed to leave immediately

"Derek, calm down, everything's all right, she's not going anywhere"

"I have to be with her"

"You'll be with her. Just wait for the Chief. And breathe" she leaned in and kissed me softly, before walking away for real to go home.

I found the Chief half an hour later, walking in the building, after I searched the whole hospital, hoping for his early arrival.

"Richard!" I called through the lobby

He walked closer with a smile. "'Morning Shepherd"

"I need to go to LA" I blurted

"Why? True story, I know you have something already planned" he smirked. He knows me too well to not notice.

"Amy, my little sister, is having her first child" I hurried

"I can give you a couple of days off starting tomorrow"

"She's alone. No father. None in my family knows or they will be already booking flights and hovering. Please, she's my little sister"

"Shepherd"

"You want the plan? Addison needs a Neuro consult on a case" I throw my ace

"Fine. Go. That's what I'll write in the report for the helicopter" he shook his head with a smile

"How do you know I was about to ask you that?" I smirked

"It was obvious"

"I need a resident for help. Grey is my pick" I tried to convince him

"Oh c'mon, afraid to fly alone?" he teased

"She's family"

He glanced at me, then gave up "Fine, pick Grey and the helicopter and get the hell out of here for the next three days. Just because you two had gained so many hours in the OR and you had an awful past year."

"I owe you one. Thank you so much!"

Meredith came back right behind the Chief, who glared at me for letting her out of the hospital during her shift. We were still in scrubs when we hopped on the helicopter and we flew away. I called Addison to know exactly how and where Amelia was when we were almost in Los Angeles, but she didn't answered. At my third call was Naomi who picked up the call for her.

"Addison?" I held my breath, the fact that she wasn't picking up wasn't exactly reassuring.

"No, Derek, it's Naomi"

"Is everything alright? How's Amy?" my heart began to sink slowly

"Yeah, everything's fine. The baby is born a few minutes ago, everything looks good. An eight pounds little boy" A Shepherd boy. Finally a little boy. _A boy_.

"Thank God. I'm coming there, I'm landing right now" I avoided thinking further about the baby boy.

"Are you on a helicopter?" she asked, before I could hung up

"Yeah" the corner of my lips curled automatically

"You're crazy, Amelia was right. Room 3581" he added

"We'll be right there" I smiled, hanging up.

"Is everything ok?" asked Meredith, clearly sensing my concerned voice as Naomi answered.

"The baby is born. Eight pounds little boy"

She smiled with me, squeezing softly my hand, her mind aligned with mine on the same thoughts, then we unbuckled to step outside. I tried to decipher the mazy hospital, when we finally found Addison in an aisle.

"Helicopter?" she immediately said with a grin. I simply nodded

"How's Amy?" I asked immediately

"She did great. Naomi told me you called..."

"Yeah, I'm gonna see her"

"Derek, breathe." I felt Meredith's calming hand on my shoulder. She tried to reassure me, locking her eyes to mine, squeezing gently my shoulder, then we followed Addison to the nursery to bring the baby to Amelia and gave her some more time to rest.

I immediately recognized him: just like every other Shepherd baby my sisters had. A beautiful sleepy boy with dark hair and a blue bodysuit. Peaceful newborn attitude as well.

"Look at that little man" I lightly touched his cheek, but he didn't flinched. "Let's go find Mommy" I added, turning to Addison to see if I could pick him up and go to Amelia's room. It was painful and amazing all at the same time, this brand new life. She nodded, smiling, so I wrapped him in his blanket and I scooped him in my arms. Holding a newborn was overwhelming, especially considering the fact that my newborn would have been almost ready to join us. Meredith was smiling widely and stroked the baby's fist while I held him, but I noticed her glassy eyes. A stranger wouldn't have, but it was so obvious for me that my heart ached for a moment seeing her -_our_- pain. We silently walked to Amelia's room and, as I opened the door, my little sister had tears in her eyes and a wide smile on her face.

"Oh my God you're here!" she gasped, surprised

"I promised" I walked closer and I placed the baby in her arms, after kissing his forehead. "He's beautiful Amy"

"Yeah" she whispered, immediately scanning the little bundle in her arms and admire his perfection.

I sat next to her and I saw Meredith walking out, giving us some space.

"Thank you Derek, for everything. Mom called me for Christmas and told me about you and Meredith. I'm so sorry for your loss..." she said dearly, looking up at me

"Amy, let's focus on the boy in your arms, not ours" I cut her off

"They would have been pretty close kids"

"Yeah" I sighed, gazing out of the window to hold the tears that were already pooling in my eyes.

"Are you ok of being here?" she asked, a slight, almost unnoticeable concern in her tone

"Of course we are. We're ok. We've seen Dylan on Christmas and it was like taking off the training wheels. We're trying again, but that's a secret" I winked, lighting up the mood a little. Amy has always been a good secret-keeper.

"Good, I'm happy for you guys."

"I'm happy for you, sis. He's gonna be a great guy" I glanced at him again

"I'll do my best to raise him that way"

"Have you chosen a name yet?"

"Robert"

"After Dad?" our eyes met and I read many feelings in hers

"I had a feeling about him after I found out I was pregnant. I hope he deserves that..." she looked down again

"Of course you can name him after Dad. Nobody dared, but it's such a perfect name for him."

"It's Robert Derek actually" she whispered, unsure. My heart swelled with pride "I want you to be the godfather and if it wasn't for you, there wouldn't even be a baby right now"

"What do you mean?"

"You, living after getting shot, gave me hope. Seeing the love you share with Meredith gave me hope, because you were a broken man and she picked up your pieces. You gave me hope"

"Amy you really want to see me crying, right?" I teased, tears blurring the sight of her wide smile. _She wanted to name her baby after me!_

"Maybe. You've always been the tough big brother" she giggled

"I'm honored to be his godfather Amy, seriously. It's...you're giving me hope too" I admitted. We would have had our boy someday

"I just wish you won't mind if Addie is the godmother" she smirked

"Not at all. She earned it, believe me"

"I think I'll keep living with her and give away my apartment. It's nice to have someone around, you know..." she trailed off

"Robert would be a great company soon"

"Too soon." she sighed, looking at the baby in her arms again "I'm afraid Derek"

"I know. But everything will turn out right, just like Mom always said" I smiled. Mom was such an optimist, sometimes.

"I think you should call her. Or maybe I should. It's her grandson"

"She won't kill you if you call her" she' can't kill anybody, not even a fly

"Can you call her for me? Made up a great story" her eyes silently pleading me

"I'll simply tell her the truth"

Robert whimpered in her arms, breaking the sudden silence between us and she immediately pulled him closer to her chest, trying to soothe him. "Just go, if you don't want to see your little sister's boobs!"

I laughed, kissed her forehead then I went out. I told Meredith I was going to call my mother and she just nodded, walking in the room before I could close the door.

The phone rang twice, before she picked up the receiver

"Mom?"

"Hey Derek, you're not working?" her warm, reassuring voice arrived in my ear

"Nope, I'm in LA at the moment, with Amy"

"Is she alright?" she was immediately worried

"Yeah Mom, she's fine. She just wants you to come over because it's been a while that you two don't see each other and she misses you" I started off lightly

"Amelia Mary would never admit she misses her mother. What happened?" she's too good at sensing lies

"She's fine" _Where to begin?_

"Ugly truth Derek. Was she in a car accident? Is she back in a dark place?"

"Nope, Mom. She..." I hesitated, trying to make truth sound as normal as possible, considering the circumstances. Vain try.

"Split it out, grown boy"

"She had a baby boy today. Robert Derek. 8 pounds. Happy and healthy. I'm the godfather" I didn't even breathed between each sentence, rambling and closing my eyes at the same time, fearing a smack on my head even if she was on the other side of the country.

"She what?" _she would have totally smacked me_

"She gave birth to your grandson today" I sighed heavily, my eyes still closed

"Amy was pregnant!" her pitch as high as her surprise. _I am a dead man_.

"Mom, nobody knew. She didn't tell anybody but me and I told Meredith only. She asked me not to. She's living with Addison at the moment. They're gonna be fine"

"Is she seeing someone?" _worst question ever_

"No. And she expects you to be mad over this"

"Your sister is crazy. I'm coming over right now!"

She hung up and I sighed in relief. Finally the secret was out and Amy was lucky I had three whole days off to protect her from Mom's outburst. And a mad Carolyn Shepherd was definitely something nobody shouldn't witness.

**AN: All right, we have Robert here! Don't think I named him after Pattinson. My dad's name is Roberto, which is the Italian form for Robert and I just liked the sound when I was trying out names. It's lame, I know, I kinda suck in naming. **

**So, a Shepherd boy and an angry Mom, what's gonna happen?**

**Thanks for sticking like caramel to my stories, I really appreciate your feedback. I hope to be able to update soon, but I told you the period is getting everyday more hectic. Stay tuned!**


	8. It's Wonderful, Good Luck My Baby

**After 8 chapters, I'll stop with the disclaimer. Whatever.**

**This title is from an Italian song by Paolo Conte, Via Con Me. It's a very beautiful, poetic lyrics, but there's just this line in English. It thinks it's worth searching it anyway. [Still wondering, there's anybody out there who actually finds some of those songs? =D]**

**Here's from Meredith's PoV, enjoy and review! And sorry for the bad layout...  
**

**Part 8 – It's Wonderful, Good Luck My Baby**

_There's a tide in the affairs of men_

_Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;_

_Omitted, all the voyage of their life  
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.  
On such a full sea are we now afloat,  
And we must take the current when it serves,  
Or lose our ventures._

_William Shakespeare_

Derek went out to call his mother and I went in the room to keep company to Amelia. She was feeding the baby when I stepped in, so I quickly closed the door to give her some privacy.

"Come on in, it's fine" she called. I re-opened the door and sat at her bedside, smiling politely, still a bit uncomfortable in this situation. _We flew from Seattle I had to be alone with her for a while, right?_

"Congratulations" I was only able to utter, mesmerized by the baby.

"I just named your husband godfather, do you mind?" she smiled widelt

"No, even if addressing him as my husband is still weird" she giggled with me.

"Look, when it's too uncomfortable you can go, I won't mind. Mom called for Christmas and she told me what happened to you and Derek. I'm so sorry..."

"We're working on that, don't worry, I wanted to be here"

It didn't felt much weirder than expected, just the pressing need to have my baby pinching my heart

"That's exactly what Derek said"

"How is he?" I asked cautiously. Last time with Dylan was hard on him

"Over the moon. What about you?"

"I just keep worrying about him, it's kind of annoying" I chuckled

"No, you just care. It's sweet" I smiled, catching a hint of sadness in her voice. I knew that feeling she had. I lived with it almost my entire life.

"Can I hold him?" I tried to move away the conversation

"Here you go. So, Robert Derek, this is your Aunt Meredith" she said, giving me the baby as I stood up and picked him.

"Now I know why he was over the moon" I laughed, gently patting him on the back, a little ache in my chest just at the thought of my own baby who could have been growing happy and healthy into me.

"Derek told me you're following his footsteps" not knowing each other too well, surgery was a safe topic

"Oh, I loved Neuro way before I loved him. He's just jealous" I smirked. He was proud instead, I could tell watching his eyes twinkle every time we are in the OR together.

"And your mother was Ellis Grey" she sighed. It was hard not to notice at some point

"Upsides and downsides of it?" everybody always wanted it, but I actually had only a few things to say, often not pleasants

"Not just upsides?" she smiled

"Not at all, believe me. My dad left when I was 5 and she raised me alone. Actually, nannies raised me, but that's a whole different story"

"I'm sorry, that bad?" her face concerned, worry lines wrinkling her forehead

"She just didn't care" I sighed" "I beg you to care about this little man. You're a wise woman and you made a decision keeping him. You have to make this decision every morning, when you wake up, to gave Robert the best life out of a mess, no offense intended" Robert story was going to be completely different than mine even without my advices, I knew how Derek had been raised, but I just wanted to remember Amelia.

"None taken. It's a real mess"

"We have an awful job, I know, but try to be there for holidays, school plays, birthdays, stuff like that. Go home and hug him, leaving work stuff for the time when he's asleep and play with him instead. Just be there"

"Your mother never did that" it was a statement for her, more than just a question. Robert was peaceful in my arms as I looked down and he was closing his eyes.

"No she didn't" I answered quietly. _It was water under the thing, or whatever..._

Silence fell quietly between us, then, as the baby was fully asleep, I gave him back to Amelia, kissing the top of his head first.

"Our offer for a place in Seattle is still valid, if you need anything. I'm sure Derek wouldn't mind a little bit of competition in his department and I'll be soon spoiled with cool surgeries" she laughed with me, both careful not to wake Robert

"I think I'll move in with Addison, not to be completely alone. And Sam lives just next door. We'll be fine, but I promise I'll come visiting"

"We are just a phone call away, you know that..." I offered. _"Meredith Grey does family" _ringed immediately in my head

"Thank you Meredith. I know it must be hard anyway"

"It's healing, actually. It feels like family for the first time in my life since I met you and your sisters and it's great" admitting it wasn't easy, but it was true

"You've always been family as soon as I knew you made my brother happy again"

"We need each other to be happy"

"It's a great love, don't let anything ruin that"

"I'm promising you just as you promised before"

Quiet enhanced the importance of our statements, until Derek sneaked back in the room.

"Mom would have loved to be able to teleport" he grinned, trying to take off the uneasiness from his face

"That bad?" I asked concerned, Amelia frowned

"She just said: 'your sister is crazy. I'm coming over right now'"

"Oh" was only able to mumble Amelia

"Amy, babies for women are just like boobs for men: show them and you'll keep them busy" he stated, smirking

"That was bad and inappropriate, Derek" I wasn't able to keep a straight face, though.

"Meredith is right. You've never been that guy, for example" she was struggling a little not to smile as well

"Never mind. She's coming over. I think she'll be here tomorrow morning at last. Maybe around lunch"

"Good" Amelia was everything but good

"Amy, it's gonna be ok" he reassured, coming closer to her

"You think?"

"Mom has a thing for you, you're still her little girl"

She smiled, then kissed Robert's forehead. He peacefully slept through our conversation, so I decided to bring him back to the nursery, giving some time to Derek to catch up with his sister alone.

Robert was a really beautiful newborn. I stared at all those babies behind the glass, focusing on the little dude that felt like family already. _Would have been this bittersweet if our boy was still resting comfortably into me?_

Wondering wasn't good, but it crept suddenly in my thoughts, giving me an hard time breathing. I closed my eyes for a second, picturing what could have been like being still pregnant. I was digging my own grave. Slowly. Silently. A tear slipped out from the corner of my eyes as I opened them again. I realized my hand moved instinctually toward my empty belly, skimming the soft fabric of my cotton v-neck. We could have been almost ready, my due date would have been close. I glanced back at Robert, hoping to have a boy like him soon. Our boy. Or our girl, it really didn't mattered.

Images of the green yard of our new home flashed in my head, filled with laughs and giggles, bare feet running on the fresh grass wildly, then Derek, sitting on an armchair or a hammock, a relaxed, joyful grin stretched on his beautiful features. He looked happy. I was daydreaming, in front of a row of new lives, _just perfect_. I shut my eyelids again, shading the light and coming back to my dream, giggles filling my mind again. My gaze lowered on my belly, finding it surprisingly full, my hands gently resting at the top of it.

I drifted back to reality when I felt a soft pressure on my shoulder. It wasn't Derek, luckily. I wanted him to be happy, not worried for even a second. I kept my gaze low, finding my hands still draped over my stomach without my permission, touching emptiness, all the fullness gone. The pressure over my shoulder became a squeeze and I had to finally open my eyes and sweep away the tears on my cheeks. I looked up and I surprisingly found Addison staring back, holding a compassionate smile.

"Robert is a beautiful little boy" I tried to spell, my voice coming out broke and furry, filled with memories of my daydream.

"Is everything all right?" she asked warmly

"Yeah, just having a moment"

"I'm heading down for a coffee, want to come with?"

"It may be good, yeah" I accepted

We walked in silence to the cafeteria. Voices in an undistinguished buzz filled the space between us. It was almost comfortable in its oddness. She was Derek's ex-wife, after all.

"Are you ok being around OB all the time? I can ask Sam to fill you in a surgery, if you want to"

"I'm taking it as a vacation, I have no intention to cut." I smiled "We'll be back in Seattle in a blink of an eye anyway"

My thoughts traveled to the vivid memories of our new home, giggles still humming in my head.

"How is it going up there?" her allusion to my breakdown was crystal clear

"It hasn't been like today for a while. It's just..."

"Hard. I know the feeling"

Her face darkened a little and I immediately realized I touched a soft spot

"Oh God, I'm sorry. That's why you and Derek never had kids..." It sounded odd the moment I spoke, immediately trying to fix my big slip. She smiled softly in response, slightly shaking her head.

"No, not at all" I sighed in relief. _I couldn't put him in that position again, he wants kids so badly_ "I just know that due dates can suck sometimes"

I remained quiet while she traveled through her own memories and back. I didn't bothered to tell her that I would have been due most likely the following month

"After Derek left, I lived with Mark for a couple of months, did you know that?"

"I think I heard something around, from Derek or from gossips I can't remember" I tried to lighten up the uneasiness. She smiled briefly.

"I got pregnant." she looked away for a moment, giving me time to put pieces together "I was in Seattle for my due date and everything seemed to swirl around and Mark was there, Derek was next to me but with you and, in a second, I realized I made the worst mistake of my life." she shut me gently with her hand before I could say anything "You know I don't blame you for the end of my marriage, it was just me and laziness, but at that certain moment of the year, the idea of being on my own two feet cuddling a baby still creeps in my mind. It fades away, with time"

"I'm so sorry. You know that I've never meant to be in the middle of a marriage, right? I just didn't know, and..." she cut me off before I could start rambling

"I am sorry. I showed up like a wicked witch, ruining something beautiful. I couldn't embrace the thought that Derek was way better off me, with you"

"You had the right to pick up your pieces. Try to, at least. I'd do the same"

"You will never need to" she admitted

"I know. He stayed anyway, even if he never knew about the baby in the first place, before it was gone. But he stuck around...It's been 8 months from the shooting..." my voice cracked. Coming back to that day still hurt.

"I think everything you two went through, me in the picture too, just made you stronger. It's cliché and all, but you two together can light up a room. I could see it even when I came to Seattle, I just couldn't realize that I've never had something like that with Derek. I was jealous of you, not the traditional way, I was jealous that you practically held his heart in your hands, something I've never done"

"I was in a bad place when he arrived, I just leaned to him and everything stopped swirling"

"Yeah, he's this kind of man. It's what four sisters did good to him" we laughed together, easing the atmosphere.

"For your valid medical opinion, just forget about all that happened, if I was your patient..." I lowered my voice, somehow afraid to ask

"It's ok, you can ask anything"

"How likely am I to miscarry again?"

She breathed heavily, before answering, collecting her thoughts for a moment.

"It depends on lots of things. Mostly on when and how it happened, then your health, which I don't think is our main concern...Broadly speaking, I have to know what happened to really judge, but..."

"It was during the shooting. After Derek got shot, I felt some cramps. I should knew better..." I fidgeted with my cup of coffee "I just..."

"You didn't do anything wrong. It was a miracle just the two of you survive all of it. You certainly have many opportunities to have other babies...I can do some tests and mail you the results if you want to be sure everything's fine, but I know you will have your moment. And I will be more than happy for you"

Her phone rang, interrupting our conversation, she stood up, smiling. She had to take that, I wasn't the one who could keep her here talking instead of saving someone's life.

"It was nice talking to you Addison, thank you."

"You're welcome. Looking forward to another chat..." she smiled, before rushing away. I swayed my empty cup of coffee, staring blankly, my mind going back to the day of the shooting. Derek's words "_If something bad happens to me, I don't want you to be alone"_ banging in my head every single moment, when his blood soaked my shaky hands. And in that moment, I prayed him not to die, even if I wasn't alone anymore. _We_ couldn't be alone. Then the cramp, like a punch to my guts, telling me that nothing ever goes as planned.

My phone ringed too, pulling me out of painful memories. Never happier to see Derek's name on the screen.

"Where are you?" his soft, happy voice calmed my mind, wrapping around hard thoughts and soothing my worries.

"I'm in the cafeteria, I was having coffee with Addison, she had just been paged"

"Bonding with the devil!" he laughed. He seemed genuinely happy.

"She's nice"

"I know" he chuckled "I'm going out to dinner with you tonight"

"Why I had never been informed?" I playfully played his game. He always knew how to make me smile, even just talking to the phone.

"You have now. I know you didn't packed dresses, I didn't expect you to"

"Who said I wouldn't?"

"You have?" I could see his eyes twinkle even if he was just on the phone

"Nope, just teasing you. Where are we going?"

"Amy suggested it, it's close to her place. She just gave me her keys, we're gonna sleep there"

"It's not too much?"

"It's what family does" he could be smirking, at the other end.

"Okay, I'll meet you in the lobby"

"Perfect, see you later"

"I love you, Derek" I needed to tell him

"I know, love you too" he hung up, leaving me with a smile on my face.

**AN: Meredith had a moment, I know she looks all whole and healed, but I think someone needs time to recover from something like that. Lots of it. I just added Addison to shuffle my cards and because I like her. I didn't liked her ad the wife, not at all, but as Addie is a pretty great character.**

**We're gonna be in LA for some more chapters and I hope it won't be annoying. I really liked writing this, though. Next one will be fun.**

**About Mama Shep, she'll arrive soon, don't worry. And as long as I'm giving away spoilers and people keep asking about the McBaby, I just tell you to be patients. **

**Well, I managed close updates, but don't get used to it! **


	9. ,Yeah Maybe To The Beach

**Another crippled title, I'm, sorry.**

**Yesterday (today for me actually) was Grey's night and they always leave us with cliff-hangers. Damn it!**

**Back to the story, we are getting to the heart of the story, just be patient a little more. Titled from Evil by Interpol, which I think it had already been used someplace else. Anyway...**

**Derek's mind this time. Enjoy and review!**

**Part 9 – Right Will Take You Places, Yeah Maybe to the Beach**

_All that is gold does not glitter,_

_Not all those who wander are lost_

_J.R.R. Tolkien_

I went out to dinner with Meredith. Nothing fancy, just the way she liked. Even if in simple, comfortable clothes, she was stunningly beautiful, a strange glow around her. Maybe it was just Los Angeles' warmth that was messing my thoughts. The whole evening she had been incredibly happy, the hint of tears I spotted when we met in the lobby quickly replaced with wide smiles and her infectious giggle.

We arrived to Amelia's place and we remained pleasantly surprised by the fact that it had a private access to the beach. It wasn't as cold as any mid-spring day in Seattle and it was only March.

"Derek, please, let's take a walk, it's so beautiful"

She lightened up as I took off my shoes and rolled up my trousers, holding out my hand to her. I couldn't say no to such eyes.

"It would be crazy to do this every night, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I like our daily routine better" I admitted

"We should come back someday. You can't miss your godchild growing" she kept up the easy tone of the whole evening. It was natural being around her. "Amy told me you are over the moon"

"Yeah" I half-smiled

"But?" she read me pretty well

"No buts" I looked away and she smiled

"I know you, there's a but"

"I'm worried about her..." I confessed

"I get that you still see her as your little sister. I've seen you two talking when she came to Seattle, but she's a grown woman. She's a mother. She knows better"

"She had so many issues" I trailed off.

"And I didn't? You helped me going straight, Robert will help her" she brushed her fingers down my back.

"I gave you even more issues, Mer" memories of the past years came rushing back, like a tide of guilt

"That's true, but you're the reason why I'm here now" She looked at the ocean, the full moon lighting the entire shore. "Remember when I drowned?"

The sea had never looked so painfully closer. Since that day we never got closer to the shore much before old memories flooded.

"I'll never forget" I know my face darkened and I looked away again, because her hold on my hand tightened. She never talked about the drowning so openly. _We have so many things we never talk about_.

"I came back for you" she looked back at the water and the memories were vivid for both of us then

"What do you mean?"

"I had a sort of dream, virtual reality, near-death experience or whatever that convinced me to go back to you. I realized I wasn't ready to let go of you and I would have broken you. Remember I told you my mother was dead?"

_She woke up asking about her mother, she saw something..._

"Yeah. She was in your dream too?"

"She came in the end. She told me I was extraordinary, just like she always asked me: 'be an extraordinary woman, Meredith'. And I did it" she clutched tightly to my arms and started sighing, her eyes welling with tears, so I cradled her in my arms, kissing the top of her head. "I came back for you and you wouldn't breathe for me anymore. You wanted a house, and kids and grew old with me, die in my arms at one hundred and ten and I chickened, because I realized I wanted the same things and now we can have it Derek. We're living in that..."

She was doing the talking, she was trying to tell me things and I was glad for it, despite the weird tears out of nowhere and the constant rambling.

"I know. Our home is almost ready, there are just the furniture missing..."

"I miss my Mom" she sighed again, cutting me off and nuzzling her face in my chest. I couldn't understand where did the sentence came from, maybe her personal train of thoughts. Despite everything, she loved Ellis Grey so unconditionally. I brushed her hair tenderly, tracing soft lines down her back.

"I miss my Dad too sometimes, it's ok. You're even more extraordinary for that" I tried to say something back

"She would have loved you, my Mom"

"Even if I yelled in her face?"

If I knew what was going to happen, I might have walked away. Or maybe not.

"Especially because you yelled in her face. That's the most I've ever loved her before she died. I can't believe I did this to my mother" her face disappeared again on my chest, silent tears tracing their paths on her cheeks

"Hey, hey, hey," I lifted up her chin to level our gazes, looking deeply into her glistening eyes in the dim light "you didn't do anything wrong. You two just couldn't find a way to get along. I'm sure if things would have been different, you would have loved each other in the best way possible" I tried to reassure her

"You mean if Richard stayed with us?"

"Maybe. I can't say that. But something good is still here if you keep loving her and missing her. I'm sure she's proud of you" _I would have. I am_.

"She never liked whiney Meredith" stammered, wiping away some tears "but maybe she is" she leaned to me again, quiet this time, her sobs soothed and I trailed my fingers through her hair again, down to her back and she shivered.

"Is it too cold?"

"No it's just you" she smiled, tilting up her head to kiss me "Thank you. I just had a meltdown, It's been a long day, I'm sorry."

"We're even with my Christmas' one" I grinned

She kissed my lips again, then grabbed back my hand and kept walking

"I'm sorry I never told you this things before" her eyes still gazing the water

"It's fine. I don't talk about my issues either"

"You should. It feels better"

"I know. I will" she squeezed my hand

"No rush"

The rhythmical sound of the waves kept us company, avoiding silence, filling the walk with peace. We really needed some time for ourselves, escaping the hectic rhythms of the hospital

"Are you ok?" I asked, even if I didn't expected any kind of complicated answer

"Kind of. I'm ok as long as you're around"

"I'm not planning on going anywhere" I smirked and her eyes sparkled. She just needed reminding sometime, especially after long, stressful days.

"I know. I really thought you would die when you got shot" she whispered, her hand grasping mine and holding on to it for dear life for a couple of steps

"Me too. But I couldn't leave you alone, I promised" I leaned in to kiss her temple

"I wasn't. In that moment I wasn't" her hold on my hand tightened again, her body leaning to my chest

"I couldn't leave anyway"

"I'm glad you're here, even if our baby is not" our gazes locked and I saw grief and sadness flicker through hers for a second

"If protecting our baby would get me killed, then I will. Or you. I will always protect you. That's what my father taught me to do."

She stopped in the middle of the beach to hug me tightly, nuzzling her head on my chest and placing her feet to stand between mine, her body flushed close, her warmth radiating to my skin.

"He would be proud of you" she mumbled, her breath tickling my chest, after my admission. I couldn't talk about my father just yet.

"Yeah, he would"

I trailed my fingers along her back, brushing her hair softly, the marine breeze mixing to her peculiar lavender smell. She smelled so differently than home.

We let go of the hug, walking quietly for a while, letting the sound of the waves fill our silent conversation, our hands still intertwined.

"The building company will place the hardwood floors next week" I radically changed subject, reminding only then my morning phone call to the architect.

"Seriously?" she looked up at me, wide-eyed. A twinkle flickered into her eyes, shimmering with tears.

"We can move in soon. Early April probably..."

"Oh my God" she stopped walking facing me with an amazing smile "We built our home Derek"

"Yes we did" I grinned back

"With a porch, French doors, a wall-wide window and kids room"

"Exactly"

"Are we crazy?" her smile had never been wider

"No, we're extraordinary"

She laughed, then kissed me and I felt her joy on my skin, her soft hands trailing on my back, under my sweater. Happy tears filled our eyes.

"Mer" I grinned, her heat flushing again against my skin, contrasting with the light breeze. She deepened her kiss, her fingers tangled in my locks.

"Don't tell me it doesn't feel like college to you right now" she grinned with lust when she pulled away

"Dirty mind"

"I was a dirty young lady" her laugh filled the beach and I couldn't look anywhere else, her beautiful curves daring to be touched, her honey hair dancing with the breeze and her happiness.

"You were the dirty girl at every beach party, uh?" I teased

"Yeah. Me and tequila, good team. Maybe we even met, I used to come to the Hampton"

"How do you know I had a beach house at the Hampton?"

"You're from Manhattan" she smirked

"And?"

"Does people from Manhattan like skinny dipping?"

I laughed at her suggestion, she giggled with me, her features softening with joy, then kissed me again.

"It's midnight and it's cold" I faked an excuse, I would have given everything to do that with her.

"Please. I've always wanted to do that..."

"Swim in the ocean in winter?"

She nodded and I couldn't help but laugh again.

"Please. It's almost spring..." she added the puppy dog's eyes too, so I just zipped off her hoodie and she took off my sweater. I tickled her ribs and she wiggled away, yelping like a little girl and we started chasing each other. In a few moments we were in the water, strangely warmer than expected, thanks to the previous sunny day. I wrapped my arms around her as we kept on laughing histerically.

"I love you" she smirked when our laughs became just smiles, before kissing me passionately and tightening our hug. Her laugh filled the endless sea again and I felt complete once more.

The following morning I woke up with the piercing smell of lavender and salt, jumping back immediately to the night before. I looked at the alarm and it clearly showed that it was late. Meredith was beautifully lying next to me, her hair scattered freely on the pillow right near my nose, hence the lavender, her bare breasts peacefully moving after a long, tiring night full of us. It was so unfair to wake her, but we had to go back to the hospital to see Amelia and save her from Mom. I trailed my finger through her messy hair, then down her back, coming back up to her cheek before brushing softly her lips with mine in a soft kiss. She slightly groaned, mumbling something undecipherable, that sounded a lot like "Sleep, please...". I pecked her lips again, but this time she kissed me back then uttered "Good morning", her eyelids fluttering open

"It is a good morning" I greeted, marveling at the sight of her in all her naked glory. _She's breathtaking this morning_.

"It's sunny! If we haven't built a house just yet I'd ask you to move here" she giggled, waggling out of the warm sheets to shower, her hips swaying seductively as she walked to the bathroom.

"I'm showering alone or we'd be late" she shouted, closing the door behind her and made me laugh.

We went to the hospital without breakfast, hoping to grab an early lunch with my mother. She was already in the room when we arrived, hovering over Amy, her brand new grandson gently held in her arms, a sincere smile on her face.

"Mom" I asked hesitantly. She tilted up her head briefly, rewarding me with her best smile, all the life-threatening words somehow magically disappeared. I realized I missed her so much in those months after Christmas.

"Derek, Meredith, it's so nice to see you..."

Meredith smiled, and I waited for some kind of outburst, maybe she was hiding something.

"I'm still here, Mom didn't bite" teased Amelia. She looked genuinely happy.

"Mom, I know is kind of rude to ask, but..." my face surely puzzled

"I know what you're about to ask and yes, Amelia and I are pretty fine. We talked and she explained everything. We are good. I'm even staying here for a while"

"A long while, she said" Amy's good mood was something I didn't considered in my morning. _I didn't considered swimming in the Pacific at night either._

"How's my godson today?" I eased the tension

"He had an exciting meeting with his Granny, but he seems pretty ok with it"

"I think so. Sorry we came so late but we don't get many days off to sleep in"

"I know. LA nightlife is pretty exhausting" we all laughed

"So you're good if we leave a little bit earlier, right?"

"Why? Don't you have the week off?" Amy seemed a bit disappointed

"Just three days, but I had an important patient scheduled for tomorrow"

"Work over sister and baby?" teased

"If you want me to" I grinned and she laughed

"Yeah, go, get your Neurogod-ego boosted. And if it's cool give a chance to Meredith to scrub in"

"Thank you, finally some Neuro fellow who considers me. I'm seriously thinking about moving here" Meredith laughed in the most beautiful way "It's a shame we have just built a house, uh Derek?" she slapped tenderly my forearm

"Really?" Both Amy and Mom were surprised. She nodded, grinning.

"We're moving in a few weeks"

"That's great! I might come around soon then, you have to show me something more than just grass and water as last time" threatened Mom

"I just put up walls. The rest is all Meredith"

"Derek, you helped with painting and pipes and other boyish stuff I can't even recall, it's not just walls..." I smiled at her humbleness.

She was right, it was _home_. She did all the work. She chose floors, curtains, paint, furniture, even the bathroom. I just agreed on everything.

"I'm glad she did. I hope you have better taste on furniture than on clothes when you were five" my Mom teased, reminding blackmailing episodes of my childhood and made everybody laugh. Robert was the only one unhappy and started crying to be fed, so we left Amy alone with him to grab some lunch and enjoy the last few hours away from the routine.

**AN: How was that? I know, bad chapter conclusion, looks kind of rushed, I'm sorry, I'm just bad at finishing chapters.**

**Mama Shep didn't bite, just a little appearance. I need to have her around every other chapter to keep balance of things. And because I love her.**

**We had some talking, some tears and a wintery swim. I really enjoyed writing this chapter, you know...With the next update we'll be back in Seattle, forget about swimming. A hint of summer during a gloomy evening was everything I needed.**

**I hope you enjoyed and you keep sticking around!**


	10. Give Me A Chance To Hold On

**This was the first chapter I have actually written for this story. Well, they were two shorter chapters, which happened to became a long one tonight. ****It was going to be entitled 'I Love The Rain The Most When It Stops', the title of the first part, but then I changed it to the actual title because it was more poignant for my likings. It's a line from You're All I Have, by Snow Patrol, a band that happens to be one of Shonda's favorites because I heard at least one of their songs in each season, especially in the first two-three.**

**Everything began around this idea, so this is a particularly dear chapter to me, even if you'll love better the next update. That will be so good...This and the next one will be around Meredith much, so we'll remain in her head a little longer, I hope you won't mind.**

**Okay, I bored your guts enough. Enjoy and review!**

**Part 10 – Give Me A Chance To Hold On**

_Grownups never understand anything for themselves, _

_and it is tiresome for children to be always explaining things to them_

_Antoine de Saint-Exupéry_

April was gloriously showing off the first blossoms on the trees siding Seattle Grace. I was walking hand in hand with Derek, waiting the surgical rush to swallow us and our slow pace. It was a pleasant morning and we were about to start our shifts. It felt so good to hold his hand.

"It feels like a year we've left this place and is only yesterday" I admitted

His wide smile agreed. From our comeback, being home together seemed like being in LA again. Every single time. I could see sparkles in his eyes every time I mentioned LA, even if almost a month had gone by. He had the most beautiful eyes today.

"Will you be home tonight?" I asked in a soft voice, stroking the back of his hand with my thumb.

"Not for dinner, I have paperwork to catch up with..."

"I can wait for you, if you want to"

"It's better if you go to bed early, we had pretty stressful days lately" he winked, reminding me that we haven't slept that much in the past weeks, the baby-making project still hanging loosely over our shoulders.

"Can you wake me up when you come back? I want to kiss you goodnight"

"It's been more than 30 years that someone kisses me goodnight" he smiled. I know we were completely different people from the ones that met back at Joe's, but we still loved each other. More than ever. "I wanna kiss you goodnight too" he added with a sincere smile.

I grinned wryly, then we divided after our ride in the elevator, both ready to work, but a small part of us unable to broke that deep eye contact we made from the first moment we woke up. That was going to be a long day.

Around the corner, I met Cristina.

"Thank God you're here, Mer. Your interns are idiots."

"Believe me, I know that" I pointlessly looked behind my back, hoping to still have Derek there, somehow looking after me. I felt a little sick in my stomach, but then my mind flew back at that midnight swim in the Pacific and it felt better, complete, still sensing the soft touch of his hands on my bare body.

"You and McDreamy just had sex"

"And?" I couldn't say out loud that we were having a good time since we came back from our short vacation. _A really good time_.

"It's so obvious. Take that I-see-him-naked-every-night look away from your face or someone will stab you" I laughed. I loved her sarcastic jokes.

"Have you seen a bit of LA or just your bedroom last month?" she added, playfully

"We were there for his sister. Besides, you don't need a bed when you are a good swimmer" I winked and I moved away from the counter with my charts for the day.

I took back my intern with an intimidating look and they followed me to the clinic. Cristina hovered behind me, whispering in my ear "No way! You had sex in the ocean? In Los Angeles? And you haven't told me yet?"

I nodded.

"You could get arrested for that"

"He liked jail. Besides, who walks on the beach at midnight in March?" I answered, matter-of-factly

"You two guys are dirty"

"And you're jealous"

I outrun her and I rushed to the clinic, where a stretcher with a toddler welcomed me. He had a nasty cut on the left side of his blond-haired head.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Grey"

"Mrs. Kenner, this is Jason, but he likes to be called Jay." the young woman greeted me. She was blond too, but her eyes weren't as blue as the kid's

Big tears were streaming out on his cheeks, while his mother was rubbing his back gently. He was a really beautiful little guy.

"Okay Jay, let me take a look"

"No." he folded his chubby arms on his chest, looking a lot older than how he actually was.

"Please, I can make it better, it won't hurt if I can take a look"

"No"

"Jay, let this nice doctor take a look at your head" his mother came in to rescue me, but her effort failed miserably

"No. I wanna home" his eyes fell close for a moment, tired from the already long day and all the attempts to push us away.

"You'll get home soon if you can let me take a look" I smiled widely, but he shook his head, pouting. I decided to give him some more time.

"Mrs. Kenner, how did that happened?"

"He was spinning around the coffee table and he fell on it and he can't move his left feet since then. I know is wrong and he shouldn't spin like that, but..." tears came in her eyes too.

"We're gonna fix that."

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. My husband is in Portland for work, should I call him?"

"I'll get you a phone if you need it. I'm going to put some stitches and run a couple more tests, ok?"

"See Jay, everything's gonna be fine" his eyes close for a moment, then he fell asleep as her mother lifted him on her lap.

"Travis page Shepherd and someone in Paeds, I also need a clear CT" I told to my intern. "Mrs. Kenner I'm gonna take care of him, ok?"

"Just make him better, he's my little boy, he's barely three" I heard her sighs moving him to the CT. He opened his eyes again just before going in, and his curious look flickered around.

"Where me?"

"Jay, you remember me? I'm Dr. Grey. Meredith."

"Where my Mommy?"

"I promise it's gonna be ok, all right? Can you lie down there for me please?"

"I want my Mommy" his eyes filled with tears

"Jay, do you like space ships?" I was running out of ideas

"Yeah" an happy face materialized

"You wanna go into one?"

"And go to the moon?" his eyes widened just at the thought

"Maybe. But this is even better" I smirked, testing his curiosity

"Better than moon?"

"Oh, yes. We can see in your head with this space ship"

"Wow" He was surprised as only kids could.

"Ok, come here" I lifted him up under his armpits and I put him on the stretcher.

"Mommy stay here?" he asked again

"She's on her way" I turned back and I mouthed to my intern Travis to bring her here.

"Ready to go in? You have to stay super-still, ok?"

"We wait Mommy" he looked at me with his big eyes, and I melted even before he added "Please" in his sweet pitch.

"Ok, wait with this nice doctor here, I'll be back in a second"

He smiled, when I walked to tell the technician to wait a little more. Derek was already in the room to see the results and he just smiled, looking at me.

"We are waiting his mom, don't worry" he said, grinning.

"I go back, you'll show me the results later"

Derek's eyes followed me back in. Jay's face relaxed as he saw me again.

"Was this guy nice?" I asked, smiling too. He nodded happily.

"I walk in the pace-chip?"

"You can't. It's too small and you have to stay really really still"

"Why?"

"We have to take pictures, and you know how it goes when you move around when there's a camera, the photo comes out blurred"

"Oh" he sighed. "This a big pace-chip-camera?"

"Yeah. Very special place..." I ressured. The kids' fantasy never ceased to surprise me.

"Mommy!" he squealed, peeking above my shoulder. Mrs. Kenner came in the room.

"Are you ready, astronaut?" I said, while his mother kissed his forehead and laid him down.

"Yes!" all his worries gone at the sight of his mother

"I'm going out to take your pictures, your mom is staying here, okay? If you get scared just push this button, I'll be right outside, alright?" he nodded, then I pushed him in and I glanced at his mother, not less worried than before, then I went back to Derek. He reached with his arm around my hip right after I came in and smiled widely, craving closeness.

"What?"

"Nothing. You're doing great with Jason" he stared quietly at me for a couple of long seconds.

"He's a very likable boy"

He kissed my head. I knew he was wondering, because I had the same sensation too. When the images came up and we saw a small, active bleeding, I wish I didn't got too attached to that boy already. Telling the mother he had to undergo surgery was heartbreaking, especially after telling her he would have been awake through the whole surgery.

"Mrs. Kenner, is a minimal invasive procedure" Derek told her

"I wanna be there" she pleaded, her eyes full of tears

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, we can't let you in there. I'll stay with him" I told her, without even thinking.

"I..."

"It's gonna save his life. I'll hold his hand through the whole thing" I offered

"Dr. Grey"

"I promise Mrs. Kenner"

She softened, before expected tears flowed out and she signed the papers.

I regretted my promise right after I made it.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Hey Jay" I greeted him in the OR

"Hi Meredith"

"You remember my name?"

"You got me in the pace-chip!" he said, almost excited. I saw Derek in the scrubbing room, washing his hands

"Hi Jay" Derek walked in the room in a few moments.

"Who him?" Jay asked, not recognizing Derek's scrubbed in form.

"This is Dr. Shepherd, he is going to fix your head"

"Are you scared Jay?" he asked him, keeping his genuine grin on his face

"Is this cool as the pace-ship?"

"Maybe. You just have to do what we ask you and answer our questions, ok?"

"What your name Dr. Sheped?"

"Derek. Are you ready?" his gaze was steady, focused, unwavering.

"Mommy?" Jay asked one last time, his hope still vivid.

"She can't be here"

"You stay Meredith?" he was about to cry again

"Of course I'm staying. Do you want me to hold your hand?"

"Big boys don't hold hands" he spoke fiercely, maybe imitating his father, but his shimmering eyes betrayed him.

"It's ok to hold my hand now". He moved his chubby little hand toward mine and I grabbed it.

Meanwhile, Derek started the procedure.

"Why you wear this?" Jay asked, brushing my hand to feel the rubber of my glove

"We wear gloves and gowns to have everything here perfectly clean and safe. Just the same reason why we wear those masks"

"It's funny"

"Yeah. Do you want me to take them off?"

"Like it. Like here, like pace-chip"

"You wanna be an astronaut, am I right?" asked Derek then, changing instrument

"I wanna be a dottor in a pace-chip"

Everyone in the room smiled. 'Keep him talking' mimicked Derek

"Why?"

"I wanna go to the pace, but dottor fix owies"

"That's a good point. What else you like to do?" he wasn't holding my hand anymore as I spoke, too engaged in the conversation to remind of being scared

"Basketball! Daddy tell me I play well"

"Really?" Derek took the lead in the talk "What's your favorite team?"

"Raptors!" he proudly squealed

"Why?" I asked, not even knowing who those guys were

"The dinosaur at every game" he answered matter-of-factly

"You like dinosaurs?"

"Yes. And dogs." his smile was wide

"Do you have a dog?"

"No. Home too small, Mommy said" his face was sad again

"I had a dog, once" I tried his curiosity again

"What name?"

"Doc"

"What happen him?" he realized that Doc was gone for good even before I could say it

"He was very old and sick"

"Oh. Sorry. My friend Tom had old dog too"

"You like to play with Tom?"

"Yeah. We run fast fast fast and we hide in the garden"

"Sounds so much fun" I smiled. It looked like the best game in the world for Jay

"You try"

"Maybe you can tell me the rules, I've never played..." fact alone who wasn't entirely made up.

"You count numbers no looking, kids hide and you find"

"And you have to run fast, right?" asked Derek, intruding in our conversation

"Yes. You know game too?" he seemed surprised

"Yeah, I loved to play with my sisters in my backyard" he admitted his weakness for hide-and-seek

"I no sister. A brother. Big. He away to study" His thoughts surely drifted to him as he stopped talking.

"Do you miss him?" I asked

"Sometimes."

"What's his name?"

"Luke. You brother?"

"I've got one sister, Lexie" I still couldn't brace myself to call Molly sister and this wasn't the time or the place to explain my issues. Especially to a kid.

"You?" he asked to Derek.

"Four sisters" a smirk played on his lips, even covered by the mask

"Four?" he shrieked

"Yeah"

"No brother?"

"Not even one" he chuckled

"Wow"

"I'm impressed too" They both laughed. "Buddy, we're almost done here"

"Was cool"

"Yeah, it was" I said, glancing to Derek, who was still smiling.

I scrubbed out a little before Derek, to bring Jason back to his bed, but he was able to join me when I was almost done.

"He's such a figure." he stated, glancing at me for a second, smiling

"I got you an interesting case today, Dr. Shepherd"

"Thank you Dr. Grey" he kissed softly my lips and I brushed his cheek with the tip of my fingers

"I'm going home, are you coming?" I said, standing at the door right before leaving

"I told you this morning"

"Right, sorry. Too much talking with toddlers today" I grinned and he smiled back

"I still kiss you goodnight"

"Good" he leaned closer and kissed me again before I walked out.

Mrs. Kenner was the picture of happiness as Jason greeted her with a smile and told her it was actually a good time for him in the OR. She even hugged me and I let her, despite anything told me not to. I promised Jay to be back in the morning and he waived me goodbye.

I went home with a smile and I watched some old tapes waiting for Derek, relaxing on the couch. He was running late again, tied up in the OR and I was waiting for him to have dinner, as long as I wasn't hungry. I felt some cramps, not from hungry or as a normal stomachache, but something else that I was sure I already felt. Maybe was something like the hangover thing without drinking, a new PMS symptom. Something new always came up with my period. Maybe it was Jay. _My period_.

My mind flew back to the hospital and Jay's happy face. He was moving again his foot and loved the moment when I told him he could walk around the hospital holding my hand as Derek prescribed. Then something in my mind changed and hit hard my guts: it wasn't Jay holding my hand but a boy of similar age with dark hair and deep blue eyes. Just like Derek's. And I couldn't breathe anymore. I curled on the couch in a ball clutching tightly a pillow. Tears streamed down my face and my thoughts kept on walking in that aisle, walking with that chubby little hand and I could even hear a giggle in my head. Big, burning tears. I kept on sitting there, staring blankly, lost in my painful thoughts. A moment just like the one I had in Los Angeles. _And I was going to have my period this month too!_

"Meredith" I heard Derek's distant and concerned voice. If he was coming in my dream too, tears wouldn't be enough. Then I felt his touch on my shoulder and his weight fill the couch next to me. He was really there. I opened my eyes and I saw his blurred, worried face.

"What's wrong? Are you ok? Why you left earlier?"

His questions came in my ear too close one after the other. I wanted to answer, but my voice was stuck in my throat, so I just shook my head, wrapped my arms around him and lifted my body over his, leaving my face on his chest, spotting his v-neck with tears. His hug slowly soothed me, especially the circles he draw on my back.

"Sorry. I'm fine" I sobbed, when tears were almost gone.

"Why you left?" I know he wasn't convinced at all

"I was tired, so I thought it was better to wait you home"

"Are you ok now?"

"Yeah." I thought about my condition, then I corrected myself "Not really"

"What's wrong?" he asked again a little concerned

"Jay" I said, my voice cracking on every other word

"He's doing fine"

"I know. It's just...I was wondering..."

"What if we'd have had a boy like him." an endless, grieving pause, then he said again "I'm wondering too..."

I wiped away some tears with the back of my hand. Silence broke in our no-more conversation, while Derek was still stroking my back and my arms were tightly wrapped around his waist.

"I'm not feeling really good" I admitted, my face still nuzzled on his chest

"Wanna go to bed?"

I nodded and he helped me up, walking hand in hand to the bedroom.

"Do you want me to get you something? Run you a warm bath?" he whispered softly, spooning me in his strong arms, my back closely flushed to his chest.

"No, thanks, it might be just some PMS" another single tear rolled out of my eyes

"Oh" _Next month we'll have our miracle_.

His caress found my shoulder and gently moved down to my hips, then he stopped his steady hand over my abdomen, before rubbing small circles with his thumb.

"I'm sorry" I whispered in a small voice

"Next month" his disappointment palpable, but filled with hope.

He rubbed and rubbed and rubbed, until my eyelids closed and I was hoping for next month with him.

**AN: I know, the AN above was boring, I should just skip this final one, I just can't help it. **

**Okay, my medical knowledge is crappy, but you already know that, right? I completely invented every procedure, just for the fiction, you doctors ****reading ****(or students who actually know this stuff) won't mind that, I hope. And also my childlike language is completely made up, as long as I don't know any English-speaking kid and I'm from Italy. You can mail me suggestions and corrections, I'll gladly replace the chapter when I'll find some time. **

**I used weird slashes to separate the two original chapters, as I hadn't any other idea of how to. I can't gat a hang on this layout thing, yet.**

**Wait for the next chapter, you'll like it!**


	11. You Are Far Too Fragile To Exist

**This is a particularly dear chapter, actually. I've written it in a completely different way, then this idea popped in my head and I thought: that's gonna be cool, so I had completely re-written it. I hope you'll enjoy it. Still with Meredith, as I wrote in the last chapter.**

**The title had been changed last minute, believe me, right when I was about to click the X button to save the final draft of the document. I had my 10-songs playlist of the day to keep me company and the first line of 'It Doesn't Matter Where, Just Drive' by Snow Patrol literally hit me. It's a great song, a recent discovery, but love at first sight, well, listen in this case. It's hard to find online, but if you want, I can mail the link for you or something...**

**Okay, all my credentials are over, oh, and little hint on the content of this chapter: the quote fits magically, for once. **

**Enjoy and review, I know you will!**

**Part 11 – You Are Far Too Fragile To Exist**

_My love, what a great joy it is, _

_to understand what is gone and what is on the way._

_Nazim Hikmet_

After a long night on call, I said goodbye to Jason and his mother, because he would be transferred to Paeds. They promised to stop by at every control when he would be discharged and say hello to both me and Derek. Jay latched on my neck with his chubby arms right before jumping on his mother, giggling and waiving goodbye. My heart sank low, the expectations for next month even bigger.

I had scheduled to assist Bailey during a spleen repair to keep my mind busy. Away from Jay, away from me. It wasn't a good day and my mind was already drifting away on its own, I needed to be focused on something I could control, hence surgery.

The OR was quiet, the repair nothing too hard. I could handle that day, I coached in my brain. _More hours in the OR, less hours alone with your thoughts_. This day could be over soon. _Please, make this day go fast. Please_.

"Grey, wanna cauterize?" Bailey's voice forced me to focus back. I held out my hand in response and the instrument moved to my hands. The smell of burned flesh twisted my stomach. It never happened. It has never been pleasant, but I never felt the need to throw up at that smell. That day was terrible from every perspective. _It had to go fast, please, make night come soon_. I tried to hold my breath.

"Everything's alright Grey?"

"Of course doctor Bailey, I didn't had breakfast so the smell just bothers me a little. It's fine, I can go on" _don't puke in the body cavity, don't puke in the body cavity, don't puke in the body cavity..._

"Okay. Clamp please" she didn't looked very convinced, though.

There was a look after I spoke, so I expected some kind of speech, scrubbing out. Something about not being the surgeon I've raised you to be or whatever. _No, that __was something only my mother could say_. _Did say_. Miranda Bailey would just be concerned. _Maybe I can even tell her why this day has to be over as soon as possible_. Twenty-four hours seemed impossibly long.

She stood next to me in the scrubbing room and, before I could say anything, she spoke, as I expected, even if a speech didn't came out. At all.

"Mint"

"What?" I know my eyes widened, but she didn't moved her glance from her hands, scrubbing energetically.

"Chew something with mint before surgery. Or chapstick. It helps, believe me" she carefully examined my puzzled look, while I was trying to fit pieces of her speech together, unsuccessfully "To cover the smell. It bothered me too when I was pregnant"

_When she was __what?_

_It couldn't be happening. It was just a bad day, with bad smells. Bad all around_. I really needed to throw up at that point.

"I'm not..."

"Take care Grey" she cut me off and went out.

My mind wrapped at the thought. It couldn't be happening this day. That day wasn't a good day for anything. It had to be a fast day. _Please, make it go faster, please. _

I avoided Derek when I saw him coming down the corridor. I couldn't face him like this. It wasn't a good day. Luckily he didn't saw me hiding in the ladies restroom. Only then I threw up. It couldn't be happening.

_Not the day my due date was supposed to be_.

I closed my eyes and sighed heavily, holding my hair away from my face. As I walked out to splash my face with some water and prepare to leave after a night on-call, I saw Cristina. She looked at me with curious eyes, trying to guess what the hell was wrong with me. She'd never guess right.

"You look like crap Meredith" she glanced at me head-to-heels

"I know"

"You should go home" not a hint of sarcasm in her voice, and that was worrying

"I'm fine"

"Looks like someone ran you over with his truck!" maybe I wasn't looking that bad if she could joke on it, after all.

"I'm fine!" I yelled, trying to walk out. She stopped me with her hand.

"What's going on? It's McDreamy?"

"It's...Lots of things, Cristina"

Tears started felling quietly from my eyes, finding their path to my neck. Cristina frowned. "Are you sure it's nothing? Maybe hormones?" _Don't even think about going there, Cristina Yang!_

"I'm fine" I babbled. She wouldn't let go easily.

"You're crying. Meredith Grey doesn't cry that often. You used to get annoying and angry during your period, not wet and emotional. What happened?"

I kept crying, unable to tell her anything about me, about the day I was having, about Bailey.

"Do you want me to get Derek?" she asked softly, putting her hand to rest on my forearm. For her it was just like hugging and I appreciated. I firmly shook my head at her question.

"Give me a minute" I sighed, wiping away some tears

"What's going on?" an unnoticeable frown appeared on her forehead

"Wait. Just stay here, ok?"

"Wait for what?" I didn't answered, walking out

"Mer?" she called, but I closed the door behind me. I came back in the room holding a kit to draw some blood.

"What's going on?"

"Could you run my labs with another name?"

"Why? Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, really" that's getting old

"You're pregnant!" a smirk stretched on her face at the realization. She knew we were trying, she knew I had to be over the moon at such that realization, she didn't knew everything.

"Let's find out" my voice was blank, far, unemotional. Not as I wanted this moment to be. _It couldn't be happening today. Why today?_

"Mer, why aren't you jumping up and down? Why don't you want Derek with you? You have been trying lately...Is not his?"

"Of course it would be his" she was wandering too far from the mark

"So what? What the hell happened?"

"It's not a good day. Just draw the freaking blood, all right?" I snapped, quite too harshly. I immediately regretted it as she fell silent and began working, looking up at me with concern from time to time.

"I'm gonna give you the results before you go home, ok?"

"Thank you"

"Sure you don't want me to page Derek?"

I shook my head. It was selfish to leave her so worried. It was a bad day already without adding a pouting Cristina, so I told her.

"Today was supposed to be my due date"

Then she hugged me. No comments, not even sounds, sighs, 'oh's. Cristina Yang hugged me and I cried for a long while, holding on to her. She didn't needed to know anything more and I was glad she was my person in that moment. She gave me a tissue, before walking out to run my labs.

I kept myself busy with charts for the remaining two hours of my shift, pretending nothing had happened. Pretending I wasn't having _that_ day. I was exhausted, mentally and physically, emotional and maybe pregnant. Everything was too much.

I saw Derek just briefly and he promised me to be home after lunch. When I was wearing street clothes to go home, Cristina found me in the lounge, an envelope with my results tightly folded in her tired hands.

"I didn't opened them. They wouldn't run them as Jane Doe, I'm sorry." she added briefly. _Right, the new hospital policy or whatever_.

"It's ok. Thank you"

"It can be a good day if you let it be" she wisely added

"I know" I swung my bag on my shoulder and I drove home.

Rain was gently tickling on my windshield. The ride with the ferry seemed endless. Alone in a car much longer wasn't exactly helping with my swirling head.

I put my bag on the table under the porch, looking for my keys, and I found the envelope. I opened it, when a sunray peeked from the rainy clouds. I turned around and I could see million drops fall silently on the spring-like green grass. I put the results back in my bag and the hood on my head, not caring for a second about getting wet. I rarely wore hoodies to go to work, but I wasn't in the mood for more than that the previous morning. I stood in the middle of our yard, looking up at the sky. The hood on my head dropped, but I didn't care. I closed my eyes, letting drops fall down my cheeks like tears. Happy, sun-kissed tears. The sky was brightening, but it wouldn't stop raining. Every sound was muffled by the soft hum of rain, no birds singing, no wind ruffling naked branches, just rain. I loved rain.

_Pregnant_.

It hit me hard, but in a good way. A tiny smile perched on my lips, fading quickly at the original thought of the day: my due date. The ray of sun disappeared for a moment, then came back even brighter. Maybe the ideal thought of giving birth could be the first step to let it go. And I was pregnant. I didn't needed the results in my bag to confirm it. There was someone else into me in this moment. I put my hands in the already damp pocket over my belly and gently rubbed the fabric with my thumb for a second. It felt good. Our "someone else" felt good. I was soaked already, but I couldn't move away. I was stuck under rain, my hands hovering over my belly. Our baby boy was gone, but someone else was already there. It was a full circle. I could feel raindrops fell down my neck, my body stuck, despite the cold rain. It seemed almost pleasant.

"Meredith!"

Derek's worried voice called me through the yard. He was home already. I had been standing there for a while, I realized just then. I didn't even heard his tires on the driveway. The hum of rain was magical, just like Derek's voice. Rain was slowing down, almost unnoticeably as I head Derek moving closer. He was home.

"God Mer, are you ok? Why are you standing here?" he stood in front of me and pulled me in a hug, trying to warm me up "You're freezing, let's go in"

I took his hand, but I couldn't move. I wouldn't move from that moment. The moment when the circle of life closed. I wouldn't dare to share those results. I just wanted to stand there forever, under raindrops and nuzzled in his warm hug. I felt chills then and I shivered, realizing how cold those raindrops were. He spooned me in his arms, gently carrying me on the porch. As he put me down to open the door I realized I had tears streaming down my face. It wasn't raining anymore. He took his hand in mine and we walked in. Somehow, without rain, everything seemed back to reality again. The magic bubble was about to blow. I looked at Derek and his concerned face, while he climbed upstairs with me.

"What were you doing outside?" he asked softly, his breath prickling my cold skin, just the right hint of worry in it. He wasn't pushing me to answer, he was just being thoughtful and talking things out. Talking is good, we realized.

"Thinking" his look became even more concerned "I'm sorry, it had been a bad day"

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Yeah"

My words hung there, then. I didn't know where to begin. As I stood in his arms, holding on to him as he trailed his finger on my back, skin to skin. I shivered, tears welling up in my eyes again.

"Can I make it better?"

I nodded, then he took a towel and draped it on the bed. He made me sat there and, just like some kind of toddler girl, kneeled down to take off my shoes and socks. I was dripping with rain and there were little pools of water on the floor were I was standing. He squatted again and I took his face in my hands, kissing him. Heat radiated through my bones and suddenly the circle was complete again. He moved his hands to lift my hoodie, throwing it away on the floor. I felt goose-bumps, but they passed as soon as he patted me dry with another towel. He lifted down the strap of my top, trailing little tender kisses to my shoulders. Then lied me on the bed, moving his kisses to my neckline, lifting the hem of my tank top without stopping the ritual. It ended up together with the rest of my clothes before I could realize it was gone, then his lips trailed down my bare abdomen. _Don't linger, please, not today, don't stop there, don't linger, don't._ He placed a tender kiss over my belly button and I sighed. His features blurred and he looked up at me, worried.

"Meredith..."

"It's ok, don't stop"

"You're crying, it's not ok" he moved a lock of my hair behind my ear, his analyzing eyes burying holes in mine to get some kind of answer to his concern.

"It's been a long day"

"Mer, please, what happened?"

He took off my jeans too and wrapped me in a towel first, then in his arms. I snuggled to his chest. His gesture pleaded me to share what was buzzing in my mind from the moment I left the day before.

"What happened today?" he kept asking, a soothing voice, his fingers tenderly brushing my damp hair.

"It was supposed to be the due date" I whispered, I couldn't keep it for myself any longer. He caught his breath and tears welled up in his eyes too.

"It's ok Meredith, everything's gonna be fine" he kissed the crown of my head and I draped my thigh over his to feel his presence even more. I wasn't alone, he was there. He wasn't going to be anywhere else. He was home.

"Can you have a bath with me? I'm freezing..." he smiled at my request, kissing me again.

We snuggled for a while in the warm water, he kept massaging my shoulders, brushing my hair and placing soft kisses on my neck. I leaned against his chest, cuddling in his heat. _Our baby was gone_. I took his hand and placed it over my abdomen. He didn't moved an inch, he was scared. He didn't know that when we would open those papers in my bag, he would realize he wasn't rubbing just my skin anymore. So I leaned my hand over his and let him stay there, while I kept rubbing softly my warm, heated skin with my fingertips. He came along then, smoothing gently his thumb above my belly button. His big, steady hand covered my abdomen almost entirely, protecting our potential new miracle.

"I'm sorry I didn't remembered. I would have been home sooner" he mumbled to my neck, kissing my collarbone after long moments of quiet

"It's ok Derek"

"You could have called me, instead of standing in the rain" he wasn't angry, just worried.

"It felt good. I needed to think. Just like when you go fishing."

He nodded. He wasn't troubled anymore. A tiny smile appeared on his lips.

"I have an envelope for you in my bag" I admitted

"Yeah?" he seemed genuinely curious, even if the lining of tears was still there

I nodded, standing up and wrapping my now-warm body in a towel. Steam followed me and I smiled. He had a curious expression on his face that made me smile. After the day I had, he made me smile.

"C'mon, it's a present." I smirked and he was puzzled

"Why you bought me a present? It's not my birthday yet."

"I know. Who's telling you I bought anything?"

I walked out to put some panties on and one of his t-shirts. He smiled as soon as he entered in the room and dressed as well. I looked in my bag and took out the folded sheet of paper. My smile mirrored in Derek's face when I handed it to him, my hands were trembling.

"You brought me blood-work as a present?" he was surprised, maybe disappointed, which made my smile even wider

"Read" I ordered, enjoying the fact that I was going to appreciate the look on his face as soon as he put the pieces together.

"There's nothing wrong. What's so interesting in a pregnant woman?"

"Read carefully" I smirked

"Seriously, you can tell her she's fine, why this Mere..." his jaw dropped

He read the name. I couldn't help but laugh at his gulp when he read the name at the top of the results. I was glad the blood-works couldn't be run anonymously for hospital members anymore.

"Derek, say something so I know you're still breathing" I asked, my face plastered with a wide smile at his astonishment. He kept blinking, his mouth still open.

"Mer" he looked up from the sheet, his eyes shimmering with tears, a long gone twinkle confirming his happiness. He sat on the bed to steady himself and I let go a giggle.

"Is this real?" he whispered

"Yes. It's real."

He stood up and tears were heavily running down his cheeks when he walked closer to hug me. From the moment he knew, it became real. We were having a baby for real. His chest flushed to my body and his arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders. He trailed his fingers up and down my back, to stop briefly and pull away a little, squatting at my feet. He lifted up the t-shirt and stared a long moment at my belly with a smile so wide that seemed fake. He rubbed his fingers, then whispered "Hi there" before kissing softly my skin. I had tears too, when he looked up and smiled widely.

The circle was closed. Despite the fear and the bullets and all the crap behind us. We were moving forward.

_We are having a baby!_

**AN: Okay, that was the chapter everybody was waiting for from the first one. I kinda liked how it turned out, maybe too much rambling, maybe not great descriptions, I know. ****The idea of the due date is completely random, I didn't actually counted anything. I'm that bad at math, believe me. Anyway, thoughts? Good, bad, better?**

**I hope I'll be posting again soon, I'm having an hectic week at school, it's mid-term, you know. My last mid-term, hopefully. I also have to figure out a couple of things with my other fiction, Soft Shock, I'm sorry I'm keeping my updates banked, but I really don't have time to write more or at least review a little what was already done.**

**I hope you'll stick around and let me know about this chapter!**


	12. Do Shudders Pass In The Night?

**Evil, by Interpol comes up again. I know, I always use the same songs and I needed a whole week to write an update. I wanted to start updating again Soft Shock, my other story, which had been on hiatus for almost a month and didn't deserved it. **

**Still busy times, but I finally found some spare time to update. Enjoy and review, I'm very happy about all the feedback I received, more than 10,000 views already. Thank you all, I like to read each of your reviews and don't mind if I don't always reply, I might have been just busy. Anyway, I'll stop boring you, I hope you'd like this chapter!**

**Wait, I almost forgot: Derek's PoV. I'm really done now, enjoy!**

**Part 12 – Do Shudders Pass In The Night?**

_Who knows what true happiness is, not the conventional word.. _

_but the naked terror_

_Joseph Conrad_

The twelve-hours shift had been long and busier than usual, or maybe it was just me too excited to come home to Meredith. We haven't officially told anybody about the baby, we've decided to wait a little more to be sure that this time nothing would go wrong. After a couple more weeks, the risks of miscarriage would drop, so we've agreed to spread the news, especially calling my mother, right after the first ultrasound, which happened to be the following week. I was still wondering how to tell her that I was going to have a baby, because I couldn't realize it even myself. She had heard this news many times already, but I knew that hearing it from me would have been a whole different story.

We were having a baby. Me and Meredith. She told me the news in the most perfect way, even considering the circumstances. We were moving away from that day nine months ago. We had months to happily look forward to. We longed for that happiness.

I was pacing on the ferry to come home and kiss both Meredith and her perfect belly, not a hint of our tiny miracle yet. The ride seemed endless, just like the distance from the dock to the land.

I parked the car in the driveway and I rushed into the house. I tried to be as silent as possible opening the door because it was already bedtime, but then I realized that in the living room the light was still on. _Maybe she fell asleep on the couch, waiting for me_. I walked in the room and she was lying still, her head gently pressed on a pillow, her hair scattered freely, the left arm hid under her body, while the right leaned at her side so perfectly, shaping her hip, her hand tenderly placed over her belly, covering it almost entirely, her legs bending slightly to her chest and her feet laced in each other. She looked so peacefully asleep that my first thought was to carry her upstairs in my arms, avoiding to wake her up, but as my hand moved gently behind her back to pick her up, she stiffened and opened her sleepy eyes, brushing them with her fists.

"Hey" she said, as she put my face on focus, while I squatted at her side

"Hey" I know my face was somehow stretching a grin on its own, when she returned the small gesture.

"I'm sorry, I wanted to wait for you" she mumbled. I kept smiling, brushing softly my lips to hers, giving her some time to properly wake up.

"How was your day?" she asked quietly

"Busy"

"I know. I scrubbed out later than expected too"

"How are you?" it was never a wrong question after such long days

"Fine" I couldn't believe her, because she looked so tired and I could probably spot some tiny tears at the corners of her eyes, looking intently. Her 'fine' is never a good answer. "You?" she continued, then we kissed again.

"I'm good. Tired but happy to be back with you and the Peanut" I grinned

She giggled, prickling my nose with her icy fingers "Peanut?" she asked, not skeptic, but a little confused.

"Okay, you don't like it." I sighed, scrutinizing her reaction, but she kept on glancing at me, maybe her mind someplace else "I'll find something better. Or you don't want anything?"

"Peanut?" she said again, like she didn't heard me speaking before.

"You know, it's little and still without a proper sex yet, so I thought could be cute to name our baby something different than 'baby'. It's the first thing that came up in my mind, it's bad, I'm sorry..." our faces were merely a few inches apart and I saw little tears building behind her brave face

"It's cute you care so much Derek" she whispered

She smiled, but it looked like she wanted to say more and her words were stuck somewhere deep into her. She sat straight on the couch, making some space for me to sit next to her, then she shifted some of her weight over me as I sat down, leaning her head on my shoulder, her leg on the other side of the couch and her hand firmly placed over her belly, rubbing it with her thumb.

"Peanut" she said again, before I could kiss her forehead.

She brushed her fingers under her sleepy eyes, keeping the quiet, and as I took her hand in mine, lacing our fingers together, they became humid with tears. I caressed her cheek and some more crawled under my touch, so I gently lifted her chin toward me and I looked deeply in her swollen, tired eyes.

"Are you ok?" I asked, sounding too rhetoric.

"Hormones" she avoided, faking a smile

"What's going on?"

"Nothing, I'm just tired" she broke the eye contact and I knew there was more

"You can tell me, you know" I tried convincing her again to open up to me

"It's...I..." she stammered, sniffing, then giving up. I deeply gazed into her uncertain look, almost pleading her silently. "What if something goes wrong again?" her voice cracked in the last word. My eyes swelled with tears just like hers. And she had been sitting there on the couch with those thoughts for a whole night.

"Oh, Mer..." I just wanted to keep her close in my arms, stroking her shoulders, while she kept on holding our baby in the palm of her hand.

"Did you felt something weird today?" my tone immediately worried

"No, it's just...What if I am wrong here? What if Mother Nature is telling me I'm not cut for this and I should just be a good surgeon?"

She was helplessly looking for an answer in my eyes. An answer I couldn't give without sounding cheesy or rhetorical, as she always accused me to be.

"What if nothing could go better than that and we would welcome the most beautiful baby in the world?" my heart skipped a beat just saying it out loud. Our baby. We wanted this for so long...

"I considered that option. Something will go wrong. Something always goes wrong, Derek" she said stern, looking away in the empty space behind me, hot tears trailing down her cheeks

"Maybe not this time"

"I'm gonna be a terrible mother anyway" she nuzzled in my chest, a heavy sob shaking all her small frame. She looked even littler and more fragile.

"Who said that?"

"You've met my motherly mother. I'm gonna be just like her" she clutched at the fabric of my shirt, as I traced circles on her back with my thumb, making her breathing easier

"You're not even close to become her, Meredith. Maybe as a surgeon, but not as a mother" I tried to reassure

"How do you know that, as the Peanut will be with us, I'm not gonna freak out completely and run away?" she snapped, pulling away a little

"Because you're freaking out now and you have 7 full months to get familiar with this. I'm not even worried about that" I smiled, but she hid on my chest again, cuddling closer.

"Derek" she whined. I put my hand over hers, rubbing her belly mimicking her tenderness.

"You're already an awesome mother Meredith" I kissed her sweetly, but she clinched to me a little strongly, not a trace of sleep in her anymore.

"I'm dark and twisty and irresponsible and I have no idea what I'm doing"

"You're all bright and shiny now. Besides, I've no clue either" I kissed her again and she chuckled, pulling away and sitting on my lap. She cupped my face with her hand, stroking my unshaved face and kissing me again.

"I'm scared" she admitted in a whisper

"I know. I'm scared too" I hugged her and she fitted perfectly her head in the crook of my neck, while I brushed her hair.

"It's gonna be great" I echoed, trying to reassure her. She was curled over me then, before she stretched a little to softly stroke her lips with mine, tracing my tiny smile with her finger.

"We should go to bed" she said, breaking the long silence around our hug.

"Are you tired?"

She grinned wryly, shaking her head, her eyes suddenly wild "I think we would be more comfortable there. I know you like the couch too. Or the kitchen counter. Or the stairs for what matters..."

"Yeah, I got the point" I chuckled, kissing her and lifting her up in my arms while I stood up. Her legs bent around my waist and she laughed happily.

"You really wanna make it through the stairs with me tonight, uh?" she said playfully, kissing me again. I didn't answered, I just carried her on our bed, while she kept on laughing in my arms, clinging her arms tightly at my neck.

**AN: This was a bit short, I know. I'm even sorrier it took me a whole week for this. I thought I could pause a little after the last juicy update. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this fluffy freaking out. It doesn't matter how badly Mer wants this baby, she will always freak out a little, just for a few moments. What's the best place then, than in Der's strong arms?**

**I hope you liked it and I also hope I won't need a whole week to add another update!**


	13. Nothing Could Be Better

**Three days between updates are a fair deal, right?**

**This Meredith-centered chapter is named after Glass of Water, by Coldplay, a personal revelation in their album 'Prospekt's March'. I almost liked it better than Viva la Vida (no, not really, but it's a good album anyway). Sorry for another crippled menu title, I should choose my songs better!**

**We keep hopping around and skipping weeks, I hope you won't mind...Enjoy and review, as always!**

**Part 13 – Nothing Could Be Better And Nothing Ever Was**

_What a frightening thing is the human,_

_a mass of gages, and dials, and registers,_

_but we can read only a few_

_and those perhaps not accurately._

_John Steinbeck_

Morning sickness had been kicking around for a while, but I already knew that the torching sensation I had in my stomach was anything but that. I've never wanted to be that giggling mommy who seems excited at about everything her kid does, even poop, but there I was, waiting – pacing at the door, actually – to have my first ultrasound. I blamed the hormones for just being too eager to hear the heartbeat. We'll be able to see our Peanut for the first time. I liked how Derek nicknamed the fetus.

I sat on a chair in the waiting room, still wearing my scrub, glad that the unnoticeable bump was still completely hidden behind it. Lifting up my shirt, I could see my belly curling already, a little bit plumper, just a hint of what would be in a few months. It seemed impossible that there was another heartbeat hidden there. Our child.

_Where the hell was Derek anyway?_ He was supposed to be there at his kid's first appearance. I asked a nurse outside to page him or at least if she knew where he was, but she told me he was pulled in an emergency craniotomy. I mentally cursed. _He was supposed to be there!_ I wasn't freaking out, yet, but I was getting quickly to that point. I tried to calm down, knowing that it wasn't going to bring any good neither for me nor the baby.

"Dr. Grey?"

A nurse called me into the room and a middle-aged woman greeted me with a smile. She looked so comforting and steady, while I almost stumbled, sitting on the bed. Amanda Riley, said her ID.

"You work here" It was a statement, not just a question, coming with a polite smile. Everybody knows who am I at Seattle Grace-Mercy West, especially after the shooting. I simply nodded, disguising my uneasiness with a tiny smile.

"I love first ultrasounds!" she said, reading through my chart, maybe more to herself than to me. "Let's get started!"

"Wait" I stammered

"Right, sorry. You want to wait for the father?" her eyes immediately looked for Derek, she obviously expected him to be there. _He should have been here already, __dammit!_

"Never mind. Emergency surgery, he works here too" I tried to push aside my fury and focus on what was going to happen next.

"Shepherd, the Neuro guy, right?" she was just trying to chat and put me at ease, but I couldn't let the conversation go there: it wasn't common for patients to have people in the hospital drooling over their loved ones.

"Yeah, he's my husband" It still felt weird to say it out loud after all we've been through, but it seemed necessary to be told. She simply grinned, as to remind me she already knew, then she put that cold gel on my skin.

My lips flashed a smile as soon as I heard a stable heartbeat and, despite all my efforts and Cristina's voice in the back of my head, I felt all mushy inside. Completely and utterly melting, just like when Derek gazed at me.

Realizing he wasn't there resettled my face, which turned back to shape a huge grin as soon as the monitor was turned toward me and I saw a small, peanut-like shape, curled in a ball and I knew it was the most overwhelming sensation of my life. I felt tears piling up at the corner of my eyes, the doctor's voice just fading and distant as she said everything was all right, _or perfect?_ I didn't heard quite much. All I knew was that it was perfect for me and now I couldn't lose all of it again. I shivered just at the thought, but maybe my body processed it too, because Dr. Riley suddenly asked me "Is it too cold in here?"

"No, it's fine. It's just..." I waited a second to sum up my thoughts, unable to utter a vaguely coherent sentence "How likely am I to miscarry at this point?"

"What do you mean?" she was puzzled. Not the kind of question she heard at every first ultrasound for sure.

"I've...It already happened a few months ago" _I can even tell you the exact day, if you want to_ "and I wanna be sure it doesn't happen again" I tried to keep my voice clear, but it was practically a whisper

"Chances are pretty low, but you have to be careful not to push yourself too much. You're a doctor and I know you think you can go without sleep for endless hours, but your baby disagrees. Strongly."

"I know. And foods, and fluids...I'm a surgeon. I know that."

"Good. There won't be many chances of miscarriage, then"

I think I sighed too loudly in relief, because she smiled at me, going back to scribble some notes on my chart.

"Could you put the imagine up again?" I asked, sounding stupid even to myself

"It's a pretty good picture, uh?"

"Yeah"

The room filled again with the thumping heartbeat, while the Peanut floated quietly in its liquid universe. Someone opened – almost slammed – the door and rushed in, before freezing after a few steps, still holding the door open.

"Derek" I whispered, the grin on my face doubling, as I saw he made it almost on time. He still had his scrub cap on, but when I said his name he closed the door and took it off, walking closer after the few seconds of amazement, still short of breath. He passed a hand through hiss messy locks, trying to process the scene in front of him. His eyes were already filled with sparkles and emotion when he sat next to me, holding my hand and squeezing it gently.

"Is that our Peanut?" he asked, sounding dazzled. I just nodded, unable to say anything more and break that perfect rhythm that was our kid's heartbeat, a wide smile plastered on my tearing face. He kissed my forehead, before sitting again to stare again at the monitor. I did back and forth from his face to our child, unable to fix on one of them and when Dr. Riley just froze the image and turned off the heartbeat, I still could hear it in my hear, in my head, in my whole body. Derek cleaned up the gel, then leaned forward to kiss gently my belly, then his gaze met mine, joy spilling out of his eyes as pooling tears.

"I'm sorry I was late"

"It's fine" I saw a blurred figure walk out, and I guessed it was Dr. Riley, because the room felt so filled with us that it was almost painful.

"Derek..." I whispered, or babbled, I think we both didn't recognized the difference. He widened his smile more than possible, brushing urgently his lips to mine. "It's gonna be ok" I added, when our lips had just parted and he was only a few inches away.

"I know"

"We can tell people Peanut's here" I grinned, almost hysterically happy. I was really becoming all mushy and over-sentimental, Cristina was right. But it felt all but wrong in that moment.

"Can we?"

I nodded and he kissed me again, deeper this time

"Cristina knows already" I thought it was fair to point that out

"I know. Hunt greeted me, he said he overheard you two talking"

"Oh..."

"I know you would have told her, I don't mind, really"

"She was there when I found out"

"Good, at least you weren't freaking out all alone" he teased, smirking.

"You freaked out too"

"We'll freak out even more when I'll tell my mother. The least she would do is to fly here to curl us in the tightest hug we could imagine and then fly away"

"Now I'm freaking out!" I teased him too, maybe a little thrilled about Mrs. Shepherd's visit though. Then I remembered some awkward moments back in New York and I realized that maybe she wouldn't be so happy to fly to Seattle.

"She still doesn't completely like me. Mothers end up hating Meredith Grey at some point" maybe it was shot at my own mother too. I stroked my belly gently and Derek noticed the gesture immediately.

"My mom loves you and our kid will do the same. That ring" said, showing me my left hand, where his ring shone brightly in its simplicity "was hers. She told me it was 'for the right girl' after she met you.".

I felt even worse after that, because I refused to wear the ring until after the shooting, when I needed to remind somehow that he was still around. He put our intertwined hands over my unnoticeable bump, then smiled and my face lightened up again. "You're gonna be an awesome mother, Meredith" he said, as I rubbed my skin with my thumb.

"You said that a thousand times"

"You need reminding" he smirked again, grabbing my lips with his again.

"You wanna know if our Peanut is a boy or a girl?" I asked. I knew it was early, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts I processed in the waiting room.

"I really don't mind, do you?"

"I already know" I smirked and he cocked his head, frowning.

"It's too early to catch that on the ultrasound we've been staring for the past hour, right? Or all my medical skills just got fucked up..." he chuckled

"It's too early, breathe"

"And how do you know? DNA?" teased

"Does it floats in my belly or what?"

"That's a good point" he grinned "You wanna let me know or should I start the betting? Nurses will love it!" he faked his leave with a smirk

"You wanna know?"

"I think I like betting better. Maybe next time I'll look more carefully to find out myself" we both laughed, then I gave him a quick kiss.

I caressed his cheek with my thumb and he leaned to my hand, just as he does when he's about to doze off in bed.

"Are you tired? You were on-call last night"

"So were you" he would never admit he's weak

"I've napped in the waiting room, you were fishing in someone's brain in that moment" I smirked, closing the distance between us with another kiss.

"Wanna go home?"

"Definitely"

He kissed my forehead, before we walked out, holding each other's hands and grinning happier than none of us had ever had. It felt so weird all that smiling, but still, Peanut's heartbeat filled the silence every single time now. Peanut's really coming.

**AN: I hope you enjoyed it and I also hope to update almost twice a week, from now on, but I can't guarantee anything. Busy times, I'm sorry. **

**That was a fluffy, short chapter, I know, I'm not really keeping track of things lately. Stay tuned!**


	14. Into The Fire

**New month, new update. It's short, I know, I might post something else soon. I'm using fan fictions as study breaks at the moment, so I'm sorry if they're short and maybe full of mistakes. **

**We have Derek once again and the title is a song by Thirteen Senses, featured in an early episode of Grey's, probably 1x01 if I remember right. It's a great tune...Nothing to do with actual fire for this chapter, don't worry!**

**No more chatting then, enjoy and review! **

**Part 14 – Into The Fire**

_He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream,_

_and he sometimes wondered whose it was, _

_and whether they were enjoying it_

_Douglas Adams_

Lunchtime was the only moment I could spend with Meredith that day. We sat down quietly, holding each other's hand, just grinning widely every time our eyes met. It was the sparkle in hers that kept me from glancing away, a sort of hidden happiness she never showed and now was invading her. She was gloriously glowing with happiness.

"Have you called your mother?" she asked, after a cautious smile, biting her sandwich as we sat quietly in a lone table in a private corner of the cafeteria

"Do you wanna call her?" I asked, trying to shift the conversation away as I completely forgot about it.

"You told me you'd called her after the first ultrasound" she cocked her head in a cute way, a small reminding smile stretching her rosy lips.

"Right. I'll call her tonight" I remained vague. I was actually afraid to call, probably because she was going to be upset as I didn't called her right away.

"You're on call again, because of the car piling up"

"Oh yeah. I should call her now then"

"Or tomorrow" she smiled, but deep down she was a little scared too. Telling my mother meant telling people, which made everything more true.

I took out the phone from my pocket to dial her number and Meredith's smile waved a bit. Something fell off my scrub next to her feet, so she picked it up for me and saw it was the ultrasound's picture. Her face softened in a bright smile again and I kept stroking her hand in circles, as my salad was over and I waited Mom to pick up the call.

"Derek?" my mother's soft voice arrived warmly in my ear. I had called her often after she knew about me and Meredith and almost once a week when she stayed with Amy in Los Angeles, but it was still good to hear her calm tone

"Hi Mom"

"How are you doing sweetie?" She insisted with the sweetie thing even if I was almost over with my thirties. _I should speak to Meredith about this..._

"I'm great, thanks, you?"

"I caught a cold coming back from the already warm LA, but I'm fine. Are you working today?" it was like coming home, when I was at school and she always asked about my day as I made home after classes.

"I'm on lunch break, yeah"

"How's Meredith?"

"She's doing fine, she's right here actually, saying hello" I smiled to her. She was still looking at the picture in some kind of amazement, her fingers tracing the little shape of our baby's spine back and forth.

"Mom" I didn't know where to start, it sounded so cold to say something precious like that on the phone

"Is there something wrong?" I could hear her immediately concerned tone as I struggled to find the right words. I've always been good with words, and she remembered.

"She's...I'm..." I stammered "We're having a baby, Mom" As I said it the corner of my lips curved up, so did Meredith's as I looked up. She tightened her grasp to me, her eyes full of sparkles

"Really?" she sounded surprised and happy at the same time, her voice chocking a bit at the end of the word with emotion. Not much upset, luckily.

"Yeah, can you believe I've seen the first pictures?" I glanced back to Meredith and her full hands

"Oh Derek, I'm so happy for you both" I could feel the joy in her voice

"Do you want me to mail them for you?" I know I sounded like a child with a new toy, but I also knew it was killing her knowing that she wouldn't be around the entire time like she had been with my sisters

"When it arrives this baby will be born already!"

"E-mail, Ma. Maybe I'll send it to Kathleen to spread the news, so she can show you" she wasn't really a technological person as Kate.

"Yeah, better. Have you talked to Amy?" she asked

"Yeah, she's doing fine. Robert grows." I called her a few days ago, but I was going to call her again at the end of the week to tell her about our baby.

"She has been so worried over him, you know. She called me every night after I got back"

"She told me, she was so glad when I came by with Meredith"

"Oh, about visiting..." I could see her smile from the phone

"You'll have your new grandchild around Christmas, if that's what you wanted to know and Thanksgiving is already booked for Meredith's family" they were going to be busy holidays

'She can come by' Meredith mouthed from her seat. I shook my head, gesturing that I'll explain later

"So...Christmas in Seattle, then"

"Is a pretty nice place and we have a new house to show you" I smirked. It was going to be ready soon.

"I remember. All new around there, uh?"

"Yeah, kind of" I couldn't help to smile at the mere thought

"Look, I have to pick Tommy from daycare, we'll talk soon, right? I'm looking forward to your e-mail, Derek and congratulations again. Say hi to Meredith for me...Love you, honey!"

"I love you too, Mom"

As I hung up, Meredith's face was glowing more than usual. "So?" her tone eager of information. The bits and pieces from my conversation didn't satisfy her enough, apparently.

"She'll come by on Christmas"

"She could come for Thanksgiving too, I didn't mind a little mixing up of families" I know she liked Mom, but my sisters were a whole different story.

"My family is overwhelming, Meredith. You met the Shepherds, if my mother comes, all my sisters will come. And husbands and kids. More or less 20 people. You'll be 8 months pregnant. We'll save them for next year, ok?"

She laughed at the short summary of my whole familiar situation "Amelia can come, if she's all alone in Los Angeles and she wants to bring the baby."

"I think we can manage something, yeah"

Meredith laughed again. Since yesterday that grin never came out of her face. She was stunningly beautiful.

"Oh," I added "Please, never call our child 'sweetie' or 'honey' or whatever, especially if is a boy, all right?"

"Okay, honey" she smirked, then kissed me. "Besides, you keep the picture in your pocket? That's so McDaddy, Derek..." she teased and we laughed loudly going back to our lunches, not giving a damn about the gossips that soon would fill the walls of Seattle Grace.

**AN: That was short and fluffy, I just wanted them to move forward and make this baby real for everybody. I should have added something, maybe telling other people, but I'm focussing my story on the two of them.**

**I hope to update before the end of the week, but I'm not promising anything. Hope that my teachers would stop giving me tons of homeworks so I'll have a little more time. Thanks for being loyal to my story anyway and keep reading every update, I know this was fluffy and a mere filler, but some good stuff will come to those who can wait...**


	15. Life Is Beautiful

**I don't have much to ramble tonight, except that we'll be back in Meredith's shoes and the title is a namesake song by Vega 4, of course featured somewhere on the show. It was a pretty defining moment, if I recall correctly.**

**Enjoy and review, then!**

**Part 15 – Life Is Beautiful**

_As happens sometimes,_

_a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment._

_And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment._

_And then the moment was gone._

_John Steinbeck_

Lately, I was tired most of the time. It wasn't easy being seventeen weeks along, especially during a sticky hot summer. I couldn't take days off to build up OR hours for my maternity leave, also because so far I didn't even needed any. It was the first time I felt really worn out since I found out about the baby.

Derek had just done an emergency surgery and I was about to leave after my twelve hours night shift. He let me scrub in so we could leave together and I was glad I hadn't to drive. Our home in the woods was beautiful, but impossibly far after a night shift. Or maybe I was just pregnant. _It was still weird to say out loud. A good weird. The best kind of weird, actually_.

I think I fell asleep on a chair, waiting for Derek to inform the family that the surgery was successful and to change back into street clothes. I still had my scrub on as I was too tired to even think about changing. As I opened my eyes, he was softly kissing my forehead, plopping in the chair next to mine, a tired smile lingering on his lips.

"Ready to go?"

Just then, after his soft voice reached my ear and forced my eyes to open again, I realized he had gathered all my things from the locker and was holding my bag on his lap.

"Just one more minute" I mumbled, snuggling into his shoulder, closing my eyes again. I felt his laugh ran through his chest, a lovely awakening sound.

"Don't you think you'll sleep better in our bed, with my arms around you?"

"Yeah, but I'm too tired"

"You ok?"

"This being pregnant thing is getting everyday more annoying. Thank you for getting my stuff"

"It's not annoying at all, you know that" his small smile told me he was enjoying every single moment of it, even when I apparently looked crazy

"I annoy myself, Derek. You're too kind with me" I snorted

"I have to take care of you. Both of you..." his voice softened

"Thank you"

He kissed softly my temple as I fell backwards in my chair.

A growl in my belly reminded me I had to have something to eat before sleep. Even if I wasn't that hungry and it really wasn't a growl.

"What?" he asked, I don't know if he sounded more concerned or curious. He knew me too well to not notice the sudden change of my expression.

"The Peanut's moving inside me!"

His look was ecstatic at my admission, his eyes widened, almost as a miracle just happened. I couldn't help myself from feeling the same, all the weariness immediately replaced by an incredible, complete joy. He inched closed, placing his hand over my belly, right next to mine, that immediately landed there after I felt some movement.

"Is it moving now?" he asked, hopeful, a big smile on his face as well.

"Nope, not anymore. I'm sorry" I grinned

"It's ok." he kept staring at our hands over our moving child, completely dazzled

"I think we should go home before the whole hospital will know I'm happily pregnant" I grinned

He smiled, then took my hand in his and, as a real gentleman, eased me on my feet. He was still startled.

"When do you want everybody to know?" asked, when he found his voice again

"The ones that matter already do. Other people will find out sooner than you think. The smarter ones have already listened to gossip, I suppose. We've always been their favorite topic, believe me, right from the start" I sighed, remembering the rumor mill spinning often out of control

"You think?"

"I know. It's the way they look at me in the cafeteria or while I wait in a line for a CT. Their faces say 'Oh, Grey's pregnant' before looking away"

He laughed hard. He helped me to get in the car as well.

"Such a gentleman this morning" I smirked

"Just keeping you comfortable"

I think I doze off again in the car, because another gentle kiss made me realize we were in our driveway

"I'm such a bad company today, I'm sorry" I sighed

"Our baby moved and you think you're bad company?" he chuckled in his distinctive way

"I have another surprise for you" my smile teasing his curiosity

"Yeah?" his eyes glittered like Christmas lights

"It won't take you long to see it"

"Was that a hint?" he asked, cocking his head and flashing a McDreamy smile that almost made me weak to my knees

"Your surprise is upstairs, that's a hint"

"Oh" he smirked, opening the door.

When we were inside, he deeply kissed me, leaving me breathless and even more worn out.

"Why you waited so long to kiss me like that?" I smiled wryly

"Gossip" admitted, capturing my lips with his again, gently this time

"I go take a shower, I smell" I giggled

"No, you don't"

He kissed me again, before I squirmed out of his arms. "Don't you dare joining me!" I shouted from the stairs and I heard him laughing. I teased him even more when I got out of the bathroom with damp hair and just my underwear on. He looked at me in awe as I went through the drawer for an old t-shirt. I gently placed my hand on my belly to give him another hint about his surprise, then I lied next to him.

"Where's my surprise?"

"You haven't seen it yet?" my voice seductive to play along.

"You naked is an habit, not a surprise" he said, lifting up my college t-shirt and placing a kiss over my fuller belly. Then something clicked.

"Look at that" he gently stroked his fingers on my skin "our baby is growing" He smiled, looking up. The same smile he had before, possibly even wider.

"And moving" I added, a wide smile stretching on its own

"Wow. Just wow"

"Yeah, just wow" I giggled

He kept stroking the tiny bump, his fingers colder to my flushed skin. I literally realized it overnight and it felt overwhelming. We could see a hint of our baby. I could feel flutters and movements. Peanut was safely protected in my belly.

"You are beautiful" he whispered, never leaving his gaze from my rounder abdomen and trailing quick, wet kisses to our baby.

"I'll be like a beached whale in a few months, Derek" just the thought made me feel dizzy and bite my lower lip.

"You'll be the most beautiful mother-whale in the whole wide world"

I kissed him, as he lied gently on top of me, careful to avoid my belly

"That was corny" I smirked

Another flutter in my stomach warned me of some more movement

"And Peanut agrees with her Mommy" I added, placing both our intertwined hands over the movement.

"It's moving, Mommy?" he said in awe, rubbing my skin with his thumb. The way he stressed the last word make my heart melt.

"Yeah, Daddy" he smiled widely, kissing me, his other hand steadily holding the back of my neck.

"She's tired" I added, before another quick kiss. Teasing him was fun, especially when we were both half asleep. I just hoped he would miss it, even if he was clearly too awake to not notice that.

"She?" his eyes widened, afraid maybe to have forgot to check something during the last appointment.

"I didn't confirmed my theory, I just know we're having a girl"

"Know how?"

"Gentle kicks. Boys don't have that kindness"

"I was a kind boy"

"I can ask your mother, Derek" he laughed

"Ineffectual kicks. I bet where she got them..."

We shared a good laugh, then I know my smile faded a little, because he looked pensive again. He kissed me, then grinned and kissed my belly.

"Hey Peanut, it's Daddy" tears gathered in my eyes. I should blame the hormones. "You know how much Mommy and Daddy love you, we can't wait to meet you and I personally can't wait to hold you in my arms." I felt a flutter, right under Derek's hand and I grinned widely.

"She's happy to hear Daddy's voice"

"Yeah?" he looked up with his McDreamy smile and melt me from the inside out. I let a lone tear far from the corner of my eye and he brushed it away, still in awe.

"She moved, after you talked, she fluttered"

"She's amazing" he placed a soft kiss to my belly again.

"Derek"

"Hmm?"

"Can we keep my feeling secret?"

"You mean, pretend we don't know you think we're having a girl?" A girl. Emotions welled up in my throat. Tiny little dresses and French brides. A girl.

"Yeah. I told you because I wanted to stop with the 'it' thing. We'll stick to Peanut and we'll paint the nursery green or yellow, ok?"

"Why?"

"I hate pink and I want to have something we can share just the two of us"

"We have lots of things anyway" he smirked wryly

"You could be a tease if I wasn't that tired"

"Sorry, I'm keeping you awake talking. We have the whole afternoon for that"

"Talking is good" I clinched to him, locking my thigh around his hips and letting out a huge yawn. My newly discovered bump brushed to his muscular abdomen and he grinned widely. "Do you mind?"

"We should sleep like koalas every night" his hands gently moved to my belly, connecting to our little Peanut

"Yeah, it feels good"

As I closed my eyelids for a second, I was off to sleep and I didn't needed his soothing touch to have beautiful dreams.

**AN: How was that? I hope you enjoyed...**


	16. You're Weightless, You Are Exotic

**Hey, I'm finally updating here too! It seems quite a long chapter as well.**

**I warn you that is going to be a little bit weird chapter, that deals with something unexpected, showing a side of Meredith, who's obviously telling the story, that we all know she has but it's often forget. It's an idea that popped in my head riding a bus home. Read it and you'll understand what I'm rambling about. **

**I have to add that my French is seriously ****bad**** despite almost three years pretending to be studying it. Forgive me. **

**The title is once more borrowed from Interpol and their pretty cool Evil. I know, I always use the same songs, I'm that obsessive sometimes. **

**Okay, I've said it all, read and review!**

* * *

**Part 16 - ****You're Weightless, You Are Exotic**

_If we have no peace, _

_it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other._

_Mother Teresa_

Looking closely, my belly was really showing under my light blue scrub. If gossip wasn't enough, almost everybody knew then. There weren't just pensive looks, people approached me to congratulate every day, even if we never met. It was frustrating, especially for my wild hormones.

I scratched angrily my last chart, before slamming it on the nurses' desk. I looked even more pregnant, then. I snorted to my recent lack of patience, wanting so badly to go home. I had a whole night on call instead.

"Hey" Derek hushed tone and his soft kiss to my temple suddenly changed my mood. I brightly smiled back to him, knowing that he was worried by the slight frown, which softened at the sight of my smile.

"Why everybody's congratulating with me and not with you?" I blurted, sounding childish and even more hormonal.

"Oh, they are. I have my hands full..." he chuckled "You ok?"

"With some strawberry ice-cream everything would be better, but I'm holding up"

He took out a mid-sized ice-cream cup behind his back, stretching a wide smile. Out of his coat materialized a plastic spoon, before he placed it on the desk. I was too mad to even notice that he was hiding something behind his back.

"You shouldn't do that" I chanted, but grabbing swiftly the cup from his hands and opening it. The frozen smell of strawberries invaded my brain, even before I could take a spoonful and make Derek burst into laughter. He kissed me quickly.

"I knew you craved strawberry ice-cream." I smiled, before offering him a spoonful too. He chuckled, but accepted even if it was just early morning "Bailey said she needed you in the clinic" he added, before kissing me goodbye and going back to work.

Right in those moments, the world seemed to stop and wait for our bubble to burst. It was like rays of sun after a storm, before clouds would cover up everything again. The world was lighter with Derek around.

Peanut marked her presence with a flutter, forcing my hand to instinctually move to my belly. She appreciated the ice-cream.

I secured Derek's gift in the fridge in the resident's lounge, before heading down to the clinic. I met Bailey halfway.

"Dr. Bailey, Derek told me you were looking for me"

"Yes, Grey. You have been to France during your dark youth, right?"

"And?" I asked, frowning. _What does my youth has to do with Bailey?_

An unrecognizable voice reached my ear as she opened the door, my eyes locking to a teary, intense gaze of an African woman. She was speaking in French, that's why Bailey asked, I recognized the sound of the language.

"I don't speak French" I immediately said, feeling just as unhelpful as Bailey.

I glanced back at the woman, looking for signs to understand what was going on with her. It was the look in her eyes that kept me there, one of pure fear. She held her hands protectively over her stomach and something clicked: she was pregnant.

"I don't know what the hell happened to her, can you understand something?" Bailey asked again

"Even if I always skipped my French class I can tell you that she's pregnant. It's in her eyes." My hand immediately moved to brush my own baby.

"The only thing I know is that she had been in an accident"

"I got her" I walked closer to her bed and she helplessly looked in my eyes.

"S'ils vous plait, aide-moi"

I gently put my hand over her forearm and I muttered, in a poor French "Bebè?" touching softly her belly. Tears gathered in her eyes, before she nodded. Her dark brown hand covered mine and squeezed it. Her features softened for a moment, appreciating the slight connection we made to each other.

"Doctor Meredith Grey" I patted my chest.

She nodded faintly "Makena N'Dong"

"It's gonna be ok Makena, I promise."

Her gaze softened, showing strong, but gentle features. Her hand moved again to her belly, rubbing it gently. I immediately made an ultrasound, glad to hear the heartbeat of her baby as much as she was. It was always a great sound to hear. Luckily it was strong too. She was about twenty maybe twenty-five weeks along. Just like me. I sighed heavily. Her baby was ok, just like mine. I tried to keep my mind busy to avoid drifting to scary thoughts.

"Any family? Famille..."

She shook her head and I think I got the word right. "Kenya. Seule...Alone?"

I nodded. _Poor Makena, pregnant and alone in a foreign country_.

"Do you speak English?"

"Little"

"You understand me, right?" I tried to speak slowly and she nodded. _Thank God_. "You were in a car accident?"

"Yes"

"I'm looking for some injuries, ok?"

She nodded, and moved away her hands from her belly, before looking up

"Bebè ok?" she asked in a small voice, her eyes filling with tears

"Yes, ok" I managed a small, reassuring smile

She smiled back, then I tested her leg functions and her head. As I went to check her back, suddenly her arms wrapped around my body, holding me there. I closed my eyes and I hugged her back. I could just imagine how afraid she was.

She let go first, smiling at me as I wrote something on my chart. She looked good, nothing wrong with her, luckily. I wanted to keep an eye on her overnight, but she seemed perfectly fine. And her baby too.

"Bebè?"

I felt her soft hands brush my belly, showing its roundness under my scrub. She traced her fingers gently and Peanut fluttered. It seemed a magical connection between us, like a shock through my whole body. I nodded at her, feeling my eyes prickling with tears. Makena smiled widely. Our silence told us more than any word. I touched her belly again, as gently as her, connecting even more. We were sharing a precious silence, as she was feeling a little less alone in that big hospital. I had to take care of her, in some way. Her cheeks were glistening with tears.

"It's gonna be ok, Makena. I'm gonna take care of you and your baby. I promise"

I sat next to her, then I paged Derek to tell him the whole story in person and let him go home without me. He arrived in the room when Makena was sleeping and I was filling some charts. I immediately stood up and get out to not disturb her.

"Hey, you paged?" he asked

"I'm monitoring her overnight, you should go home"

"Is everything alright?" he brushed gently my cheek with his soft fingers, immediately noticing something different from the moment he handed me that ice cream this morning. _Poor Makena, nobody be there for her like that_.

"You can't speak French, can't you?" I asked helplessly, my hands finding his muscular, healed chest.

"Nope, I know some words because I have an aunt in Montreal, but not really speaking. Why?"

"My patient, she's from Kenya, she speaks just French and she has no one" I sighed

"Have you tried to call the interpreter?"

"She has a bad cold"

"Damn"

"She's pregnant, around twenty-five weeks along. She's all alone" tears gathered in my eyes and he smiled shyly.

"Oh, Meredith" he wrapped his arms around me, rubbing gently my back, holding me in the moment. Peace restored.

Between us, our child moved gently. I kissed him lightly, just like his soothing touch.

"Do you want me to stay?" he mumbled softly

"We should do something to help her, Derek. I don't even know if she has a place to raise her baby..." I trailed off, feeling really helpless again.

"Try to know something more about her, then we'll figure out something, ok?"

He kissed me one last time, before heading home.

As I came back in her room, I felt Makena's stare on me.

"Hi" she smiled

"Is everything ok?"

"Ok"

I smiled back at her. She looked a little less worried and afraid. I sighed, taking back my place on the chair at her bedside.

"Daddy?" she asked, pointing at the door. _Maybe she wasn't sleeping when Derek visited, after all_.

"Yes, Derek" my voice softened just saying his name. I couldn't help it.

"Beautiful" she giggled and I laughed with her. The sound of her happiness was deep and joyful, almost as if nothing had happened. She had some kind of magical power to do that.

"Yours?" I asked, trying to get to know her more, as I picked up the chart again

"War"

She didn't need to add anything, tears spoke for herself. She was more alone than I thought. She really had nobody.

I reached for her hand and she squeezed it. The contrast between our skins was almost stunning: hers, a perfect shade of brown, burned by a lifetime of sun and outdoors; mine, a creamy, pale white, just slightly glowed by pregnancy hormones. Somehow connected.

"Do you have a place to stay? Home? Maison?" I stammered, hoping to get right every French word. She shook her head.

"Just arrived"

_I couldn't leave a pregnant woman homeless_.

I heard a knock on the door, then Derek peeked in. He had a bright smile as he came in the room. He greeted Makena with a broken French as well, but she smiled back. I whispered 'Daddy' to her and she giggled. Derek frowned, but kept grinning.

"I have good news. I found a place for her. Temporarily." he said happily

"You did?" My eyes widened. He marveled me every single day.

"I called the embassy, but they told me they need a couple of days to arrange something for her. As long as we can't keep her here, she can use the trailer. It's still on the land and I don't use it anymore. What do you think?"

I jumped to his neck, kissing him passionately. _He found a solution! _I fell in love with him all over again.

I turned to Makena, trying to see if she understood our conversation. She was gently rubbing her belly, leaving us some space, but she was clearly amused by my reaction. I broke apart from Derek, my arm still wrapped around him, glancing to her.

"Makena, you have a home"

"Home?" her eyes twinkled and she smiled.

"Derek found you a home"

She brought her hands to her face and started to cry for joy.

"Thank you" she mumbled, between tears. I came closer and I hugged her.

"Let's go home" I grinned, untangling our hug and helping her standing up.

We gathered her small amount of things in her only suitcase, then Derek drove us home. Makena remained quiet the whole ride, admiring the green hills and the Bay we passed by during our trip. She seemed comfortable during the ferryboat ride too, even if she stood a little bit far from us.

Derek wrapped his arms softly to my waist, placing his hand tenderly over my belly, I leaned into his touch.

"You are an awesome man" He chuckled at my praising.

"You changed her life, Meredith"

"I know, it feels pretty good"

"You're gonna be an awesome mother. You already are" he kissed the crown of my head, breathing in my lavender essence as he always does.

"Do you think they're gonna send her back to Kenya?" I asked after some moments of quiet, the water rolling under the boat the only sound

"I don't know. She's gonna be fine, she's a strong woman..."

"She is"

I glanced at her: she was smiling, looking out at the ocean, her tresses wildly blown by the breeze, her dark skin merging with the earth tones around her. She seemed to like being here, in Seattle.

"New York" stated Derek, out of the blue, his eyes gaining another sliver of hope "My Mom knows a place for homeless women in New York, she used to talk about this project a lot...I'll give a call to her"

He moved away, before I could even open my mouth to reply anything, grabbing his phone. I walked to Makena, leaning my forearm against hers on the rail. She smiled, taking out of her bag a small French-English dictionary. I smiled widely. She look through the pages, tracing down with her finger every word.

"Teacher" she said

"You were a teacher in Kenya?" she nodded

"Français"

I smiled. She rummaged through pages of words again.

"Blessed." stammered "Bebè blessed" she pressed gently her fingers over my belly. Tears rolled quickly down to my neck and her eyes moistened as well.

"Your baby too"

"Thank you Meredith"

"You're welcome"

Our hands locked on the rail and our gazes got lost in the ocean. I was wondering which hopes had Makena for her baby. I didn't know what to expect and I had dozens of people around me, caring for me and cherishing the arrival of this baby. _Who would look out for them?_

"I was right" Derek interrupted my thoughts with an highly happy pitch. "My Mom still helps in that place in her spare time and they have a free bed for Makena. They're gonna speak with the embassy, then they'll pick her from here and bring her to New York"

Maybe she understood that something big was happening, because she tightened her hold to me.

"You really have a home now" I squeezed back, a genuine smile on my lips.

We arrived to the trailer half an hour later, after some grocery shopping. She picked up something as she wanted to cook to thank us for everything. I smiled, admiring how skilled she was in the kitchen.

"Beautiful" she said, waiving around the kitchen, while I was cutting potatoes

"We built it ourselves"

She smiled. Silence wasn't embarrassing between us, I was used to silence and our minds were able to connect perfectly even without words.

The smell was delicious and cravings didn't help much. I just knew that, after my nap, I found lunch ready on the table. We sat together and my mouth watered just at the sight of the finished dish. The taste really blew my mind. Makena laughed, so did I, enjoying the meal with her.

I tried to explain her how the dishwasher worked, but I also told her that washing dishes was the only thing that helped me cool down after a long day at work or after an argument with Derek. She told me some of her Kenyan life, how school worked and how life was hard there. We used no more than one hundred words during the whole conversation, but we understood perfectly what we wanted to say. When I yawned, she giggled.

"Bed?"

It was barely dinner time, but I was already worn out. We had tea together in the afternoon, during our chat, so I wasn't even hungry. Time really flew by.

"I think I'm going to sleep, yeah" I giggled too "Derek will be home soon"

"Wait" She went out, maybe to take something from the trailer where she stored her things, then she came back with her dictionary and a strong but soft and colorful piece of cloth. I thought it was her typical dress and she wanted to show it to me. I smiled, but then I marveled when I realized that it wasn't a dress, it was a baby wrap. Something I've always wondered how women made them and she was putting it on in front of me! _Awesome_. Her gestures so accurate and caring, almost like she's always done that.

"Teach" she smiled, pointing to me "Gift Meredith"

"It's for me? I...It's yours, we can buy one together, that's yours..."

"Yours Meredith. Makena teacher"

I giggled, then I let her wrap the robe around me. First, she made the classic African back wrap, that I should use when "bebè big" as she said, then made the front wrap, something I've never really seen, because it could be clearly used only for the first year at the longest. All the turns and twists and ties were fascinating. At the fourth try I almost managed the front wrap, even if it took me a little longer about the back one.

When Derek entered in the room, the puzzled look on his face made both of us laugh. He smiled, trying to understand why I had that robe around me.

"It's a baby wrap, nothing dangerous" I tried to reassure him. He laughed hard.

"Mom called, Makena is going to leave tomorrow morning, I'm gonna bring her to the airport at 9" a hint of sadness clouded his voice and his eyes lost the twinkle for a second.

"Okay" I answered quickly, the same sadness having the better of me as well

I finally tied again the wrap, getting it right at the first try. Makena smiled and I hugged her.

"Bonne nuit" she smiled, hugging me back.

"Thank you so much. Good night"

I went to bed after silent promises to keep in touch, knowing that maybe we could visit her once we would fly to New York, exchanging mails when she'll learn some more English, getting to know our children once they were both born, as they would be so close in age...giving her a family, practically. And she leaned into that, into us, taking all, but giving back as well, with wrapping lessons and delicious meals.

When Derek joined me in bed, I immediately cuddled to him, realizing I was crying as I felt his chest becoming wet under my cheek. He gently rubbed my back, wordlessly soothing my storm of hormones. It wasn't a farewell, in the end. I just couldn't stop cry.

He caressed me endlessly, softly tracing his fingers through my back, then tenderly placing them over our Peanut and kissing my forehead.

"She moves every time you take care of me like this, you know..." I placed my hand over his. My sobs were calmed, just broken sighs from time to time.

"She's beyond magic, I can't wait to feel her" he whispered

"Makena said she'll be blessed" my mind drifting back to all the memories of the last days spent with her

"She will, I promise"

He kissed me once more, then I snuggled into his chest and we began to nod off, wrapped into each other's arms.

"Mer, what were you doing in the kitchen?" he asked, a small smile playing on his lips immediately

"She taught me how to do baby wraps. You know, the ones African women always use to carry around their children. Do you like them?"

"You mean, you could safely wrap a child into a piece of cloth?"

"I've always loved to do that. Google it if you don't believe"

"You can do that?" he wasn't doubting my abilities, he was just confused

"Yes" I answered proudly and I know he didn't need more

He smiled, then kissed me. "Can't wait to see our Peanut in there"

I locked my gaze to his, before leaning my head back on his chest and drift to a long, deserved night of sleep.

* * *

**AN: Told you it was a weird chapter. I hope you liked it anyway, because I loved writing it. **

**The fascination of baby wraps is all mine, but Bailey used something like that as well, so I thought, why not?**

**Thank you for reading this chapter and I'm sorry I haven't updated before but I was busy with life, updating 'Soft Shock' and getting into 'Me And You', my new one-shot, set in early S4. **

**Stay tuned!**


	17. You Suddenly Complete Me

**In this chapter I've started Beta collaboration with Cheomara7. The goal is to make this story even better. We'll see where we go from here!**

**There's a little time span between this chapter and the last one, I didn't felt like writing another holiday chapter. I'm sorry. Read on and you'll understand better.**

**Yet again, the title is from the song Hysteric by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I decided to use the title of the whole fiction for this chapter because it's the turning point of the story in my opinion, and it fits perfectly with the events. We'll see a grown Meredith and I loved writing it, hence the meaningful title.**

**Enjoy and review, you make my day! **

**Part 17 – You Suddenly Complete Me**

_There will always be something to ruin our lives. _

_It all depends on what or which finds us first. _

_You're always ripe and ready to be taken._

_Charles Bukowski_

I hadn't rested in more than twenty hours. I sat down twice, maybe three times, in the past eight hours, and the Peanut didn't want to be cooperative anymore. Braxton-Hicks were giving me a hard time. Thanksgiving had been exhausting, with everybody at my place to see the new house, and even though people helped me with the cooking I was already too pregnant to host parties.

Post-Thanksgiving week was a mess of accidents, and work piled up. My whole body was aching and the baby was kicking as hard as ever. When I finally sat down, exhausted, on a chair in the waiting room outside the OR, I thought I was about to faint. I drank some juice, ate a sandwich, and the faint feeling slowly went away, replaced by some strong kicks or cramps, I couldn't really understand which was which.

I rubbed my huge bump gently, trying to calm the baby, but it seemed impossible because every cramp just came harder. I felt my stomach torching and I had to –metaphorically – rush to the bathroom to throw up my only meal of the day.

Walking out I saw Cristina down the hall coming towards me, then she became an undistinguished blur. I never saw her arrive next to me; a hard cramp knocked me to the ground. When I opened my eyes again, Cristina was hovering over me, gently slapping my face. I felt the cold floor under my back. When I put her face in focus again, a painful cramp ran through me and I sort of curled up.

"Meredith?" she asked

"Yeah" I managed to hiss, trying to ease the pain

"What's going on?"

I was about to say I had no idea, but then I forced my mind to work straight, between the few pauses from one kick to the other, realizing that they were contractions, not kicks. _Damn it, it was too soon for our Peanut!_

"Labor" I stammered, in pain again.

I heard her shouting for a stretcher, while my body was shaking with each contraction. I was trying to relax, but it seemed impossible. I knew I had to anyway. The only thing that kept me calm was thinking about Derek and his happy face at Thanksgiving, laughing and playing the guitar with Owen and Alex.

"Derek..." I muttered to Cristina. She nodded and immediately paged him.

Somehow I ended up in a soft bed with hospital-clean sheets and I felt exhausted. I needed to nap, but I wasn't able to close my eyes before a contraction came again, painful as a stab. I breathed in and out, without any luck in calming down. Cristina was still by my side, unable to say anything but 'Breathe' and hold my hand during each contraction. I could see fear in her usually determined eyes and that scared me even more.

"Meredith?" Derek's voice rushed in before him. He was full of worry and concern.

"Oh my God, what's going on?" he asked, leaning closer to my bed. I tried to answer, but Cristina was quicker. His hand immediately found mine and he squeezed it gently.

"She's exhausted and she's having some pre-term contractions. We're trying to stop them, but she has to relax."

"Oh Mer," he sighed, brushing my sweaty forehead and kissing it, before another wave of pain hit me.

"It's gonna be ok, Mer. Just calm down, ok? It's gonna be ok..." his soothing voice tried to make me relax, but it was impossible. _It was too soon, our Peanut deserved at least three more weeks!_

He sat on the bed at first, but seeing that I wasn't calming down and instead I had started to cry, - the contractions were even harder then - he lied behind me, spooning me in his arms, my back leaning against his hard chest and my head on his shoulder. He was gently stroking my hair with one hand and rubbing my bump with the other.

"Shhh, it's gonna be ok," he kept mumbling in my ear, the same way he would have soothed our baby after a scary nightmare. Tears kept sliding slowly down my cheeks, more for fear than for pain, until somehow I fell asleep in his arms with all of my weight on him, and his hand tracing circles over my belly hoping to calm down the baby as well.

He held us through my whole nap, because when I woke up, he was still there. Outside the sky was darker. Peanut was gently floating now, kicking to reveal her presence from time to time as usual.

"Meredith?" he asked immediately after he saw my eyes open. His whole face was filled with worry, somehow softened as I was able to give him a small smile

"Are you ok?" he asked softly.

I nodded. In his arms I was ok.

"Thank God! You scared me to death!" He gently kissed my lips, urgently.

"I'm sorry," I managed to babble. His chest suddenly hid my face and his arms wrapped tightly around me. I tried to keep fresh tears at bay.

"What happened?" I asked, afraid of his answer.

"You had contractions because of the stress you've been in the last few days," he didn't sugar-coat anything. He knew I wanted the truth. I bit my lower lip, trying to clear my head of the fact that everything that happened was entirely my own fault.

"How's the Peanut?" _If I was so stupid to put our baby in danger over work, my bad motherhood had just begun_. I felt tears in my eyes, ready to spill out.

"Peanut's fine, you wanna see yourself?" he smiled, as I nodded, then leaned toward the monitor, turning it towards me.

The _woosh woosh woosh_ of the heartbeat filled the room after he switched it on, the same familiar, healthy sound as always. I rubbed my hand over my huge bump, sighing loudly as I saw the baby floating peacefully inside me.

I think I was actually crying then, because Derek's fingers rolled on my cheek, easing my tears. I just kept on staring at our baby, unable to look away, afraid to hurt it again.

"Did something bad happen to our baby?" I mumbled

"No, Meredith, I told you, only a little bit of stress. You worked too much, she was just as tired as you were," a relieved smile spread on his lips

"I hurt our child, Derek," I sighed, fully knowing that, despite Derek's words, everything had been my fault.

"No, you didn't," he kissed the top of my head tenderly

"I should know better."

I had many breakdowns during the whole pregnancy, but never so many tears. It was a sign the end was nearer.

"She's fine, Meredith. Does she look upset?" he said, looking at the screen, and his smile widened.

The baby's little hand was moving to her mouth and she was sucking her thumb. I couldn't help my smile.

"Is the Peanut sucking her thumb?" asked Derek in disbelief.

"Apparently" I said, shocked too, finally able to giggle.

"God, we have to frame that!" he said, pushing the button to print the image before she pulled away. "Oh, I'm mailing it to my sisters immediately!" he grinned, kissing my cheek and suddenly sneaking out of our embrace. He hopped out of the bed, stopping at the door.  
"Will you freak out if you're alone for a little while? I need some coffee too..." he added

"Go, the hormonal breakdown is over," I smirked as he closed the distance between us with a kiss and left.

He almost ran out of the door, leaving me in a muffled silence, the baby's heartbeat still thumping in my head. His wide smile somehow calmed me, even if the feeling of guilt wouldn't leave my gut. I stared quietly for an endless time at the image of our baby, sorting my thoughts out on that day.

"Mommy's sorry" I broke the hush, rubbing my hand over the spot where our baby was kicking. "Mommy's sorry she worked too much and almost hurt you. I promise it won't happen again..." _It's not even born and I'm already apologizing. I'm gonna be just like my mother. _"I'm not good at this stuff, ok? Being a mother will never come easily, so please, I'm asking you to be patient with me, because I'm gonna screw up a lot of things." _Okay, I shouldn't be saying 'screw up' to a kid._ _Bad mother_. "I don't even know how to talk to you, Peanut. I only know that I'm sorry in advance for every time I will hurt you. I never meant to, it's just that I don't know how to do this," I sighed, tears welling up in my eyes. "You're gonna be so beautiful and perfect, you're gonna suck your thumb just like I used to do, and everything's just too much, because I'm gonna disappoint you somehow and I can't live with that. My mother always disappointed me and look how I ended up. I can't let you have that kind of life. I love you so much already, and you're not even born." I wiped away some tears with the back of my hand.

"Well, you'll always have Daddy, anyway. He's so great and I'm sure you two will fall in love instantly. I hope you will be a little bit more like him than me. He's simply great, you know. Your Daddy is amazing. He saved my life, and messed it up all at the same time. I knew I would spend the rest of my life with him as soon as our eyes locked for the very first time at Joe's. I have never admitted it to anyone. He has this amazing gaze, you know, you can't look away when he's staring at you, and the hair... He is an awesome man. I'm glad you have half of his DNA, even if I hoped more." I chuckled, "But you're gonna be fine, I promise. I'll do my best to never let you down again, even if I have to skip surgery or lose my job for you, I'll stay. You matter. And you're already extraordinary, Peanut"

I was tearing up quietly again, my eyes closed, when I felt a hand on my wrist and the bed shifting under a familiar weight. I noticed a blurred, grinning Derek as I opened my eyes.

"You're back," I wiped away my last tears and he grinned again after a soft kiss, full of love.

"How long have you been listening?"

"I just came in"

_No he didn't_. His look told me he had heard everything and now I felt naked. More naked than when I was actually naked in front of him.

"You hope our baby has my hair?"

I smiled. He asked the stupidest question of them all.

"Of course, I've always hoped that, even when I wasn't ready for babies and everything,"

_'F__ive chatty children with perfect hair'_

I paused, before asking "Did you suck your thumb?"

"Nope, Amy used to."

"I did." I know I had a huge grin on my face, then "I quit when I was barely a toddler. Sucking thumbs was weak." I could almost remember my mother saying it, even if kids so little normally wouldn't remember that kind of memory. His lips found my forehead, and he kissed away the last tears on my cheeks, making me smile again.

"It's gonna be ok."

"As long as you keep an eye on us 24/7," we both laughed.

"I mean it, Meredith."

"I know. And I meant all I promised before too," I admitted

"Saying speeches is a good mother thing."

"Yeah?"

"Mothers are always fond of speeches, mine was at least..."

"Oh, my mother was fond of yelling, a whole different matter."

He stroked my shoulder, just to remind me that our story would be different. We would have yelling and fights, but we wouldn't have abandoning. We would have love, maybe not perfection, but it would be enough.

So I beamed, melting in the blue of his trusting eyes, knowing that our child's life would be a whole different story than mine, and I felt blessed to have such a great man supporting me.

**AN: I hope you enjoyed the wise, committing Meredith. **

**I'm glad I managed to solve the situation in a single chapter and add some fluff in it too. I couldn't bear writing two angsty chapters in a row. Considering where Soft Shock is headed, I really needed some fluff between these two.**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and thanks to everybody who reviewed and commented the last update, stay tuned for more!**

**And thanks again to Cheomara7 for her contribution!**


	18. December Baby

**Sorry for the delay in the updates but I just came back from Munich and I'm still a little off. Those last four days had been busy, but I loved every single second of them. I'm glad you're still is a long chapter for my standards, I hope I'll make it up to you...**

**December Baby is a song by Ingrid Michaelson. It caught my eye immediately because I'm a December baby, but anyway, it's a soft, quiet song.**

**I put the Italian version of the quotation as ****well this time because ****I ****personally translated it. I couldn't find it on the Internet even ****though I know there's**** an English version of ****the**** book. If you have Ocean Sea, please write the exact translation somewhere and I'll ****change it immediately.**

**Back to the**** story, I'm sure you're going to love what Derek tells you here. It's been a while ****since we've been in his head, uh?**

**Enjoy and review!**

* * *

**Part** **18** – **December** **Baby**

_"Come tutte le sere, venne la sera._

_Non c'è niente da fare: quella è una cosa che non guarda in faccia a nessuno._

_Succede e basta. Non importa che razza di giorno arriva a spegnere._

_Magari era stato un giorno eccezionale, ma non cambia nulla._

_Arriva e lo spegne._

_Amen._

_Così anche quella sera, come tutte le sere, venne sera."_

* * *

_Like every other evening, night arrived._

_You can't do anything about it: it's something that doesn't face up anybody._

_It just happens. It doesn't matter what kind of day is turning off._

_Maybe it was an extraordinary day, but nothing changes._

_It comes and turns it off._

_Amen._

_So that evening as well, just like every other evening, night arrived._

_Alessandro Baricco_

* * *

It had been a hard day at the hospital. Long and difficult surgeries all day, but luckily everybody was still alive. I came home to Meredith and she was already in bed, despite the fact that she was starting to hate the forced rest that imposed her body. Our Peanut was moving a lot when I wrapped my arms around her bump, spooning her in my arms and wondering how she could manage to sleep with that party going on inside of her.

I could never understand how women were able to grow such perfect things inside of them and actually push them out without surgery. It has always fascinated me. _Maybe that's why I spent all that time around Addison when we were younger, or maybe it__ was just the trauma of having four sisters._

The Peanut was quiet now, probably just floating in the little space that she was about to leave. The due date was coming closer; so was Christmas. Actually the due date was on Christmas Eve, and there was no doubt that she was going to be the best present ever.

I saw some blurred lights outside our window, before dozing off to sleep with a smile lingering on my lips. I hung Christmas lights over our porch that morning. _Our new home's porch_. Meredith complained, but after seeing the result, she was pretty much into the Christmas spirit, even if there were still two weeks to go. We decorated a big tree too, and she told me about her Christmases with George and Izzie and Doc as we decorated it together. She cried for a while, missing all three of them, but overall she was happy.

I don't think we've ever waited so fondly for Christmas before. Our home, our tree, our lights, our baby-to-be, everything was perfect.

My mind stopped drifting when I felt the strong grip of Meredith's hand clinching my arm tightly. I groaned something about going back to sleep, kissing the closest part of Meredith's body, before closing my eyes again. She shook me again a few moments later.

"Derek," she whispered. She held my hand now, squeezing it.

"What?" I managed to babble. I think I fell back to sleep before I could hear an answer.

"The baby's coming!" she raised her voice from a whisper to a high, freaked out pitch. It took me a second to process everything and open my eyes again.

"Now?"

"I'm having contractions. Fifteen minutes apart, I've been monitoring it. I'm officially in labor Derek." _Ok, she was freaking out. So was I_.

"I know you worked all day yesterday and I just sat here all day long and you're tired and you want to sleep, but I need a ride to the hospital. I can't wait any longer, it's been a while since the labor started, and..." she rambled and I silenced her with a quick, sleepy kiss.

"Yeah, okay. It's ok. Just give me a minute to get dressed. Do you need something?"

"Bring me those pants over there and that sweater." They were both mine, but they were one of the few things that fitted her and that she actually liked. She looked so little in them, so breakable, and I knew she was almost at her breaking point. It was going to be a long night...

"I'm ready!" I faked. I wasn't ready for my baby to arrive: my face was a mess and I couldn't even put myself together enough to think straight, but I helped Meredith walk down our brand new stairs and through the grassy patch to reach our car. She sat down and practically curled herself into a ball. _New contraction_, j_ust thirteen minutes already_. "My bag," she managed to utter.

_Crap, it was still upstairs. Empty. _

"What do you need?"

"Put some stuff in, I'm gonna steal a couple of scrubs from your locker, ok?"

Actually scrubs were pretty much the only thing she wanted to wear during her leave at home. "I'll be right back, ok?"

"Move, my waters just broke." My eyes widened and my feet moved of their own accord.

I rushed upstairs, almost falling, but preparing everything in less than five minutes. I was back in the car, and she was grimacing again.

It was painful just to watch, I can't imagine how she kept it so light in the car later, smiling and pretending to chat about surgeries, as if it were the most regular ride to the hospital ever. We had to wait through another contraction before taking the elevator, all her weight was on me as she tried to stand despite the pain.

Dr. Riley arrived right after Meredith lied down. I sat helplessly next to her while she was being examined.

"Good, four centimeters already!" Riley said. _Still a_ _long way to ten_.

She was almost shaking with every contraction; there was less time to breathe after each new one came. She wasn't even able to talk after a few hours, when the doctor came back to announce that there were still three more inches. She was exhausted already; pain spreading throughout her whole body, the light in her eyes was just a hint of what it was before. I didn't know if she could make it three more inches without any drugs.

"Mer...Meredith?" She looked so distant when she was finally able to look at me, before being caught in some more pain and drifting back to lie down again.

"Do you want an epidural?"

She shook her head harder than I thought was possible. "I'm giving birth to my child on my own," she said stubbornly.

She had already cursed many times and her voice was harsh from all the pain, but she was still the same immovable woman I knew. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, to soothe away some of her pain, even though I knew it was impossible and probably useless. She clinched her hand around my arm tightly.

"I need to sit up Derek, please, help me sit up. I can't lie here anymore, I just can't," she said, one of the longest talks we'd had in the last few hours. It was already starting to get lighter outside.

I sat on the bed behind her, holding her tightly as all of her weight fell on my chest when she sat up. She collapsed onto me, exhausted. I brushed her hair softly. Then Dr. Riley came in again to check on her. As she walked in, Meredith shivered in my arms and blurted "Der, I need to push."

"So push," suggested the doctor, after coming closer to examine her, "you're already at ten inches; push Meredith," and so she did, for ten long seconds as I held my breath. And again. And again, without complaining once, as she became weaker and heavier in my arms with every push. My hands were numb from her grasp, but I didn't mind.

"I can't do it anymore," she surrendered.

"You can Meredith. The head is almost out, you're doing great," I encouraged, at a loss for more suitable expressions

"I just want it to be over, please, I can't take it anymore, please, Derek, please," her desperate plea pinched my heart. Hysterical tears spilled out of the corners of her eyes, mixing with pain and exhaustion.

"If you push some more it will be over soon, I promise."

"Please" I couldn't stand her in pain, even considering the circumstances.

"We're gonna meet Peanut soon Mer," I tried again

"Just do a freaking c-section! Why didn't I ask for a c-section?" she was sobbing now. Then she weakly pushed against her will.

"Mer, you can push again, I know it," I was out of ideas of how to convince her, so I just kissed her forehead and she pushed; maybe for me, maybe because her body asked her to, but she pushed again, and I could see my baby's head.

"The head crowned," said Dr. Riley

"Seriously?" Her face lightened from pain, just to darken again after another push.

"Please, take her out, please!"

"It's almost done Mer, you're doing great"

"Take that little girl out of me please!" She yelled. I lulled her in my arms, trying to calm her down, whispering soothing words in her ear.

"Little girl?" asked the doctor, trying to distract her. I didn't even realize that she said that, I was too busy soothing her sobs

"Yeah, it's a girl. Just take her out, please..." she wasn't yelling anymore, just sobbing and pleading us to end her pain as quickly as possible.

"Mer, you have to push again. It's almost done, c'mon. They can't pull her out, you know that too." Tears welled up in her eyes again. She leaned against my chest limply and pushed as hard as she could with the last of her strength. Then she pushed again, just because I held her hand even tighter.

As she relaxed completely on my chest, unable to do anything more than lay there in my arms a loud wail filled the room. Meredith smiled widely, tears running down her cheeks. There was movement, but I couldn't process anything but the sound of our baby crying. I looked up and I saw a tiny screaming Peanut coming closer and laid into Meredith's arms. _I'm a Dad_.

"You were right," said the nurse, "a beautiful little girl, congratulations!"

I looked down, behind Meredith's shoulder and there she was, our little Peanut: fluffy dark hair, delicate features, and angry, ineffectual fists that loudly screamed of life. Meredith just pulled her closer and she immediately calmed down, her face softened and Meredith kissed her tiny forehead. When she looked up at me, all the pain and the exhaustion in her eyes were gone, replaced by the most wonderful smile. Everything looked so perfect that I could hold them in my arms for the rest of my life. _I'm a Dad_.

"Told you it was a girl."

I couldn't make up any words in response, so I just smiled, astonished, hoping she could understand me. The nurse took the baby back to have her tested and Meredith immediately fell asleep on me. I curled up beside her and, somehow, I managed to sleep a couple of hours too. I had rescheduled my schedule for the next few days and called my mother the one time I left the room.

When I opened my eyes again, Cristina was sitting across from me, charting.

"Hey, Shepherd," she whispered, as she saw I was awake enough to process what she was saying, "Your mother is here."

"Thanks Cristina. Will you keep an eye on Mer and page me when she wakes up?"

"Of course," she smiled, pointing at her stack of charts.

I walked out. My mother was waiting for me right outside.

"Congratulations!" she shouted, before hugging me so tightly that I had trouble breathing. I kissed her cheek, leaning into her hug.

"I heard that my new grandchild is a girl," her smile melted my heart more than the sentence itself. _A girl_.

"You heard right," I grinned

"Oh, another Shepherd girl," she sighed proudly

"Do you wanna see her? Because I can't get enough of her, so I'm going to the nursery," I admitted

"Of course," she smiled; we started walking. "How's Meredith?"

"She's exhausted. She dozed off right after giving birth and she hasn't moved an inch since. She was great."

"What about you?"

I needed a second to tell her exactly how I was feeling, and I still didn't come close, saying "It's overwhelming, you know? Not in the way that I can't breathe, it's more like fresh air than that, but still...I have no idea what I'm gonna do Mom," I rambled just like Meredith and Mom smiled

"It takes a while, but at some point everything will come naturally, almost like you've done it for your whole life. It's like surgery somehow, don't you think?"

"Yeah." My mother was so great at pointing out stuff so easily

"There," I said when we reached the nursery and we looked behind the glass. I pointed to her: our sleepy, dark-haired girl and my mother smiled. "She's so beautiful, Derek"

"Yeah, I know," I still couldn't believe she was all ours.

"How is she doing?"

"I suppose great, but I was going to ask Dr. Robbins. The blond woman right there, we've worked together on some cases. She'll know something for sure."

As Arizona looked up and saw me, she put on a huge, Peds-like, smile, mouthing "Congratulations!" I gestured for to come in and she agreed.

"Congratulations, Shepherd, she's lovely," she voiced when we walked in.

"How is she? Is she ok?"

"10/10 on the APGAR test, she's not just ok, she's perfect!" She giggled.

"Thank God. Oh, this is my mother," I said, putting a hand on her shoulder. They shook hands, smiling widely.

"You wanna bring her to Meredith?" Robbins asked.

"Can I?" I know I sounded like a little boy on Christmas, but I couldn't help it.

"Of course. I can even let her stay there full time if you want..."

I know my face lightened up, because she had already prepared some papers.

"There. Can I come in and see how's Meredith doing?"

"She was still sleeping, but you can try anyway."

"I'll stop by later."

"So, can I steal my daughter?" I marveled at that sentence.

She grinned, giving me the good to go. I stopped for a moment, carefully watching her again, analyzing every perfect feature of her sleepy face. Then I headed to Meredith's room, proudly pushing the cradle as people stopped me in the aisle. My mother went to the cafeteria to relax and grab a coffee after her long flight.

When I arrived in her room, Meredith was still sleeping and Cristina had left a note for me. "911, sorry Shep." I chuckled quietly, so as not to wake my girls. _God, that sounded so cliché and so perfect at the same time_. _My girls_.

I sat down next to Meredith, looking back at our daughter. I ruffled her fluffy black hair - too much for a newborn, maybe – trailing my fingers through it. Then I moved down to her little, soft ear and her chubby mouth, tracing the shape of her lips. They were just like Meredith's. Her shoulder was a perfect curve and I unwrapped her to see how fully beautiful she was. Her softness was unbelievably perfect and her smell similar to a flower. She was all curled up, almost as if she was still in Meredith's womb. She wasn't sucking her thumb yet though.

"Are you afraid to hold her?" a soft voice, enveloped in sleep, reached my brain and I immediately looked up watching the most beautiful Meredith I've ever seen. _Perfect, just like our daughter_.

"Maybe," I answered, able to manage a little bit of the astonishment.

"Pick her up or I'll do it by myself. It's great..."

I scooped her up in her pink blanket, sitting right next to Meredith on the edge of the bed and everything fell in its place. A wide grin spread across my face, uncontrollable.

"Told ya," she caressed my arm, moving down to touch our daughter's little feet, placing her head over my shoulder. I spotted tiny tears glistening in her eyes.

"Since when did you know we were having a girl?" I asked, trying to focus my attention on her and not just on the Peanut in my arms. So small in my strong arms, actually. I was suddenly afraid to hurt her, so I gave her to Meredith.

"I had a feeling at the first ultrasound, remember? Don't ask why..."

"So you thought about names?" I smirked

"I wanted to bring up the topic yesterday night," she laughed quietly, "I even thought about boys names to mess with people."

"By the way, Cristina and Alex won the bet. Everybody thought we would have a boy," I grinned, remembering the first time I saw Cristina and a group of nurses taking money from their pockets, as if they were trying to keep it a secret.

"You seriously bet?" she said with a wide grin.

"You seriously knew?" I teased her, before brushing her tired lips.

I felt something ticking at my chest and I realized it was our daughter's feet, right before she burst into tears. I panicked, sincerely freaking out, while Meredith reached out to cup her head with a perfectly fitting hand, easing her up to her chest and lifting up her gown, trying to feed her. She smiled widely as soon as the baby began nursing at her breast, her tiny fist brushing Meredith's bare skin. I could only stare, open-mouthed at this tender, caring scene, enjoying secretly that I could see it over and over again in the next few months.

"Derek?"

"Yeah..."

"Stop staring at my boobs."

"I'm staring at our daughter." She smirked. Then she just smiled softly, her eyes bore into mine, lighter gray shadows spotting the sea of green

"We should name her sometime soon, don't you think?" she asked, still tracing the length of our baby with her fingers as she nursed noisily.

"Yeah, it might be appropriate. You're the one who looked at the books, any suggestions?"

"You really didn't came up with anything yet?" She snorted at my frown. "Grace is lovely, but it would be so cheesy," she suggested with a smirk, tilting her head to the side.

"I thought the same."

"Emily was in my list too," she admitted and I looked at her weirdly.

"You made a list?"

"Mental list," she nodded. I couldn't keep myself from grinning

"It's nice, but it sounds a lot like Amelia to me and, I don't know..." I evaluated.

"Next?" she asked.

"I'm sorry…"

"It's fine...Lily? Sarah? Hannah?" she suggested, but they didn't click.

"What about Alice?" she said after some thinking.

I grinned, looking at our baby girl. _Perfect_.

"Alice Greta," she added

"You know, I love Greta, but Alice sounds a bit like Ellis," I looked away, afraid of her answer. Alice was really perfect.

"Yeah. It would remind me every single day to be better," she whispered, becoming pensive. She named her and I loved every single thought behind her decision. Alice was just right for our little girl.

The baby was resting on her shoulder, still looking so small, Meredith's fingers tracing circles on her back. She smiled to me, "Welcome to the world Alice Greta Shepherd," she said, before looking down at our daughter's now open eyes, placing a tiny kiss to her forehead then handing her to me.

I took her in my arms and for the first time, we looked into each other's eyes. Hers were a peculiar blue, already fading to green. Or gray, I couldn't quite tell. Her fingers wrapped around my forefinger as I lightly touched her arm. "You're so beautiful," I mumbled to her, before kissing her forehead. I could feel her tiny feet gently kicking my chest. Then, after a long session of staring and extended glances her eyes closed and she fell asleep, her breathing became quiet and peaceful.

"Oh cr..."

"Derek," hissed Meredith before I could even finish. She wasn't mad, just reminding me.

"Yeah, sorry, I just realized I left my mother down in the cafeteria all alone."

"Go get her, she'll be so happy to meet Alice," she smiled widely.

"She saw her in the nursery, but she also asked about you."

"Oh," she added, surprised. I put Alice back in her arms, kissed her lips and our daughter's forehead, and left the room. I didn't simply walk into the cafeteria, I hopped there.

"There you are!" greeted my mother.

"I am so sorry, Mom."

"I suppose Meredith is awake by now."

"Yeah. We were discussing names, I just lost the track of time," I admitted, feeling a little bit guilty about leaving my mother all alone.

"Did you come up with something?"

"Alice. Alice Greta," I smiled. I could say that name a thousand more times and never get tired of it.

"A beautiful name for a beautiful baby."

I smiled in agreement.

"I've seen Mark and a girl I suppose is Meredith's sister," she said.

"Yeah, Lexie..."

"Are they still together?"

"It's complicated, but yeah, they like each other a lot."

"I've never seen Mark into someone like this." I nodded, before drifting off to the moment when I punched him when he told me he was dating Lexie.

"How's Meredith?" she interrupted my thoughts.

"She's..." Good wasn't enough, she was glowing and irradiating happiness, but I couldn't really get a hold on how she was doing, so I sighed "...amazing." My mother smiled widely. Then she walked outside, towards Meredith's room.

"Hi Mrs. Shepherd!" Meredith said when she saw her.

"Oh, drop that, it's just Carolyn," she walked closer and managed to hug her, despite Alice being cradled in Meredith's arms.

"I'm so glad you came," she smiled widely and I knew she meant it.

"I heard about a new baby and a new house, I couldn't miss it," my Mom grinned.

"Yeah, everything is pretty much changing."

Meredith didn't look as embarrassed as the first time they met. It was like they joined the same secret club in the past year and I didn't know a thing about it. _Right, the mother's club_. I smiled to myself, still feeling weird when I called Meredith a mother, even if she had been doing a great job for the past nine months.

My pager beeped and I shut it as quickly as possible, but Alice didn't even flinch. _A daughter of two surgeons already_.

"It's the Chief," I babbled.

"Maybe he wants to congratulate us. You can tell him to stop by, I would appreciate it," mumbled Meredith.

"You sure I can go?"

"Your mother will keep me company, don't worry," she grinned, and I unwillingly left the room to meet the Chief.

_I'm a Dad._

_I'm Alice Greta Shepherd's Dad_.

* * *

**AN: I hope you liked the chapter. It had some last minute changes, but it turned out good (hopefully). At least, I loved writing it.**

**I only ****noticed the similar sounds of Alice/Ellis because I looked up the pronunciation. In Italy we say it in a completely different way, even if it's written just the same.**

**They finally had their baby girl, but the story is not over, so just stick around, okay?**

**Thank you for reading and thanks again Cheomara7 for being my Beta!**


	19. This Is A Place Where I Don't Feel Alone

**I planned a whole big, giant chapter for the birth, then I decided to split it. It's not a perfect half, but here it is. I hope you like the idea.**

**I struggled with the title. I was just going to use the same one again, and then I decided on this line from To Build a Home, by The Cinematic Orchestra and Patrick Watson. I know it has been used already, in chapter two or something, but I think it's better than December Baby 2.0, right?**

**Enjoy!**

**Part 19 – This Is A Place Where I Don't Feel Alone**

_A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,_

_and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes._

_Robert Frost_

I placed Alice gently in Carolyn's arms as Derek walked out. She wrapped her way better than I had. I couldn't take my eyes off of her, still not believing that she had grown so beautifully inside of me. She was in there yesterday and yet she was just like an early Christmas present, all wrapped in white and pink. Maybe she wouldn't ever wear much pink throughout the rest of her life, but pink made her dark hair pop even better. It was already messy and fluffy, just like Derek's. She had his cheesy, chubby cheeks too, even if the nose and her lips were mostly like mine.

"So this is Alice Greta..." Carolyn said

"Yeah."

"It's so weird the first time, right?"

"Kind of. She looks too perfect to actually be real."

"It happened the same with me when I first had Kathleen. But it keeps happening now too, I can't help it. They're so new, but you're already so in love with them it seems nearly unreal." I just sighed, admiring her bold simplicity and knowing firmly where Derek got it from.

"You are a great mother." A simple statement, but she blushed slightly.

"It comes naturally."

"Not to everybody," I sighed, meaning every single word of my sentence.

"It's inexplicable, but you'll know what to do most of the time," she said.

"I've been raised to be extraordinary. I got lost between my teens and my twenties, but I'll do my best to raise my daughter extraordinarily."

"She doesn't need to be extraordinary for you to love her. When she fails, loses everything or disappoints you somehow, you'll still love her because you'll know that you did the best you could to make her reach the top. I love my kids even if I preferred that Derek and Amelia didn't move to the other side of the country, or that Nancy actually relieved her father's shop when she thought about it, but they've somehow managed to never fall short. You'll realize on the way, that nothing will be less than you expect, it's usually the opposite, that she will marvel you with something you couldn't even imagine"

I don't know why, but when Alice was back in my arms, a tear silently made its way down my cheek. Carolyn smiled, and I smiled back.

"I'm afraid I'll let her down at some point," I said.

"Of course you will. But she'll always forgive you. You forgave your mother, right?"

I nodded.

She was right. That was something between me and my mother, and my daughter should be left out of the argument. _My daughter. _

Alice fussed in my arms, stretching her arms above her head and her legs straight, a big yawn materializing on her face. I chuckled.

"Derek used to wake up like that throughout his elementary school years. Every single day," she laughed.

"I wasn't easy to wake up either, believe me," I grinned, somehow liking how much my mother hated to wake me up every morning.

"The ultrasound Derek mailed last month, the thumb-sucking, it's from you, right?"

"Yeah, that's from me, but Alice hasn't showed it off again yet"

"You seized the moment, uh?" she smiled brightly and I could only imagine how proud she was of her already.

"Pretty much luck, I think."

"You should use it in birth announcements or holiday cards," she said.

"It would be a great year to start sending them, yeah..."

"You've never sent holiday cards?" I shook my head and she seemed puzzled

"My family wasn't very fond of Christmas," I explained, "A couple of times my mother didn't even take the day off. I was in college and she was far away, I didn't mind. After I came back to Seattle and began my internship, Christmas got better." She hadn't taken the day off since I was eight and I realized Santa Claus didn't existed, but I didn't wanted to scare Carolyn too much.

"Christmas is about people, you're right..."

"George would have loved this Christmas."

I thought I'd only said it in my head, but I must have babbled it out loud, because she immediately asked "Who's George?"

"He began his internship with me. He died two years ago jumping in front of a bus to save a woman's life. He was the kindest friend and a cheerful roommate, despite Izzie's craziness around December to decorate my whole house."

"I think I heard those names from you last Christmas."

"They might have slipped into some kind of conversation, yeah. The day George died we decided to sign the post-it. Well, about that, I'm sorry about the wedding."

"I know you didn't celebrate much, it's ok for me if it is for you. Derek told me you're not the puffy-dress kind of girl and I didn't question him further."

"Still, I should have invited you when we actually signed the real papers."

"Whatever. Who you are is what matters, not some sheet of paper."

I couldn't help but smile then, as I looked at Alice. She had completely opened her eyes, resting a little heavier in my arms and leaning closer to my chest. I know my ranting was keeping her calm. "Hi there," I whispered to her, rubbing her nose. She looked deeply into my eyes, melting away all of my further approaches of conversation for that moment.

"How's Makena doing?" I finally managed to tear my eyes off Alice

"She's due in early January, she was so excited when I told her that I was coming to Seattle to see your baby. She told me to remind you how blessed that baby is, and I have to agree with her statement." I blushed

"Is she really ok?"

"Yeah. I'll call you when she has her baby. It's a girl too."

I smiled widely, looking at the little girl in my arms staring back at me.

When Derek came back, the Chief was with him and I was still sitting quietly with his mother at my bedside. Alice was silently communicating with me in my arms, opening her mouth rhythmically and squinting her eyes. The uncertain shade of them, made her looks so interesting and captivating. I couldn't look away from her, she was just so beautiful. _Our little girl._

"So, you came to meet Alice Greta, right?" I asked the Chief, smiling widely. It was so easy to say already, so perfect.

"Sounds like..."

"My mother, yeah." His face darkened only at the thought of Ellis Grey. "You wanna hold her?" I diverted his attention.

"Actually, I'd love to but I have to scrub in for a spleen repair."

"Some other time then," I said, before he walked out. Then he stood at the door, lingering.

"Your mother would be proud," he added, before leaving me there with my thoughts and our brand new baby girl.

**AN: I didn't ****write**** about Cristina and the others because I wanted this bonding moment ****with ****mother-daughter-mother. Honestly, I loved Carolyn in the single episode she was in, so I can't help having her around.**

**I hope**** you liked it, I'll update sometime soon and I'm still sorry for the long wait..****. Bye!**


	20. Like A Daisy In My Lazy Eyes

**Rest My Chemistry, by Interpol. I know it can be a song about anything, but I just liked the idea of a daisy in lazy eyes.**

**I know it's been forever since my last update, I'm so sorry. Life can be so busy sometimes...**

**The quote is the last stanza of 'Ode To Life', but it hasn't been written by Neruda as the most of us know. It's an amazing poem, if you don't know it I suggest you to Google it.**

**I'm not going to ramble anymore; I'll leave it to Meredith.

* * *

**

**Part 20 – Like a Daisy in My Lazy Eyes**

_Let's avoid death in soft quotes_

_remembering always that to be alive demands an effort much bigger_

_that the simple fact of breathing._

_Only a burning patience will lead us to reach a wonderful happiness_

_Martha Medeiros_

Opening my eyes, I could smell something yummy coming from the slightly open door. The bed next to me was empty, the sheets cold. I stood up and followed the scent, peeking in Alice's crib to check on her, but finding it empty. I sleepily walked downstairs. I stopped at the kitchen's doorframe, smiling at the most tender scene I've ever seen: Derek was cradling Alice in the wrap Makena had given me, flipping a pancake. He had already set the table for breakfast and Alice was soundly sleeping. _God, I love that man_.

"Hey," I whispered.

"Good morning. I made you breakfast." He turned and flashed me one of his McDreamy smiles.

"You didn't need to," I bit my lip.

"She woke up and you need sleep. I had to wake up anyway; my shift starts in a couple of hours." He kept smiling and put the pancake on my plate, topping it off with warm chocolate. My mouth watered at the sight of it. _Why was I still craving chocolate anyway?_ I sat at the table and he sat across me, smiling. He gently stroked Alice's cheek and she snuggled closer to his chest, not opening her eyes.

"You're wearing the wrap," I stated, smiling before chewing the first bite of the most amazing pancake I've ever tasted.

"It's amazing Meredith. Before you ask, I googled how to wear it." he smirked

"I see," I muffled my laugh.

"What?"

"I never thought would be so into the Daddy thing," I joked.

He laughed hard, then lowered his tone remembering Alice cradled against his chest. She didn't even flinch.

"She's so mellow this morning. Wasn't she hungry before?" I asked

"Nope, just wet," his adoring smile lingered on her, before he looked up and locked his eyes with mine. "God, she's gonna be beautiful just like you."

"With your hair," I teased. He chuckled.

Alice stiffened in his arms as I stood up and placed my empty –and very clean- dish in the sink after a second pancake. Derek un-wrapped her before she started to whimper, gently leaning her on his shoulder and tracing soothing circles on her back. He stood up and bounced a little as she began crying. Then he gave her to me, figuring that she was definitely hungry.

He kissed my lips quickly, and sat across from me again when Alice started nursing noisily. A beam crept onto Derek's face.

"She's gonna have you wrapped around her little finger, Derek," I smirked, knowing that I was practically in the same position as he was.

"I know," he sighed with a defeated smile.

"You're gonna spoil her more than your Mom is."

"She's the best at spoiling. All those grandkids taught her well." I giggled

"I'm sorry she left, I was getting used to her," I said.

Carolyn stayed with us longer than Derek's sisters, helping us out for the first few days with adjusting to things, sharing precious tips with me, and making the whole idea of motherhood a little less scary.

"I'm gonna miss her too."

"Why did she drive here anyway?" I asked

"The airport was crowded and there were lots of delays because of the snowstorm in Boston. That's why my sisters got here a couple of days later than her. She could only find a flight to Portland and she took it."

"It's quite a long drive, she could have waited."

"She couldn't. It's my Mom we're talking about..." he replied, matter-of-factly

"I'm not gonna let her drive here for the next one. She'll wait..."

"The next one? You mean the next baby?" His eyes widened. I grinned, knowing very well that I'd caught him unprepared.

"Yeah. Alice's gonna have a sibling at some point."

"Oh," his eyes were shimmering.

"I don't want her to be alone when she's older. Besides, I love having Lexie around, and you have all of your sisters..."

He stood up and kissed my lips softly, smiling widely.

"I love you," he muttered, before Alice smacked lightly at his chest with her foot to get him off of me. I laughed hard.

"I don't want to think about what she'll do when she's five or six." I grinned

"I was just..." he frowned, defensively.

"Kissing her breakfast machine?"

"She's bossy already. I'm owned for life," he laughed

"I think you are."

He kissed me again, this time from behind, so Alice was oblivious. Tiny loving kisses from my mouth to my ear, then a final one at the top of my head. Alice kept on nursing gently, placing her warm fist on my chest, her eyes closed. His chin was lying on my shoulder and he started rubbing my circles on my back, soothing my achy nerves and loosening the knots as I leaned into the touch of his magical hands.

"Derek..." I moaned. I could feel him grin behind my back.

"You're gonna be ok alone for a whole day, right?"

It was his first day back at work for a long shift and he was somewhat pensive about leaving us alone.

"About that..." I began, but he cut me off immediately

"You want me to come home for lunch? I can do that..." he interrupted, rambling on without even breathing.

"I need to cut," I blurted out before he could mix up his whole schedule. And I felt selfish for saying it, more than anything, but I was missing the hospital so much and it wouldn't be for more than a few hours...

"Mer..." he looked at me quizzically.

"I know. It's pathetic and Alice needs to eat. Could you please ask Bailey for an appy? Or maybe just standing in the OR for a couple of hours..."

"Today?"

I flashed my smile and he placed soft kisses on my neck.

"Please Derek." I knew he couldn't resist me asking nicely

"Who's gonna stay with Alice?"

"Cristina or Lexie will. If they can't make it here we can take her to my mother's and I'll pick her up later."

Someone was going to be home, since Lexie had moved in permanently back at my old house with Alex and Avery.

"Look, I have a couple of spare hours between two surgeries this morning, you can come with me and I'll stay with her while you get your surgery fix," he grinned.

"Seriously?" I beamed.

"I need to ask Bailey first, if a spot is available and, you know..."

"Man, I'm so in love with you right now."

I turned to him and I wrapped my arm around his neck, preparing for a passionate kiss, when Alice whimpered, bothered that her breakfast was moving away. He was the one who stood up, turned me around and kissed me full on the lips, a hint of a smile curving the corners of his mouth. Then he walked to the living room, flipping open his phone and making a call I supposed was directed to Miranda Bailey. Alice finished her breakfast and tilted her head up to me, as she opened her bluish eyes and gazed towards me.

"I love your Daddy. He's amazing," I whispered before she let out a huge yawn and laid her head on my shoulder where I placed her. When Derek came back in the room, he had a wide grin on his face.

"You can cut, but get dressed properly first," he chuckled, before climbing up to our bedroom to change.

We arrived at the hospital too early for my appy but just in time for his first surgery. As I sat in the lounge and took my time changing, every doctor that came through the door stopped by to look at Alice in her car seat. She didn't seem bothered by spotlight being on her. She just looked around, trying to understand why weren't we home and why all these people were looking at her.

"Here's the McMommy!" I heard Alex. He sat next to me on the couch. "What is my favorite little lady doing here?" he cooed to Alice. I giggled as she stared at him quizzically.

"Mommy needs to cut," I smirked.

"So she dragged you here, uh?" he chuckled.

"I'm not abandoning her here or something, Derek is going to take her and she will be changed and well fed. She's gonna love it."

"I'm sure she will. Keep on rocking Grey, she'll thank you when she's fifteen!" he stood up and grabbed an apple from his cubby. "Say hello to Shepherd and ask him to fill me in for his next cool surgery!"

"I will. It was good to see you Alex, stop by sometime, I always have frozen pizza and leftovers!"

"I'm thrilled."

As he walked out, Cristina came in and widened her eyes at the sight. Alice immediately reclaimed her mid-morning meal with whimpers and Cristina snorted.

"I thought this baby liked me!"

"She loves you, she just loves eating more. Can you grab my scrub top, please?"

Alice latched at my breast and Cristina stared at me for a moment, frowning. I smiled.

"What?"

"You're a weird woman Meredith Grey."

"I can take it."

"Just look at you: you're finally bright and shiny," she pointed at the nursing baby in my arms.

"I think I am. I'm cutting today!" I could feel my own excitement in the sentence.

"You're back to work?" she replied a little too excitedly.

"No, I asked Derek to find me an appy because I need to cut. I have three more weeks of leave." I smiled, really looking forward to those weeks

"You can't tell me you were dying of boredom."

"When she's asleep I really don't have anything to do. I caught up all the sleep I lost throughout all these years," I admitted

"She sleeps?"

"Like an angel. I just need to feed her at midnight and she goes straight to five, sometimes six in the morning already."

"I think I'll adopt her, if Owen wants kids," I laughed hard and Alice grunted, annoyed a little "Whoa, she's bossy just like you! I would never like to be in Derek's shoes." I smiled

"She smacks him already, he's owned." I giggled "Speaking of the devil..."

Derek's figure in a dark-blue scrubs appeared at the door and he smiled at us. I have to admit I missed how sexy he looks in scrubs.

"The devil has just clipped an aneurysm pretty successfully, thank you." He leaned closer and kissed my lips, hovering over Alice who kicked him away.

"You're really are owned Shepherd," said Cristina. He smiled, sitting by my side, opposite to her.

"Good news or bad news?" asked Derek with a smirk.

"Cut it off Shepherd," answered Cristina annoyed, as he kissed me again.

"Okay. Good news: my afternoon surgery was cancelled. Bad news: you need to have lunch with me."

"If you do well babysitting it might pay off." I grinned

"You think?"

"If you're not too tired, you look exhausted..."

"Alright then. You two are kind of sticky-disgusting, you know that?" Cristina interrupted our flirtatious banter and we both laughed. Alice's grip softened and I realized she was asleep already.

"Sticky-disgusting, uh? Is that even a word?" I teased her, cautiously standing up and giving Alice to Derek. He welcomed her with an adoring grin on his face. I gave him her bag and I finished changing into some scrubs.

"What the heck is that?" asked Cristina, pointing to a robe that Derek took out of the bag.

"It's just a wrap, we're not going to change her diaper," he answered chuckling. I took Alice from his arms and he wrapped the robe around his torso, then I gave her back to him and he laid her gently in the warm robe.

"Shepherd, did you just wrap her onto your chest?" He smirked at Cristina's disbelief. "I can't believe it! Good luck with your appy Mer!" she said, hurrying out.

"We scared her to death," I laughed, walking closer to him, filling the void between us with a kiss.

"I think we have. Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

He kissed me once more, and I went to scrub in.

When I walked out of the OR, I had a huge grin on my face.

"You look good Grey, how's Alice?" Bailey started a conversation in the scrub room.

"She's fine. She's growing," I answered proudly. _She's perfect_. "I'm coming back in three weeks."

"What was today, then?"

"OR longing, I was dying of boredom."

"Believe me, I know," she chuckled. "Take care, Meredith"

"You too, Dr. Bailey and give a hug to Tuck."

She walked out smiling and I followed her steps to Derek's office, where I was sure I could find my two favorite people. I frowned at the two beaming nurses pointing at the blinds, and staring at me with envious glances. As I opened the door, I realized why: Derek was sleeping on the couch, and Alice was draped over his chest asleep as well. He was laying quite uncomfortably, the baby wrap still around his shoulders. Alice's tiny body was propped up on his left shoulder while his hand held her in place. Her small back was leaning into the cushion, and her cheek was right under Derek's chin. Their bodies were breathing in unison and small, hormonal tears pinched my eyes. I went closer and smoothed Alice's raven-black, fuzzy hair, but she didn't move an inch, so I tried to wake up Derek by kissing his forehead. He was startled for a moment, his senses alert to keeping Alice safe, then he realized that it was just me.

"Hey," he babbled. His voice was still sleepy. "How was your surgery?"

"Not as good as the sight I saw coming in here." I smiled widely, "But the patient is fine and I've already updated the family. Are you ready for lunch?"

"Maybe, maybe not," he said, spooning me in his arms. I leaned my head on the opposite side of Alice, tracing lines down her spine with my finger. Derek's peculiar smell somehow mixed with Alice's innocent newborn one and I closed my eyes to fully enjoy everything. As I opened them, I found the two most beautiful eyes staring back at me with unspeakable happiness. _Alice's awake_. I smiled and her eyes filled with more joy, her tiny hand held out to me.

"We can skip lunch, after all," I whispered, wanting nothing but to stay curled up like that the rest of the day.

* * *

**AN: I ****needed some fluff so ****t****here you have it. It's a fil****ler I know, but I had those**** three scenes pictured in my head and I needed to write them down.**

**Keep reading even after this, okay?**


	21. Heaven Restores You In Life

**Another chapter introduced with an Inte****rpol song. I might use all of the lyrics from Evil if I keep using them**** in every chapter ;)**

**Anyway, this is mostly about Derek, still lots of fluff. I ****think it'****s gonna be flu****ff till the ****end;**** they've ****been through enough drama already.**

**I hope you**** like it!

* * *

**

**Part 21 – Heaven Restores You in Life**

_You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one._

_Each day is a different one; each day brings a miracle of its own._

_It's just a matter of paying attention to this miracle._

_Paulo Coelho

* * *

_

_Home. Home. Home. You're going home._

It'd been a bad day; a long, bad day. The air on the deck of the ferry was chilly and the wind ruffled my hair, penetrating the pores of my skin.

_Home_.

It was great to be back on a ferryboat after the longest shift I can ever remember.

_Ferryboat;__ home_.

Meredith trusted me when it came to building a house: she picked furniture, wall colors, blinds and curtains, and accessories, but she left the planning entirely up to me. She didn't complain about an unneeded back porch or a weird corridor between the shed and the actual entrance; she loved how the kitchen was lit, even if she couldn't cook. She stared endlessly out our living room wall-wide window, at Seattle shining green and clear on a perfect sunny day. She teased me about the three empty rooms left upstairs - one of them wasn't really empty anymore -, freely joking about kids without flinching or welling up in tears. She never judged my decisions. She just asked me to help her decorate Alice's room, because she said it was something she shouldn't take care of alone.

_Home, to Meredith and Alice. Home_.

A swirl of wind hit my face, distracting me from staring at the deep, blue water. It looked a lot like Alice's eyes, even if they were getting greener every day. I couldn't get enough of her after three weeks, despite every night's nursing session and all of the new things I didn't know how to approach. She was astonishing.

_Home, Meredith_.

She was so perfect with Alice. I know how much effort she was putting into being a great mother, and she was excellent. _'Everything to make Alice grow extraordinarily__,__'_ she told me, _'n__ot like me'._

The way she rubbed Alice's back after feeding her and how she talked to her as she dozed off in her arms were perfect, almost unbelievable. It was painful to wake up every morning and leave them in Alice's room, pressed together in an armchair, staring at each other and filling every desire they both had: milk for Alice, wholehearted love for Meredith. I'd missed them all day, peeking at their picture in my wallet more often than usual. The shore was closer.

_Home_.

More blows of wintry wind hit my face, and chills ran down my back.

Imperceptible raindrops began to drift down my windshield, as I hopped in my car to drive uphill. Opening the window, the air was filled with that pleasant post-Christmas air, full of grassy smells and baked goods. _Almost there_. I could see the thick trees surrounding my home as they grew wider. Then the already familiar white porch welcomed me. There weren't any flowers yet, but Meredith had promised to plant some as soon as spring arrived. The gravel scratched under my tires and I stopped my car. The rain was heavy by then. I picked my bag up off of the backseat, a smile painting my face when I saw Alice's car seat there.

The key opened the door gently. _Home, finally_. Everything was silent, even though was only late afternoon. I had left the morning before, and everything seemed just like it had the day before.

"Derek?"

She was in the kitchen. I could tell by the already familiar distance of her voice. If it was even farther, she would have been lying on the couch, admiring Seattle. She was walking towards me, because the voice seemed closer "Are you soaked?"

I passed a hand through my hair: I was soaked. She knew even before looking at me. A smile spontaneously lit my face.

"Yeah, I'm taking off my boots and jacket, wait..." But she didn't. Instead she showed up at the kitchen's doorframe, holding Alice in her Kenyan wrap and smiling widely at me and my wetness.

"Do you need me to get you dry clothes?"

"It's not that bad as it seems, my sweater isn't as damp as my jacket."

"How was it at the hospital?"

"Too many car accidents because of the ice and too many people brain dead. It was Christmas last week Meredith..." I sighed

"I know," she inched towards me, softly placing her free hand on my chest before kissing me tenderly, wiping away all of my worries. I kissed Alice's hair then, and she cooed happily, strangely wide awake.

"We had a nice Christmas," she added and I smiled at the memory.

We remained home, it was one of the first days we'd had Alice home and we enjoyed our quiet house in the woods as a family, exchanging small gift between the two of us and watching the rain falling quietly from the sky. The biggest gift had been lying in our arms the whole day.

"What about you and Alice?" I asked the grin still on my face.

"So far so good," she smiled, tracing circles on Alice's back.

"What did I miss?" I asked, my voice almost fading, worried, incapable of remaining firm and tough like I had the past few hours while I was busy doctoring.

"Long feedings, a breathtaking sunrise, and I'm pretty sure I saw a deer walking through our grass early this morning," she smirked, happiness twinkling in her eyes.

"There were deer when I lived in the trailer."

"It was beautiful, so powerful, but still gracious. I'm glad Alice will grow surrounded by deer," she smiled

"Or bears," I joked.

"There are bears as well?" her eyes widened

"Maybe," I smirked and she giggled. "How have you been?"

"Not as busy as I expected. I did leftover laundry, rearranged my old medical books, watched the Grey Method in my mother's tapes while Alice was napping in my arms, and I decided to cook you dinner," she listed

"You're cooking dinner?" I couldn't hide the surprise in my voice.

"I'm trying pasta. You bought the sauce..." I chuckled loudly, as I stripped out of my sweater to walk upstairs.

"You shouldn't be standing in the hallway half naked, Derek. There's a baby in my arms. I told you I could get you some dry clothes," she teased

"Just, set the table, I'll be right down."

She shook her head, still grinning and let me go upstairs to grab a dry pair of sweatpants and my clean, long-sleeved college t-shirt. My exhaustion suddenly disappeared, at the promise of her self-made dinner. I hurried downstairs, grabbing Alice in my arms as soon as I was closer to Meredith.

"Hey Peanut," I mumbled softly, stamping a kiss on her chubby cheek. She wasn't very fond of my scratchy cheeks, but she managed to clinch a tight hold on my forefinger as I held her in my arms.

"She was kinda looking around for you today, you know?"

"She was?" My heart melted at Meredith's words. Alice had been looking for me and I was working.

"She was curious to know where you'd gone to, so I explained it to her."

I lightly touched Alice's cheek. Then I turned to kiss Meredith's too.

"I missed both of you today." Our faces remained merely a few inches apart. Her eyes stared right into my soul.

"How many, Derek?" she asked, after a cautious look.

She knew from a single look that I'd lost too many patients that day. Too many lives cut right after Christmas. She could understand me with a glance, especially after she had Alice. I tried to smile, but it faded as I focused back on her question.

"Four."

"I'm so sorry," her soft fingers shifted from my back to my waist in a soothing gesture.

"It's just...so unfair, right?" She nodded, turning the pasta. "Everybody should be happy after Christmas…One of them had three kids..."

She leaned towards me, lingering to see if I wanted to be touched, so I inched forward and let her rest her shoulder against mine, her chin placed on top of it. Alice curled up in my arms, un-wrapping her hand from my finger and kicking my forearm with her incredibly small feet. Not that small, considering she was barely three weeks old, but still...

I kissed Meredith's temple. Then I went back staring at Alice. _Who would look after those kids?_ I'd managed that kind of childhood, but it was unbearable to think of now, with Alice in my arms.

I was wondering what Meredith was thinking, her thoughts hidden under a perfectly calm face, content to just lean against me.

"They'll be fine," she comforted me and I nodded, helplessly. Then silence wavered between us again, just Alice's quiet noises filling it. "It's time to go to bed, Peanut," she added, after glancing at the clock over the fridge and tickling Alice's tummy.

"Can you keep an eye on the pasta?" she asked.

"I'll take her," I immediately replied, needing to be with her a little while more.

"I don't mind. I have to feed her anyway..."

"Stay," my voice sounded so pleading, from longing their presence since the second I had shut the door. "Feed her here. It's the kitchen isn't it?" I smirked "If it's not too uncomfortable for you..." I added.

"It's fine," she smiled. "She'll nod off before you can drain the pasta."

"Dinner can wait," I smiled.

I put Alice in her arms and she fussed a little. Then she settled on Meredith's chest and started nursing gently, not craving food like she had the first few times I'd seen her eat. It was like both of them had reached a silent consensus; an agreement to be perfect that night.

Alice's fists were tightly holding Meredith's breast and her eyes were already closed. Meredith had a soothing smile on her face and was rocking Alice quietly back and forth creating a regular, calming rhythm to her meal. A lock of her hair was falling loosely from her ponytail brushing her exposed chest. Her eyes, locked on Alice, tilted up and met mine searching for something I wasn't able to understand. Those looks spoke a thousand words; _the__ only way to g__et to her when she didn't want__ to open __up __to me_.

Alice was breathing quietly, reminding us she was there. _Family_. It had been a weird word to think just a couple of years ago.

"Derek," she whispered in a firm, patient, but curious voice.

"Meredith," I called back. Her name was the only thing that fit pieces together after such a bad day.

"Can you believe it?" she asked, slowly tracing Alice's entire body with her fingers.

"Alice?" I asked, still unable to pinpoint where her mind was.

"Everything, we're sitting in our kitchen without roommates, with our daughter, with our Christmas tree, and we're making dinner. It's..." she finished with a beaming smile.

"Perfect?"

"Weird. I mean, yeah, perfect, but think about us..."

"What's wrong with us?" Her tone wasn't arguing. It was something I couldn't properly understand. She was adorable when she began thinking.

"We met in a bar and now we have a daughter: a beautiful, already asleep daughter. I would say that's incredible," she giggled.

"What do you mean?" I knew exactly what she meant '_Nobody screws__ a person they meet in a__ bar and ends up writing post-it weddings and having kids__.'_ But it was really nice when she talked to me like that.

"We've been through a lot, but still, Alice's here and we are here with her as well. Despite every other wife, and mothers, and rings in the woods...and even bullets Derek. Crazy shooters, and somehow we're here, putting our daughter to sleep before eating our dinner." I nodded, unable to say anything to her, because she had gotten the point better than I had.

"And we spent the best Christmas I have ever had together." she added with a grin.

"Yeah," I smiled, feeling her face turn into a smile, easing the sudden stiffness of our movements "Do you think you might start liking Christmases, then?"

"Maybe, but it's a long time until the next one," she smirked, patting Alice's back as she finished her dinner. "I'm sorry your mother had to fly back so soon, I liked her here. She should come more often, you know, to see Alice..."

"She'd love to," I said, because I knew she loved Meredith a little bit more every time they met and my heart melted when I saw them together.

"You have a great family back East," she smiled.

"That's because you haven't met all of them together," I laughed, thinking about Nancy especially, and how she couldn't like Meredith at all after seeing her come by the trailer. "I like our family's quiet," I added, saying that word to her for the first time. She smiled, surprising me.

"Oh, wait until she starts talking..." she grinned, drawing circles on Alice's back. She was asleep on her shoulder. Silence confirmed her peaceful sleep. The pasta was almost ready. Meredith told me she would nod off before dinner. I smiled.

"I'll drain the pasta. Then I'll hold her during dinner."

She stood up. Before I could react and stop her "There," she smiled, placing Alice in my arms and grabbing the dipper from my hand. "I'll drain the pasta." She kissed me, before turning to the stove.

Alice shifted quietly in my arms, to settle more comfortably. She was such a silent, calm kid from day one. She never cried too loudly or too often, only when she needed some milk or a clean diaper. It was almost as if she knew we weren't really prepared to handle kids, even if we wished with all our souls for one. And then she arrived, after a long time of grieving and recovery, after being too far apart and too sad to even talk to each other for a while, one morning she had showed up. One morning when I had actually had a long, bad day just like I had that day.

And then it clicked that it would always be like that: I'll come home and hold her and Meredith in my arms and everything will fall back into place. At some point Alice would run to me and throw her arms round my neck. _A whole bright future was sleeping in my arms._

I lightly traced every line on her already familiar face, wondering what it would be like to hold her in my arms like this in a couple of months or a couple of years.

"Der," Meredith's voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I looked up and she was smiling, showing off two steaming dishes of spaghetti. I smiled back, sitting on the chair across from her, trying not to shift Alice too much and wake her. She inched closer to the corner of the table, sitting almost beside me.

"You are beautiful," she said with a beaming smirk, before chewing the first mouthful of pasta. I grinned, pleased, before she talked again, "I mean, you are sexy, charming, and handsome and so mind-blowing sometimes I can't even breathe, but now, holding her like this, you two together, are just beautiful," she admitted, so true to herself that it made her blush slightly.

"I missed you. I never thought it could be so nerving to be at the hospital for so long. I've had longer shift before, but this..." I confessed as easily as she spoke to me, her hand was suddenly touching my arm.

"I missed you too and I already told you Alice felt the same. She's pretty smart, I never thought she would realize you were gone longer than usual at just three weeks-old. I should have read those books more carefully..." she giggled, easing the mood.

"They don't use 10/10 APGAR kids for those books," I grinned back proudly.

"Luckily, or every mother would freak out," she smiled.

"Are you, freaking out I mean?" my tone more serious.

"Not as much as I thought, yet. You?" she grinned.

"Maybe. Sometimes. I'm not near an emotional meltdown if that's what you want to know, I'm just feeling everything deeper, you know, like I peeled off a layer and it's suddenly colder. But I like the chills."

"I'll have one sometime soon, I'll tell you. I'm too bright and shiny lately, something will crack. Don't worry too much if you find me crying without a real reason either, those are my wild mommy's hormones as Cristina likes to call them," she smirked, waiving her hand to dismiss the thought.

"Mommy," I repeated, louder than I meant to.

"What?"

"Nothing. It just sounds nice."

"Oh. Thank you, Daddy!" she giggled. It still felt weird to intertwine those two names.

I put down my fork to grab a hold of Meredith's wrist, placing my palm on the back of her hand, while she stroked my own with her thumb. Our eyes locked intensely, no more words needed to be added. Then she glanced back down at her almost empty bowl and I let her go, her hand still lingering around my arm. Alice stiffened and turned in my hold, a tiny smile forming on her lips.

"What do you think she's dreaming about?" I asked Meredith, lightly touching Alice's cheek

"Something beautiful, dreams are always beautiful when you're little."

"Yes, most of the time; I can clearly remember waking up one night and pleading for my Dad to kick away the monsters in the closet down the hall." She smiled hesitantly, waiting for some more glimpses into my past. "He walked to the closet, switched on the light and then came into my room to tuck me back in, saying something soothing and nice that I can't remember." I waited for a second, trying to remember his words, but I couldn't even hear his voice anymore. I didn't remember it. "I can't remember my father's voice," I spit out, a lump suddenly blocking my throat.

Meredith brushed her hand along my arm. Her figure blurred. I was about to cry, because I'd had a long day, I missed my family, and I couldn't remember my Dad's voice anymore. She shifted her chair next to mine, wrapping her arms around me, and placing her head on my shoulder. On the opposite side Alice was sleeping peacefully.

"It's okay," she tried to soothe me. _She was so good at that._ "You were just a kid when everything happened, Derek." The softness in her voice when she pronounced my name set free the first tear. "My father wasn't dead, but I didn't have any memories of him either, before meeting him again. No clue about anything and I was still convinced that someday he could come back. Until one day in middle school when I stopped believing. You have good memories Derek, hold on to that...Maybe you'll remember something tomorrow or another day. I've found myself remembering childhood stuff that I never even remembered happened since Alice showed up. You know your father's voice, Derek." She said my name with so much trust, stressing every single letter, pushing confidence through my uncertainty. Then she kissed away the single tear from my cheek, looking into my blurred gaze. She stared me down with the depth in her green-gray eyes. Gray for worry, green for happiness; that's what I've learned from years of stares, almost as if I'd always been waiting for those eyes to stare deeply into mine.

I sighed. Then I kissed her, our lips brushing lightly, reminded of Alice still cradled in my arms. The more I stared, the better I felt and then I knew I wouldn't need anything more in my life to feel complete, because I had Meredith and I had Alice and at that point, nothing mattered more than them.

* * *

**AN: Sad, ****longing Derek was nice to write.**** I hope you liked reading it as well. Not so much action here, I know, they're just there, being with each other, which I found extremely nice, or I wouldn't have written something like this.**

**Loved it? Hated it?**

**I'm gonna be pretty busy and there are stil****l some loose ends before I can**** call this story finished, so I might need a little bit more time to upload. I hope you'll ****wait;**** I'll do my best to be quick.**

**Thanks for being there and reading****, I really appreciate the**** 25,000 views and I ****would really love to hear your opinions on this stor****y so far.**** I've noticed a lack of reviews lately. Not that I'm complaining, I really love the ones you**** guys gave me.**** I ****think that feedback is always helpful if I'm d****oing ****something ****wrong or ****if ****I miss something**** that you really wanted to read. L****ike here****,**** I'm never going to write their first Christmas together, as you noticed.**

**Anyway, thanks for being there,****supporting this story.**


	22. Saturday Night Fever

**Okay, this chapter is set six months after the previous one. I just needed to go on a little bit from there, this time is from Meredith's PoV.**

**I hope it will be nice enough because I just edited it quickly and I usually ponder a little bit more on every chapter, anyway, I hope you'll like it. If not, just say it.**

**No need to explain the title this time, uh?

* * *

**

**Part 22 – Saturday Night Fever**

_Your children are not your children._

_They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself._

_They came through you but not from you_

_and though they are with you yet they belong not to you._

_Kahlil Gibran_

Being back to work now was an habit. Leaving Alice for the first time to the hospital daycare was hard and heartbreaking, more for me than for her, because she didn't flinched or cried, she just pouted as she left my arms, still dazzled by the fact that I was wearing my scrub and she was still trying to get an hold to the fabric and discover how it tasted like. I took three more weeks off than my maternity leave, beginning to work on and off when Alice was almost three months old. More than I've ever thought. Now I was trailing back, but I had an happy daughter.

Derek was happy to know that Alice was still with me most of the time and not in some sort of daycare all day, until I couldn't bear our beautiful house in the woods anymore and I had to get back full time, so I decided to go ahead and leave her to daycare. One month had gone by and I had never been paged for her, I've always been the one to ride upstairs and cuddle her in my arms between one surgery and the other. It was good, balanced. Breastfeeding wasn't necessary anymore and we were trying solids, but I still went there anyway, somehow missing a little her small presence in my arms. If it wouldn't have been for the surgery high I might as well dumped everything and stayed home with her all the time. She was such a fascinating little girl.

She was strangely grumpy this morning, but she didn't put up crying tantrums, just frowned at her breakfast and latched avidly to my breast instead. I ran my hands through her dark, curly locks, trying to soothe her, rubbing her back in circles while she was still whimpering, upset by the teething. She was getting bigger everyday more. Her creamy skin apparently clashed with her black, all Derek's wild curls and the perfect copy of my green eyes. Hers were bluer, or grayer, it depended on the weather, rosy full lips and chubby cheeks completed her perfection. Almost too beautiful to be real.

She giggled at me as she lifted up from my breast, finally back to her happy self. I ruffled her hair, then I kissed her forehead her nice smell of lavender, woods and baby powder immediately filling my nostrils at our closeness. She grabbed my face as much as she could with her tiny, chubby hands, holding tight. It was going to be tough to let her go to daycare.

"Let's go Peanut" I smiled, but she pouted instead. I balanced her on my hip, then she started crying again, while I closed the door behind my back quickly as it was already late. I buckled her in the car seat and she was still crying desperately, every passing moment just screaming at me to stop and keep her close to my chest a little while longer. Except I was already late.

"I know it's early and I know I'm on call, but Daddy is so happy to stay with you tonight" as she head Daddy, sobs slowed down.

The adoration for each other grew bigger every day. The way they laughed together or how they snuggled on the couch before bath made me almost jealous sometimes, at least until Derek invited me to join their games. He had been perfect. Every single day. Not a fight in the six months since her birth, yet.

Tears started sliding down Alice's cheek again, then she closed her eyes and she fell back to sleep, lulled by the car as soon as I placed her favorite stuffed frog next to her, her thumb firmly in her mouth.

I balanced my bag and her weight perfectly through the parking lot when we arrived at the hospital, but she woke up as we walked in. Her eyes were still full of tears and sleepy, but she was quiet now, her head leaning on my shoulder limply. I unwillingly left her into Samantha Turner's arms, her beloved daycare teacher, before rushing to the locker room.

"Hey Mer!" Cristina was already in scrubs.

"Late, I'm late. So late!" I groaned grabbing my scrubs and trying to dress up as fast as I could

"You have ten minutes, you're plenty on time"

"Yeah? I lost track of time" I sighed. _Grumpy Alice didn't make a good start of the day, ever_.

"Take a breath. Are you okay?" frowned Cristina, scrutinizing my figure that was hopping in the resident's lounge to get into those damn scrub pants.

"Yeah. Alice was a little grumpy this morning and it breaks my heart lo leave her there all alone, you know." I was finally dressed, picking up the stethoscope and the pager and hanging them in their places

"The Mommy's creeping in again, do I have to be scared?" she teased, putting a pen into the pocket in her coat.

"Have you had coffee already?" I asked, a sliver of hope still there

"Yeah" she frowned

"Crap. I thought I could drink some of yours" I sighed, _no coffee for Mommy!_

"You hadn't coffee Mer?" her eyes widened

"Nope. As I stop I'm gonna switch off, believe me. And it's only seven!" I just wanted to sit down and sleep, already.

"Stalk Shepherd. I've seen him wandering with a cup before rounds. I think he just came in."

"Yeah, he left earlier. I told you, Alice was being difficult..." I trailed off, feeling the last bit of hope for coffee slipping away from my grasp. That was going to be a long day.

"She has the right to. I'd be difficult too if you wake me up at six without even coffee" Cristina joked

"She's still much more keen on milk" I giggled

"Weren't you trying solids?"

"Trying. Not going from boob to hamburger. Where the hell did you studied medicine?" I mocked

"I didn't gave a crap about those babies stuff, I'm sorry." she scowled

We laughed together to rounds, then Cristina got caught in the ER and I had to scrub in with Bailey for a bowel resection. It was far more complicated than expected and I scrubbed out at lunch, still without any caffeine in my system.

In the cafeteria, when the cart was just a few feet away and the mirage of coffee almost reality, my pager rang: the daycare.

That was bad. They never paged. I left my tray on a table, grabbing the sandwich and chewing it on my way. As I arrived there, Alice was all tucked in Mrs. Turner's arms, her face flushed and a blanket scattered on her.

"What's wrong?" I asked frantically, finally taking a breath after running around the entire hospital to get there.

"Fever," she immediately recognized my panicked look, despite all my medical knowledge "It happens when they're teething" she added in comfort. She was a kind, middle-aged woman. Wonderful, actually, from the first moment we met. Alice loved her, and that was enough for me to love her as well.

"Hey Peanut" I scooped her in my arms and she moaned, trying to settle there the best she could. _She was burning, poor little girl, and I left her there for some messed up bowel_. "Let's get you home, all right?" Alice flushed into my chest, holding tightly to my neck.

"Keep the blanket, she'll be warmer" said Samantha, demonstrating once more how caring she was with her

"Thank you, I'll bring it back next time"

"Get well soon Alice" she said, stroking her teary cheek, before handing me her things, especially her precious stuffed green frog. I stood still out of the daycare door for a second, trying to figure out what to do next.

I had to tell Derek he didn't needed to pick her up because I was going home. I had to tell the Chief I needed the rest of the shift off. Yeah, Bailey too, because I couldn't perform the appendectomy that afternoon.

Alice growled in my arms, sniffing and leaning closer at every breath. Her heat was warming me up too, her body limply cradled in my arms. She looked so little and newborn again, quiet whimpers coming out before her tears.

"You'll be just fine, baby, I promise." I tried to reassure her, reassuring myself in the process as well.

I took the elevator and I met the Chief. _Pretty good luck_.

"Hey Meredith" he greeted.

"Chief, I need the day off. The daycare paged me and Alice's got fever. I can't keep her here, so I need to go home" I cut him off a little rudely. He carefully looked under the blanket in my arms, Alice's flushed face peeking out.

"No problem. Tell Bailey she needs to find someone to cover for you" he simply nodded. He had a soft spot for Alice, like everybody else in the building

"Thank you. I'll work a double shift when she'll feel better" _I lost so many hours to stay with her I was glad I still had a job in the first place_

"It's fine Meredith, just get her home"

The elevator stopped at the fourth floor and I waited for Derek at the nurses' station where I paged him. He tilted his head as he saw me, a doubtful look on his face.

"You paged me?" he frowned

"Alice has a fever" he looked at the bundle over my shoulder, recognizing her sick face. He stretched a sympathetic, comforting smile.

"Hey Peanut" he leaned closer, kissing her cheek. She hid into her shoulders, engraving into mine as well, moaning loudly, almost in tears, trying to avoid Derek.

"I'm going home. I have to find Bailey to tell her to take over for my appendectomy, then we'll go" I sighed, still not knowing how I was going to handle it

"I'll tell her, just get her home. Are you sure you're ok with it? I can go home as well," he began

"I'd like better you coming home earlier so it will be the two of us instead you the whole evening alone" then, I couldn't leave my sick daughter alone for some cool surgery.

"Just call me if you need anything, all right?"

I nodded, kissing quickly his lips. He brushed Alice's head and she curled again into herself and onto my chest, groaning.

"It's Daddy, Peanut. Say goodbye to Daddy, he will be back home soon tonight, you remember?" Her eyes lifted up from my shoulder to Derek's face and she managed to hold out her hand to him, weakly. He grabbed her under her armpits, careful not to tear away the blanket, then leaned her against his chest, kissing her forehead and rubbing her back soothingly.

"I'll go find Bailey as you are with her, okay?" he nodded, drawing Alice closer to him and she fell limply into his cradle.

I found Bailey not far from there, yelling to some incompetent intern. I explained and she just agreed, giving my appendectomy to Alex and my other surgery with her, far more interesting actually, to Cristina. Then, she wished well for Alice. It was the soft side of Miranda Bailey, the one she never showed and you'll never expect.

As I came back to Derek, Alice was sleeping in his arms, apparently soothed by his touch. _Maybe it was better if he went home. She just moaned and cried and groaned with me_.

"She's burning up, poor thing" he added, before giving her back to me. She shifted in my arms, but settled after a few moments, just a slight sigh of disappointment coming out of her lips.

"See you later Derek" I muttered, still not so convinced about my decision so far. He kissed me briefly, then managed a wide smile. He trusted me, apparently.

Alice slept the whole ride home, but she woke up as we came home, crying loudly. I was glad she didn't do that at the hospital. _Smart kid._

I sat on the couch, holding her tightly to my chest, as I took her temperature. I needed to give her something to get it down, but she was refusing to swallow anything except her own big tears; she tried to set herself free from the blanket a dozen of times, before shivering in my arms; she doze off a couple of times, but she woke up after a few minutes in tears again. And I felt helpless. Not a freaking clue on what to do next.

_A bath. Bailey told me something about a warm bath_.

She groaned all the way upstairs, whining as her cheeks were still flushed from the fever. I warmed the water in the bathtub, peeling off all her clothes until she had just her diaper on. I wrapped her in the towel until the water was warm enough, then I put Alice's naked and feverish body into the warm water, filled with bubbles and all her favorite toys. No results. She cried even louder instead, her whole body trembling.

As I leaned her back against my chest, her sobs quieted. _She wanted to be next to me. She needed me._

I took off my clothes too, climbing in the bathtub with her tightly clasped to my chest. Her breathing was calming down, her whole body immersed in that soothing bubble bath, her head resting comfortably first on my shoulder, then sliding down on my breast bone where I could feel her burning cheeks relaxing. At some point she fell asleep and I lost track of time, rubbing circles on her perfect back and running down her spine, counting the vertebrae.

I know it was late when I heard the door creeping open and I saw the sun preparing to set. _I might have fell asleep as well_. Derek was home.

"Mer?" he yelled from downstairs.

"Bathroom" I shouted back. Alice opened her eyes and I mentally cursed myself the moment after. I rubbed her back and she looked at me deeply for some more comfort. She looked a little bit better, despite she was still a little warm, her eyes still glassy. She ran her tiny, exploring hand on my chest and then, realizing where she was, she rolled over to latch to my breast. I sat a little higher, spooning her into my arms and still stroking her back. She began nursing comfortably, her hand still loosely wandering over my bare chest when I heard muffled steps outside the door.

"Hey" Derek greeted softly and Alice's attention drifted to him for a second, before turning back to her dinner. Derek walked closer and kissed the top of my head, then brushed Alice's damp hair. She didn't pushed him away as before, but she grunted: she never liked to be disturbed while eating.

"So, how's my Peanut?" he asked, trying to be all smiley and not even a little concerned.

"Better. I think the fever is getting down but I don't think the teething is going to stop anytime soon, though. We just sat here the whole afternoon"

"The water is still hot?" he smiled at the mere idea of the two of us hanging out in the bathtub. _I had to agree with Cristina that it was pretty comfortable once you get used to the thing._

"I refilled the tub, don't worry"

"Do you want me to take her?"

"She had been there all day, I don't mind her" I smiled, because it had been actually what I needed that day from early that morning, being close to her.

The previous freaking out was gone, washed away by that warm water.

Derek sat beside us on the bathroom floor, carefully watching Alice eating quietly, drawing in his mind every curve of my well-known body at the same time. I smiled to him, still rubbing Alice's back, until her lips weren't sucking anymore and she was back to sleep. As soon as Derek realized it too, he wrapped her to his chest in a towel, leaning his back against the cold bathtub. I kissed the top of her head, grabbing a towel as well.

I walked to my room to pick some clean underwear and sweatpants. I took a clean diaper for Alice and her onesie too, hurrying back in the bathroom. I helped him dressing her and she didn't move an inch. Maybe her usual long night sleep would take away the rest of the fever. The thermometer showed a much lower temperature than this afternoon.

"That's good Peanut" Derek whispered in her ear. I know he felt bad the whole day for being at the hospital and not with his sick daughter. I knew him.

"It's okay if you were at work" I said, before he could start any conversation

"I know" he replied, not meaning a single word.

"No, you don't" I smiled, watching him carefully dress Alice

"She needed you, I get it"

"Derek, you'll have the chance to stay with her when she's happy and healthy. It wasn't pleasant to witness." I sighed, knowing that this was inevitably going to happen again.

"I should have been there" he slightly pouted

"Next time. She'll get sick some other time, right? You can take her home" I snapped. _There was nothing charming in your sick daughter, or something to have fond memory of_.

"Are you mad at me?" he frowned, looking at me with something strange in his eyes, like he was the mad one. In that moment, if it wasn't for Alice, I would have hit him. Alice moved her arm to Derek's chest, clinging to his t-shirt, so I didn't answered, throwing my clothes in the basket for the next stack of laundry.

"Meredith" he kept looking, that something still there. And I was tired and I missed him and I had been on edge the whole afternoon.

"Do you think I enjoyed it? Being at home with a six-months-three-weeks-old child? Do you think it was fascinating and bonding and whatever crap you would say about it?" _Damn, I said crap_. We were arguing for the first time Alice was born. Both worn out and scared, we were hissing at each other in low voices, to keep Alice asleep. _Actually, I was hissing, but..._ "It wasn't good to hear her struggle for every breath and moan and groan at each move I made to shift her. It wasn't easy to see her unable to swallow anything to get the fever down because she was burning so much she couldn't even sit straight. She can sit very well, Derek!" I vent out, feeling somehow better. He was the only one there and he got the yelling.

He grabbed my hand and before I realized it, I was sitting cross-legged next to him. He had his free hand wrapped around my wrist and my look was blurred with tears. I gave up to his touch, leaning my head on his shoulder, just like Alice.

"I'm sorry" he mumbled, kissing my forehead tenderly, his lips barely touching my skin in his usual perfect way

"I'm sorry too." I admitted, but he said nothing. We waited silently for something to happen, sitting on the bathroom floor. I stroked Alice's skin and it was almost back to her regular temperature.

"I was scared" I splat out then, feeling the tears in my eyes

"Why?"

"I...Maybe..." I stammered "What if I wasn't able to soothe her? What if I couldn't be her mother when she needed me the most? What if I was slowly becoming like my mother?" I rambled

"All of that never happened"

"But what if it did happened?" I looked at him with desperation

"You're nothing like your mother, Meredith" There. Perfect words, perfect sentence, perfect man. _My man. My Derek. My McDreamy_.

I slightly smiled, tracing the length of his arms with my finger, touching Alice's feet and going up to her cheek. _Our_ daughter. Almost seven months of bliss. Our little family, scattered on the bathroom floor.

I smiled, leaning more into Derek, still carefully staring at Alice, waiting for something to make us stand up. Waiting, because I wasn't scared anymore.

When the next morning arrived, it was almost too soon to go back to work, but I had to. It was weird not seeing Alice for so long when the day before she just laid on my chest the whole time. It felt kind of empty as Derek took the day off to stay with her.

She was doing so much better now, even if the teething had just started and she was already grumpy all day long. When I woke her up, she was as groggy as the morning before, but her forehead wasn't burning anymore. Still a little cranky, she chewed avidly at my breast, instead of her bottle.

She was finishing breakfast when Derek walked in with a pacifier.

"Good morning" he cheered. He was always happy to spend and entire day with Alice, even if she was still a little sick and teething.

"Hey." I smiled, his mere presence brightening the day "I'm trying to let her sleep some more. She had been up most of the night" I admitted

"You should have woken me" he sighed

"It's fine, I slept here" I motioned to the nursery. The armchair there was really comfortable as the seller told us.

She was still nursing at my breast, even if her eyes were closed, lost in her own little world between satisfaction and sleep.

"I was thinking that maybe a pacifier will calm her gums a little, she's chewing on you" he came closer with a smirk on his face, running a hand through Alice's tiny curls. Her hair looked just like his. I giggled as well.

"Believe me, I can feel that, but I think she found something more entertaining during the night" I said, holding her up to burp her. Derek took her from my arms and she immediately leaned to his shoulder, popping quickly her thumb into her mouth, still sleepy. I smiled widely.

"She finally showed it off, then" he chuckled, tickling her belly. She usually would have laughed, instead she moaned something and held out her hand to me. Derek immediately tried to soothe her, feeling guilty for making her uncomfortable.

"Sure you can handle her?" I asked

"Yeah, go healing, we're gonna be fine"

"Even if she asks for boob?" I teased him. He knew I trusted him

"Then I'll call you" he smirked

"Do you think I'm spoiling her?" I finally voiced the worry that was buzzing in my head for a while

"Why?"

"Well, normally kids stop having milk when they're on solids"

"Nancy fed her kids till the year mark. I'm more than okay with that..."

"A year?" my eyes widened

"Yeah, she read something about it in a journal"

"It's such a beautiful feeling, you know..." he grinned at me, then I leaned closer to brush his lips and give Alice a soft kiss on her forehead. She fussed, because she realized I was leaving.

"Daddy is gonna stay with you all day. Are you excited?" her eyes widened, then she stuffed back her hand in her mouth. _Poor thing_.

"I'll be home after lunch today, okay?" Derek smiled, then sat on the rocking chair with her as I left.

At the hospital, the day seemed to be slow. Not that I wanted any rush after an almost sleepless night with Alice, but it seemed even more pointless being here rather than home. I had time to sleep for a couple of hours in an on-call room before my shift was over and I felt so much better.

I brought home my lunch, buying it on the way and making a stop at the grocery store for some missing stuff too. As I came back, everything sounded too quiet. Alice wasn't crying, so, considering the hour, she should have been asleep. I thought I'd found Derek in the living room or glued to his laptop, catching up with work, but he wasn't there, neither in Alice's room, which I found strangely empty. Our bedroom's door was open and, as I walked in, I found Derek spread right in the middle of the blanket. Alice was on top of his chest, asleep, her thumb tightly held in her mouth and the other hand gripping on Derek's t-shirt. He was holding her with his arm even if he was sleeping soundly. He even put some pillows to not let her fall off.

I smiled, lingering a bit against the doorframe, very much like Derek usually does, enjoying the view: Alice's drool was on his t-shirt, but Derek seemed to not mind it, while she was sucking noisily. They've never been so beautiful.

I just stood there until Alice's eyes fluttered open and she rolled down, starting to cry. Derek woke too, at first a bit dazzled to realize he fell asleep with her.

"Hey" he sheepishly greeted me as soon as he noticed me at the door, drawing Alice closer to his chest to calm her. I smiled back. She immediately stopped whining, to held out her arms to me. I came closer and I picked her up, kissing her first, then leaning down to kiss Derek.

"Slept well?" I asked maybe to both of them

"I didn't want to" he said in a perfect guilty five-year-old voice

"It was the cutest thing. I should have snapped a picture, it was worth it" I giggled. He sat straight on the bed and I sat next to him, letting Alice roll from my lap to his.

"Is that drool?" he said, analyzing his t-shirt closely, frowning at the blotch on his chest

"Teething" I smirked

"Jeez little Peanut" he kissed her cheek, then Alice took my finger in her little hand and replaced her thumb previously in her mouth with it. I felt something biting my skin.

"It's there!" I blurted, happily, a wide grin appearing on my lips.

"What?" Derek asked, still a bit asleep

"The first tooth. It's there. We have a teethed Peanut" I laughed. She giggled with us, then let Derek tickle her belly, bursting in laughter as the ordeal of the last two days was already forgotten.

* * *

**AN: Alice is a little bit grown and she amuses us. Here we have a little bit of Meredith's old mommy issues, but I think it couldn't have gone better. ****What do you think?**

**Those were two chapters that I mashed together last minute, I was a little bit unsure, but I think it was better a long chapter than two shorter ones. The second part was supposed to begin the following morning, when Meredith works and Derek stays home. Was it well mixed?**

**Thanks for reading!**


	23. 23A  A Big Fish in a Little Pond

**This newest chapter is gonna be divided into two parts. This one is in Meredith's PoV, and the next one will be in Derek's and picks up exactly where this one ends more or less.**

**The title is from a Coldplay song, Lost, which I'm sure you've heard at least once. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this!**

* * *

**Part 23 A – A Big Fish in a Little Pond**

_Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans._

_John Lennon_

Alice was a little grumpy when I woke her up. She was rolling around on her tummy, trying to figure out the best position to bear the sudden warmth that had wrapped around Seattle. It was her first summer, and she wasn't very fond of it. Nine months wasn't enough to love sticky hot and her sweaty forehead confirmed it. Her hair, now a shade lighter because of the sun, but still as dark as Derek's, was all messed up. She was about to open her eyes and cry when I came up to her crib. She had never complained much at night, but in the last few days the only sleep I could get was at the hospital.

"Hey Peanut," I scooped her up in my arms, and she kept fussing a little, groaning. I wiped some of the sweat away from her forehead and gave her some water. She drank it like she had spent the whole night in the Sahara, sheepishly leaning her head on my shoulder. "Let's go say good morning to Daddy." I said in an attempt to be cheerful.

In the kitchen, Derek was wearing some ratty faded shorts and an old t-shirt. We didn't need to be at the hospital until later in the day, but both of us were still on call. It was going to be Alice's first night out and judging by the way she woke up, I wasn't really sure it was time for someone else to handle her. She immediately titled her head up at the sight of Derek.

"Buongiorno Principessa," he said, turning away from the milk he was warming up and quoting one of our favorite movies. She smiled widely at him, all the grumpiness from upstairs forgotten with the sight of her Daddy. I passed her into his arms and she snuggled into his chest. I kissed him quickly, like a habit we'd grown accustomed to.

"Long night, uh?" he asked, clearly noticing the dark circles under my eyes.

"She doesn't like hot summers very much."

"I'm sure she's gonna love tonight, with Cristina." He looked down to see her reaction, smiling encouragingly, but she was almost asleep again. Derek sat at the table, holding her tenderly, while I took care of the rest of our breakfast.

"I don't know if that's a good idea, Derek," I mumbled when I sat next to him.

"She has to, at some point. We can't keep her locked up in here forever..."

"She's gonna hate this. I wanted her to like her first night alone," I sighed.

"Maybe, instead, some change will wear her out and she'll sleep like a hog. I know its hard Meredith," he squeezed my hand, trying to comfort me.

"It's not about me, it's about her," I put some biscuits in her milk, trying not to snap.

"She loves Cristina and Owen."

"I know."

He grabbed my face, when I knelt down to reach Alice's level and brush her wild hair, kissing the top of her head. "Stop worrying," he smiled, before kissing me. I sighed. Then I brushed Alice's cheek once more.

"Breakfast, Alice," I said cheerfully when I realized she wasn't grabbing the bottle I was holding out to her.

"No," she groaned.

My eyes widened, so did Derek's. She went back to sleep, hiding her face on Derek's chest and snuggling closer.

"Did she just say 'no'?" Derek frowned, quite amused.

"She did," I nodded.

We smiled. I kissed her forehead again, leaving her bottle on the table next to them. We were aware of some babbling about Mommy and Daddy, often repeating us when we said it, but she had never said something like that, to express her own feelings. If her first actual word beside our names was 'no' we had just booked a hell of a ride in the next two or three years. Her eyes told everybody that she was going to be a troublemaker. I picked her up in my arms, trying to convince her to wake up and eat. She groaned again at the unexpected change.

"Alice, c'mon. We have a whole morning free for us to enjoy, aren't you excited?"

She shook her head, starting to cry despite my attempts to sound very convincing.

"Do you wanna go to the lake with Mommy and Daddy? Together?"

She lifted her face up, brushing her fists over her eyes, nodding.

"You have to eat breakfast, then," added Derek, handing her the bottle. She took it from his hand and started eating quietly, unable to keep her head straight and leaning against my shoulder. I sat across from Derek while he ate and rubbed her back until she finished, while I did my best to chew some cereal as well.

"I'm going to have a shower, okay?" I told Derek, as I leaned in to give him Alice. She fussed, moaned and, in the end, she started crying as soon as she left my arms. _That__ was weird._

"Peanut, Mommy isn't going anywhere. She's taking a shower," Derek tried to comfort her, but she was oblivious. Her tears made my heart ache.

"Let her cry," I sighed, knowing that it was just a tantrum, and doing the best I could to walk away just like I'd planned and not walk back to hold her in my arms say that I was going to be there forever. She was going to need this tonight and for the rest of her life.

"Hmm?" mumbled Derek, he knew I was usually the one to spoil her and he was the one setting rules and restrictions. His look seemed to ask 'Are you sure about it?' and sincerely, I couldn't even answer that myself.

"She'll stop, at some point. You said it yourself; I'm only taking a shower."

It was heartbreaking, walking up the stairs while she cried. As I put my head under the warm stream of water I could easily picture her rolling and fussing in Derek's arms, hitting him as hard as she could to make him follow me.

Tears mixed with the water and I let them.

Instead, when I came back downstairs I found Derek lying on the couch with Alice on his chest, reading a book. She was turning the pages too fast to actually read anything, pointing at the colorful animals drawn there, giggling happily. As soon as she realized I was there, she threw her arms towards me, squealing "Ma-ma!" and I just melted into the doorframe. I hurried over to pick her up with a wide grin plastered on my face, tickling her belly endlessly to hear her perfect laugh. _Sh__e said my name when I showed up. She wanted me so badly she__ ask__ed__ for me_. Her cheeks were flushed because of all of the laughing, so I sat beside Derek to give her some time to recover. She sneaked out my arms after a few moments, crawling to his lap, where she giggled some more. Then we went upstairs to get dressed for our outing.

When we came back downstairs, Derek was already waiting for us on the porch, enjoying the warmth and the sun Seattle rarely gets. He was an outdoor man after all.

It wasn't very hot in the morning, so it was pleasant under the shade of the trees, walking quietly in the forest. Some old leaves crunched under our flip-flops while we walked, even if the forest didn't smell as good as it did after a heavy rainstorm. We were going to the lake for a picnic, finally able to stay outside for an entire morning and remain dry.

When Alice saw the lake for the first time, she was astonished. She was immediately mesmerized by the water and its thousands of reflections, shrieking happily to let us know how much she loved the place.

"You like it here, uh?" I asked, while we walked closer, stepping on the old wooden dock. It was our dock even though it wasn't new like the house. We had decided to keep it that way nevertheless when we built the house, preserving what the old owner had built. It was perfect for fishing and sitting anyway. It was as dry as I'd ever seen it and Derek immediately laid the towels down on it, spreading all of his fishing tools out around us. Alice was dazzled by all of the movement and the sound of the water crashing on the dock. She was watching Derek as well, trying to understand what he was doing with his fishing rod and the rest of the tools.

"Daddy looks weird, right?" I asked her, noticing her puzzled but fascinated face. She glanced up from my lap, pointing to Derek with her finger and babbling "Da-da." He looked towards us with a huge smile, still tying some stuff that I've never learned the names of.

"I'm fishing, Peanut," he answered promptly to her puzzled expression. "If we're lucky and I catch something, you can even touch a real fish..." he added, smiling at me to see if I agreed with his idea. Alice rolled off of my lap to feel the wooden dock under her chubby hands, hitting it with her proverbial grace.

"Careful Alice," I said, when I saw her crawling away a little too fast for my comfort.

It was hard to keep up with her now that she was more than able to crawl. She loved to explore and we couldn't tear our eyes off of her for a second. That's why I agreed to her first night out; because I was sure she would love it.

At the lake, all of her grumpiness was gone, replaced by giggles and oohs every time she found something new to discover. If Derek wasn't so quick grabbing her, she would have eagerly crawled down into the water without a second thought. When we refused to let her near it she cried again.

"Hey, it's biting!" said Derek, right in the middle of the newest tantrum and I was grateful to that fish. When he was able to lift it up onto the dock it kept wagging and stirring, squirting tiny drops of lake water onto us. Alice giggled under the unexpected rain, carefully crawling to touch the fish as soon as it stopped moving. She pulled her hand away when she felt the scales and the fish waggled once more. Then she burst in tears. Derek picked her up, holding her on his lap and trying to tell her that it wasn't as scary as it seemed. She was still focused on the fish and nothing else, despite the fact that she was crying, while Derek spoke, determined to touch the fish again, but too afraid to move closer by herself. He set her free from the hug and she carefully crawled near the fish again. This time she pointed at it, looking at me, and then Derek, almost as if she wanted to check our reactions. Then she crawled back.

"Are you scared of the fish?" asked Derek. She crawled closer to the animal again, pointing it out to Derek with her chubby fingers.

"You want us to touch the fish first?" I tried to interpret her.

"Ma-ma," she said, looking at the fish again then at me with pleading eyes. I took it as a yes, so I brushed my fingers over the slimy skin of the fish, smiling at Alice. It wasn't as gross as I expected and she seemed satisfied with it, then she frowned again and turned to Derek.

"Da-da," she asked. Derek inched closer and touched the fish as well. It was kind of funny the way she looked at us when we had our fingers over the fish, almost like it was going to swallow us in one bite.

At last, she crawled closer, resting her hand on the middle of the fish, waiting for some kind of reaction. She petted it, but it was still again, so she kept on hitting it, despite the water and the squishy feeling. When she looked up, her almost-toothless smile was contagious.

She got tired of the fish not much later, crawling far away from us onto the dock. She almost fell in twice, so we decided to let her touch the water. Derek took her in his arms and balanced her out over the dock, until the tips of her toes touched the water. She wrinkled them, causing both of us to smile, then she tried again and started splashing water all around, almost like the fish, as soon as she began to enjoy the feeling. _Oh, troublemaker_.

"Okay then," said Derek, taking her out of the water before all of us were soaking wet. She whimpered, still shaking her chubby toes mid-air, eager to feel the water again. She was back in my arms right in time to fall asleep and for us to go back home and start getting ready for work.

She woke up when we were almost ready, a bit confused at first because she couldn't see the lake anymore, then she realized she was back home and her protests ended quickly.

"Alice." She turned to me immediately when I called her name, letting go of her toys for a little while. "Do you remember what we talked about yesterday?" I closed the distance between us and sat next to her on the floor. "You're going to stay with Aunt Cristina tonight. She will tuck you in bed because I can't kiss you goodnight, and neither can Daddy."

She frowned, letting me know that she understood perfectly.

"It's gonna be so much fun. I promise..." I faked a smile, because my heart was breaking a little bit for her, because I was going to leave her alone all night.

Right then, Cristina knocked at the door. Alice smiled widely at her, crawling a little bit towards her, but giving up at one third of the distance, still too long to be crawled entirely.

"Hey munchkin!" Cristina greeted her, picking her up in her arms unexpectedly. Alice immediately reached out to slap her face as her welcome. "Hey Mer, she looks cheerful."

"You should have seen her this morning. She learned to say 'no', which should be fun for you," I grinned.

"'No' is a good word," mocked Cristina

"You say that now," I giggled, "look; you know where everything you need is, right?"

"I'm gonna give her the dinner that you prepared, I'm gonna put her to sleep no later than nine-thirty, and tomorrow morning she'll wake up early so I shouldn't bother with waking her up. She should drink water and I have to close her window before bed because it should be opened earlier to let some fresh air in," she recited like some values on a chart or some presentation during rounds. A smile immediately appeared on my lips.

"What about breakfast?" I played along with the surgeon-intern.

"Warm some milk in the bottle with frogs." She smiled again, "Mer, we're going to be just fine," she added more seriously.

"Cristina," I sighed, the mere idea of being at work tonight was enough to make my stomach churn.

"She knows me and I know her well enough. I'm gonna stay here, where she's comfortable. We'll manage a good night's sleep," Cristina tried to reassure me.

"You can call me anytime, you know that, right?"

"Yeah. Can Owen stay overnight too? He wants to stay closer to the hospital; he has a critical patient in the ICU."

"I don't think it'd be a problem." _T__he more the better_

"Breathe," smiled Cristina, but nothing seemed to be enough when the moment of actual goodbyes was nearing.

"I can't," I sighed. It was true. I wasn't able to leave my baby, even with my best friend. I was one of those moms.

"Is Derek around? I wanted to say hi," she pretended to change the subject. They were on good terms after she'd saved his life during the shooting, some sort of close friendship, even if their relationship was still a mystery to me.

"No, he already left. We took two cars in case I need to get back or the other way around."

"You won't need to."

"Okay," I managed to say, chocking on every other word. I brushed Alice's curly hair, kissing her forehead. "Mommy's gonna come back soon, I promise." I felt tears in my eyes, walking out, knowing that I wouldn't see her in the next twelve hours. The last image of her was Cristina grabbing her hand and waving it at me while she had the cutest smile on her face. I was going to hold onto that for the rest of the night.

When I arrived at work, the rush of things kept me busy until ten when I called Cristina.

"Hey," I greeted, hesitantly. The fact that no piercing shouts could be heard from the phone was already reassuring.

"Meredith, everything's fine. Owen is reading her a story, but she must be almost asleep by now. It's kind of cute actually, seeing Owen reading her a story, makes me want to have a kid."

"Sure you're ok? Because what you just said wasn't really you," I widened my eyes, knowing that she was just saying that to cheer me up.

"That's your daughter's charm. She got it all from her father, no doubt about it, sorry Mer." I giggled, finally feeling a little bit calmer than when I left.

"Call me if in a couple of hours she's still wide awake, okay?"

"She's closing her eyes right now."

"Good," I smiled, proud of Alice.

My pager rang and I had to cut the conversation short, glad that my little girl was enjoying her first night on her own.

**AN: 'Buongiorno Principessa' is taken from the movie "Life is Beautiful" with Roberto Benigni. I'm sure everybody has heard something about it. I think it won a couple of Oscars too. I loved the movie and Benigni was born in my city, practically the village next to mine. The way he handled such a tough theme like the Holocaust is fascinating. Anyway, I checked the translation of the quotation above on some websites and I realized there wasn't one, so I just left it in Italian. I wanted to add it because it's one of the tenderest scenes in the whole film and I simply loved it.**

**Here the Mama Meredith that hovers comes out, but don't you all think she's going to be that kind of mother?**

**Stay tuned for more, I'll update as soon as I can!**


	24. 23B The Night Descending

**Okay, I'm sorry it took me so long, but life had been hectic, with the exam getting near every day more, I have to even plan showers and meals some days, so I was able to update only after, well, ages. **

**This is the second part of chapter 23, picks up right after the other, this time though we are guided by Derek. The song is from Iron & Wine and I changed the title last minute, just like the split structure of this chapter. **

**Anyway, I hope you'll still out there reading...**

* * *

**Part 23 B – The Night Descending**

_Everything that happens once can never happen again._

_But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time._

_Paulo Coelho_

I tried to comfort Meredith about Alice's first night without us, but I wasn't comfortable either. So, as soon as my phone rang and I saw Cristina's name flash on the LCD, I freaked out and I started walking to the Chief's office to ask him to go home, even knowing he was most likely at home already.

"What's wrong?" I immediately asked as soon as I picked up the phone, stopping in the cafeteria when I finally realized at what inglorious hour I wanted to disturb the Chief. I sat at a table in the far corner, even if it wasn't a busy place at night.

"I called you because Mer would freak out, but she can't stop crying" Cristina's calm but upset. During the seconds of silence while I was thinking about an answer, Alice's high-pitched cry reached my ear. She was desperately asking for her 'Ma-ma' "At least we know she had good lungs" added Cristina to cut the tension, the laugh nervous and forced.

"Have you tried a story?" I tried the first thing that came up in my mind

"Early in the night. She doze off a little, but when she woke up, before bringing her in bed, she wouldn't stop crying"

"Have you given her the bottle?"

"Yes. Even the bath didn't calmed her. I'm at a loss and I can't call Meredith" she admitted. It was strange to hear Cristina say that she didn't know what to do and that was even worse.

"Okay, okay" _Not freaking okay, crap!_ "Pick the book with fishes and show it to her" she usually loved that book and fishes are boring enough to fall asleep

"We tried every book. It's midnight and she's still up. She should have been sleeping by now" she sighed

"I know."

"What would you do?" the hint of worry and helplessness didn't go unnoticed

"Snuggle her in my arms and telling her that Mommy will be back soon. It works, usually..." I pinched the bridge of my nose trying to come up with anything to calm her down

"It works because you're you. Daddy is a lot like Mommy" she almost snapped.

My mind began racing, thinking back at every single night we spent alone when Meredith was at work, but nothing seemed to calm her more than hearing someone speak, it didn't mattered if it was a story or simply pointless chat.

"Put her on" I immediately had an idea

"What?" Cristina was clearly confused

"Loudspeaker or whatever, I'll talk to her over the phone"

Alice's cry was becoming louder, something shuffled on the line until I heard "She's on"

"Peanut, hey, it's Daddy on the phone" the whimpers immediately stopped, replaced by sighs and long thuds. She was probably hitting the phone. "Daddy can't be there kissing you goodnight, remember? We talked about it at the lake," I tried to sound calm, despite the fact that I was freaking out and the keys of the car to come back home were already in my hands

"Ma-ma" she moaned

"Mommy is at work too, but there's Cristina. Isn't she so much fun to stay with?" I cooed, trying to sound cheerful

"Da-da" my name sounded suddenly so heartbreaking

"I know, Peanut, I miss you too, but we're gonna be back soon. I promise"

She kept crying, then, unable to be soothed.

"Cristina, hold her and I keep talking, maybe she'll cry herself out to sleep"

"I couldn't cry that much in a single evening, she's impressive"

If it wasn't my daughter whimpering and fussing on the other side, I could have laughed at her joke.

"What about a story from Daddy, uh Alice?" I began, pretending that she was in my arms and not back home. I could see her bloodshot eyes closing and her whole body relax as soon as I picked her up, like she usually does.

"Da-da" she moaned again.

"Okay, that's a good story. Do you still like princesses, right?" suddenly, the other side of the phone was silent, just some occasional sighs and sobs "All right then. There was a beautiful princess who unfortunately was all alone. The palace where she lived was always silent because her father was always in other reigns to work with her mother. She hadn't many friends, because she wanted to study very hard how to find a perfect solution to save lives. One day, both their parents never come back, so she decided to move away to another castle to find some more money to keep studying. She arrived in a beautiful place, full of parks and lakes, but she still didn't knew anybody. She was scared, but then she found a prince on her way, who helped her forget her problems and welcomed her in his castle. She immediately fell in love with him, but when they arrived at his castle to rest, the princess realized that the prince she found was about to marry another princess from the nearest reign. The queen and king also disagreed when he brought the princess there, but he didn't mind them and kept spending time with the beautiful princess. When the wedding day arrived, he told the princess to wear a beautiful dress as well and ended up marrying her instead of the other princess, who ran back to her old castle. After a while, they had the most amazing daughter they've ever imagined and they lived all together happily ever after"

No sounds again, which was good.

"Cheesy but helpful, she's back to sleep again" I could imagine Cristina's smirk

"Hold her a little while longer, then put her in the crib. She'll wake you tomorrow" I finally let out a breath I didn't know I was holding

"Thank you, Shepherd" she replied and for once there wasn't anything bitter of sharp in her voice, she was simply grateful

"Thank you Cristina. Kiss her goodnight for me and never tell that to Meredith, are we clear? Or I'll make sure you won't see my OR for a month" I jokingly threatened her

She giggled "Crystal clear. 'Night Shepherd!"

I sighed loudly, leaning back on my chair in the cafeteria, where I came to sat, slowly relaxing and finally tucking away the car keys.

"You okay?" a familiar voice arrived in my ear and I was glad to have just hung up the phone. Meredith appeared in my view as soon as I opened my eyes, she looked tired and restless, but I knew she was just as worried as me. She managed a small smile when she plopped on the chair next to mine with unbelievable grace, despite the late hour

"Hey Mer. Everything's fine. I was just worrying over Alice" I admitted, the corners of my mouth curling up in a forced grin, trying to look perfectly fine and not recovering from an emergency call from Cristina.

"Cristina will kick our asses tomorrow, I called her too. A couple of times. Maybe three" she flashed a wide smile

"Indeed" I was glad she didn't suspected anything despite my worn out face

"Okay, four" she giggled lightly and suddenly I wasn't so tired and worried as before "Everything's fine, though. We have a brave girl" her smile became suddenly tender, the one she reserved just for our baby girl

"Yeah" I sighed, still marveling how different she looked after she had Alice, all the dark-and-twisty seemed suddenly forgotten

"I liked that Cristina wasn't alone tonight. Owen was very helpful" she continued

I tried to place all the things together, snapping a quick nod in agreement.

"Can you believe that she's sleeping without us?" I smiled, knowing that she was finally resting, despite everything

"It feels so...Like I blink and I have to pay her college fees" she became pensive all of a sudden after voicing her thoughts and I know that the idea of Alice growing up scared her as hell

"Not that fast, but I think that we still have to save money for her college already"

She giggled, taking a lock of my hair in her fingers, sitting closer and leaning a bit on me

"It's our first night without her as well" she continued, a little bit flirtatiously, despite the evident tiredness that seeped through her whole body

"Feels kinda empty, don't you think?" It always felt empty when I had to stay late at the hospital, it was just the first time that I could share it with someone else that understood perfectly.

"Yeah" she leaned in to kiss me "Maybe we should make it better" she smirked, eying the on-call room on the other side of the hall

"Oh, I really could use some sleep right now" I teased her, kissing her neck

She quickly stood up, intertwining my fingers with hers and we walked to the room. As soon as she closed the door, her kisses were everywhere, pinning me against the wall forcefully.

"You're sure you don't have anything else to do tonight?" I tried to remain coherent a little while more to tease her

"Except being home with my daughter and I can't or kiss you? Of course I have nothing" she smirked, her hand caressing the skin on my back lovingly, but passionately at the same time

"Seems like ages we did this every night" I smiled, kissing her collarbone

"Good ol'times?" she added, throwing me onto the bed

"I like where your head is" I laughed, then I no longer wanted to think about anything.

When my pager rang, Meredith was still comfortably resting naked in my arms half-asleep, but she stiffened at the sound. I groaned, unwilling to move from the warm cocoon we created under the sheets, our bodies resting closer and Meredith breathing evenly in the darkness.

"It's mine" I whispered "Go back to sleep"

After I kissed her shoulder, her eyes were closed again. I looked at the clock and I almost cursed, because it was already five in the morning and my shift would have been over in a couple of hours, while my emergency surgery that apparently I had to perform was going to last at least three hours. It had been the longest night on-call ever.

When I arrived there, Shadow-Shepherd was already there, taking the vitals of the one that was supposed to be my patient.

"Dr. Nelson" I managed to speak, my voice still a bit sleepy

"Shepherd, I know you were on call, but that's my craniotomy" he replied firmly, not a hint of anger in his voice, but he wanted to make sure nobody kicked him out of his territory.

"You can have it. I'm going home to my daughter" a huge smile stretched on my face at the wonderful news, glad that I wouldn't have to spend the next three hours in the OR instead of at home with Alice. Nelson eyed me warily, but pretended everything was normal, shaking his head with an amused smile.

Meredith was still sleeping when I was back, so I snuggled beside her, wrapping my arms around her middle again and she didn't even flinch a little, neither when I kissed her shoulder or the back of her neck. She was exhausted. I drifted back to sleep in less than I thought, until I heard her muffled voice whisper my name from far away, pulling me out of fuzzy dreams.

"Mer?" I whispered back, forcing my eyelids to open.

"It's time to go home" her face appeared as soon as I adjusted to the dim light and her green eyes shone, despite the darkness, happy and relaxed

"Really?" I smiled widely

"Seriously" she sighed

"Thank God!" I kissed her again, before jumping out.

We met in the hall with our street clothes after a few minutes, pretending that we haven't spent the night snuggled together. We smiled widely, walking out linking our hands. She was the one holding out her hand, despite how much she hated those displays of love in front of everybody, she just needed something to hold on to just as badly as I needed it.

"Can you drive me home?" she asked, her voice somehow distant from the happy tone she used in the on-call room

"Of course, we can take the car back tomorrow"

Her face was serious as I looked more carefully, almost frowning, like she wanted to say something serious during our ride. _Maybe she was just sleepy or she found out about the call_. We walked in silence and it remained quiet until the first red light forced me to stop and face her, still wondering what she had in mind.

"Derek" I looked at her, meeting her serious eyes "What if I can't have any more kids?" she asked, looking away. The light was green and I struggled a little to move, clearly caught off guard by her question. Everything in her demeanor told me not to take this too lightly and even if I wanted to, I couldn't find any way to crack a joke.

"What do you mean?" I finally snapped out of the staring, speaking to gain a little more time

"We had to lose one baby to have Alice and I don't want that to happen again" she said in a small, almost breaking voice that made me want to stop the car and wrap her tightly in my arms again

"You don't want to have more kids?" I frowned helplessly, still not getting where her head was

"Of course I do. What if I can't?" she bit her lip, out of a nervous habit

"Mer" I sighed, a small smile curling up my lips at her innocence, the mere idea of her wanting more kids enough to melt my heart

"Derek" she echoed "She can't live with us barely speaking to each other for months as happened last time I lost a baby or you speeding with your car" she rambled, her eyes avoiding mine

"There's no gun now. And you're not even sure it would happen" I tried to reassure her, the fact that she was still hurting for the speeding one more thing to add to my list of disappointments

"What if it does?"

"We don't have to say that now"

"We do"she pressed and suddenly, I needed to look at her even for a second, to see if she was different. _Pregnant_. I still remembered how perfect she looked in the first months when it was just her and me knowing that there was a tiny human growing inside her. She looked tired, but not really glowing like she was pregnant. Her question though still felt strange.

"Are you pregnant?" I frowned

"No, of course not, I would have told you in a nicer way. But it can happen" she dismissed and somehow she looked a little disappointed, annoyed probably by my stupid question

"I know" I smiled again, trying to comfort her

"What will you do when it happens?" she pressed the issue

"I promised you, no running. It will be easier, though. We have Alice..." she always knew how to cheer us up after the most awful day.

"You promise?" she cut me short

"I promise"

She smiled, brushing softly my arm.

"You wanna have more kids, then..." I asked, the glimmer of hope for the big family I always dreamed still there.

"Not yet." she quickly replied "Alice's still so little, but yeah, at some point I'd love to" a warm smile finally appeared on her face, brightening her tired features.

"I'm still talking to the on-call room Meredith, right?" I joked, knowing more than well that she could be more than unpredictable. Mommy Meredith so far was the one that kept marveling me constantly.

"The exact same person. Just forget about the dirty talks" she laughed and we finally cut right through the brief moment of tension.

"It was good" I babbled, but she heard anyway.

"The sex?" a knowing smirk replaced the warm smile

"That's always good." I flirted "The talking, the knowing each other's opinions. It was a while that we didn't talked like this" I admitted. We never had time to stop and just talk like we did especially after the shooting, before having Alice. After her everything sometimes was just so hectic that at the end of the day we just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep.

"This morning I remembered when you took me there at the lake for the first time and I had the exact same face Alice had" her face lightened up at the memory and I couldn't help the smile when the exact same memory flooded back in my head again

"Yeah, even if it was a little less warm" I smirked, remembering the downpour of that day

"We got soaked, coming back to the trailer"

It was November and the sky was pretty dark, but that morning she saw the lake shining from the trailer and she wanted to see it, so I brought her there. Then it rained, but it was still one of my dearest memories, especially the look of wonder in her eyes when we arrived there and she took in the whole scenery for the first time

"Do you remember when I brought you there after we began building our house?" another smile made its way on my lips

"Yeah." her smile widened "I was pregnant and Alice was as excited as me" her hand moved to her stomach almost automatically at the distant memory, just as if she was relieving the memory under her closed eyelids, a small smile appearing on her lips

"You were so beautiful on that dock in your bikini"

"Oh, I was just fat." she giggled "I still have a lot to lose and Alice's almost nine months old!" she snorted, shaking her head.

"You're the most beautiful anyway." If I wouldn't have paid close attention to her because of another red light, I would have missed the small hint of blush reddening her cheeks

"I can outshine Alice as well?" she mocked

"Sometimes" I grinned widely. She knew it wasn't comparable, but she liked too much teasing me.

As I stopped our car on the gravels, finally home, she leaned closer and kissed me with love and understanding after the heartfelt talk in the car, then she hurried out to open the front door.

As soon as Alice saw Meredith at the door, she squealed "Ma-ma!" and then tried to crawl to her, sneaking out Cristina's grasp. Meredith knelt to scoop her up halfway and they both laughed, brushing their noses together and snuggling into each other. When she lifted up her head and saw me behind Meredith shoulders, she smiled as well, tossing her arms to me and yelling "Da-da!" just as loud as she asked for Meredith. I grinned widely and I grabbed her from Meredith, tossing her in the air and making her laugh hard. We all sat on the couch then, Alice rolling from my lap to Meredith's, still uncertain of where to go.

"It's better if she takes a nap this afternoon" said Cristina, looking at me knowingly, her emotions well hidden from Meredith though

"Yeah, she was still up at ten yesterday" concluded Meredith and I sighed, grateful that she didn't suspected anything "We need to nap as well" she glanced at me, a smirk on her face. "Thank you Cristina" she managed to add, before her friend stood up and walked out, maybe annoyed by our glances, knowing exactly what they meant.

We both laughed and I leaned in to kiss her perfect lips, curled up in a soft smile, but Alice rolled between us and grabbed our t-shirts. We laughed almost in our faces: she was annoyed too, apparently.

* * *

**AN: This was fluffy, I know, I just wanted to show Wonder-Daddy Derek for once. I wanted to cut out the story he told Alice over the phone, but I figured it wouldn't hurt much if I kept it. I hope you won't mind. ****Cristina is also babysitting overnight, how strange is that? **

**Anyway, I hope you liked that second part and I hope I won't need weeks to update again. I'm glad you are still reading, I don't know where to beging to thank all of you people who are following this story. Thank you!**


	25. 24A, You're Always The Same

**Well, this is another two-part chapter, I split again the PoV of the same event because I needed it. We begin with Meredith then we'll pick up in the next with Derek. It kind of came out of nowhere and I'll try to update the story as soon as I can. **

**The song is Tiger, My Friend by Psapp, featured in one of the first episodes of Grey's as well, probably even the first one. Anyway, enjoy it and I profusely apologize for the incredible delay, again. Don't worry, I had a short spring break and I took my time to bank some chapters, but I didn't had an Internet connection to update the story. I hope you're still out there and you'll remain there for the last bunch of chapters I have left. We'll end up around 30 chapters or something and there will be no sequel, believe me, the sequel on Soft Shock is massive enough. I have a couple of ideas more hidden in my drawer, ready to pop out as soon as i feel like publishing them.**

**Okay, sorry about the rambling, I'll leave you to the story.**

**Part 24 A – You're Always The Same**

_He was my North, my South, my East and West,_

_My working week and my Sunday rest,_

_My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;_

_I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong._

_W. H. Auden_

* * *

The Shepherds were coming West. The whole crew was moving to Seattle for Christmas. Alice would be one then and they have seen her mostly through photos only. Fifteen kids around, sixteen with her. I wasn't sure I could handle all of them together, even if I still had months to process it all.

Alice had been finally tucked in her crib and Derek blurt that out. I haven't seen him the whole day and the only thing he was able to say was that his entire family was flying over here for Christmas. Not that I wasn't glad, but it was still overwhelming. Especially lately, when things weren't going as good as always, our jobs taking away the biggest part of our days and our time together almost non-existent during the last few weeks. We stopped looking for each other at some point, knowing that it was useless, because we had been always too busy to even think about stopping and our schedules practically seemed made to make us avoid each other.

"Derek..." I sighed after he explained his Christmas plans. I only wanted to spend some quiet time with him and Alice.

"I know, I shouldn't have said yes, but..." he began apologizing

"No, it's fine." I cut him off "I'd like them to meet Alice in person now that she's growing."

"I should have asked first" he placed a soft kiss on my forehead and I leaned into his hug. "You're exhausted already, I shouldn't have done that..."

In a blink he became the old, hover-y Derek and everything seemed normal. Silence was welcomed, it meant that Alice was still soundly sleeping, despite her grumpiness and our consequent nights awake, adding their something to the already existing problems. Not that she was a problem, either she was the one keeping me and Derek together when we were angry to each other or simply too tired to even listen to one another. Even if he was right there, I missed him.

"Where were you last night? I've missed you" I said, to avoid falling asleep right at the kitchen table so he had to carry me to bed.

"I was at the hospital" he mumbled and he knew that it was pointless to ask that question lately

"Were you on call?" I didn't even knew his crazy schedules anymore, I barely could keep up with mine.

He sighed heavily, then shook his head. I looked up and I saw guilt in his eyes. He seemed strange from the moment I asked about last night, but this topped it all. Something was off

"Derek, what did you do?" He knew I was getting worried because he began rubbing my back gently "Why haven't you called to say you had to stay late?" I added, staring up at him and his searching face.

The usually quick and cocky answer needed a little more time to come out and it wasn't in his usual confident tone but barely a mumble "Because it was really late" his face looked still guilty, though

"You know it's never too late. Alice kept me up at least till two this morning. You could have texted at least" I sighed, still analyzing his odd behavior and at the same time thinking back at the awful night Alice had. No doubt that she was sleeping like a hog tonight.

"I slept in the on-call room the whole night Meredith" he confessed, his gaze avoiding mine

"Why?" I sighed again "Just say it, I'm glad if you only slept" I snapped a little harshly. It was easier to snap at him lately, despite how much I hated venting my problems on him all the time. I was just tired of everything. life was just this overwhelming mess and if he added things to it I didn't know how to handle all of it anymore.

"You thought I was with someone else?" his hands fell on the table letting go of me, his body suddenly stiff, a frown creasing his forehead. He was angry, I could see in his eyes and I couldn't blame him. I just didn't know what to think anymore.

"Not a second, but I was worried" his demeanor though was still hostile "Tell me why you stayed" I almost pleaded him.

"We're exhausted, it's no big deal, let's just go to bed" he cut me off, but I knew there was something more

"Derek" I snapped again, harshly.

"I'm so sorry"

As he apologized, I pushed him away, standing up and leaning against the counter, pretending to clear the table, keeping my hands occupied with something to not hit him. Because hitting him seemed the only sane solution right then. Hitting him was going to feel immensely good.

"I can't believe you stayed to sleep and you didn't even called" I mumbled to myself but loud enough he could hear.

"I had a long surgery, you know that..." he trailed off, defensively

"That was my surgery too, of course I know!" I hissed, my voice rising

"I was tired Mer" his gaze softened, but I couldn't let go of my building anger

"Do you think I wasn't? Who the hell am I, Wonder Woman?" I glared at him

"You kind of are, yeah" he smirked cockily and I'm sure he meant it, but I was too pissed at that point to smile too

"Stop joking! I've never been more serious!" I snapped and his grin faded quickly

"Sorry"

"Go wake your daughter and tell her. She cried all night for you!" tears brimming in my eyes again, recalling the bad night Alice had the day before

"Mer" he began, but I wasn't clearly finished

"Don't 'Mer' me! You promised to kiss her goodnight. She's nine months old, she's not dumb, you know that. She freaking waited for you!" I was yelling loudly now, all the exhaustion flowing out angrily. As much as I hated yelling, I hated it more when it was against Derek, even when he was an ass.

"I should have called"

"You should have been here, damn it!" I slammed my hand on the counter harshly and a few plates clinked.

"I'm sorry" his voice was small while I kept roaring in his face

"I would have let you stay if you just called. She cried herself to sleep for you!"

"Meredith" my name rolling out of his lips like a plea

"And _I _was going to be the worst parent..." I said, walking my way out of there, because I always been good at walking away from things. A fight was the last thing I needed that day.

"Don't you dare..." he grabbed my forearm, holding tightly but without hurting. I was sure he would never hurt me. We would yell, he would call me a lemon and hide in the trailer or stop talking to me for days, but he would never hurt me on purpose. At least physically

"Get the hell out Derek! Go get you good night sleep!" I shouted in his face while he wrapped his arms around me, holding me there

"Please" he let go of me and stared deeply into my eyes, right into my soul, but I was still too angry to forgive him just yet

"Out Derek. Drag your stupid ass out of this house and go sleep at the hospital if here it's too loud!"

I angrily opened the door for him, then he walked out, tears pooling in his eyes while he shuffled out in a funereal pace. My tears, instead, were already unleashed, streaming down my cheeks. I slammed the door behind him, sinking to the floor immediately, curled in a ball, unable to stop crying, my chin leaning on my bent knees.

It was something stupid and I made a big –huge– deal about it. His family was coming over for Christmas, he slept at the hospital to actually rest and I was so exhausted I couldn't take anymore.

I couldn't stop sobbing. I yelled with no good reason. I kicked him out of our house. We screamed in each other faces over nothing. Nothing!

He didn't deserved this.

I could hear a piercing cry coming from upstairs. We yelled so loudly that Alice woke up. I banged my head to the door, hating myself even more for my pointless outburst. I didn't gave him the chance to kiss her goodnight for the second night in a row. I stood up, trying to calm my sobs and brushing away my tears with the back of my hand while I went up to soothe Alice.

When I arrived in her room, she was rolling from one side to the other, screaming more than she ever did. I picked her in my arms immediately and she was still fussing, wriggling in my arms. I sat her on my lap on the rocking chair and she leaned immediately against my chest, nuzzling her face on my breast and putting her whole hand in her mouth. I gently rocked her back and forth, trying to calm myself with her. When her breath was back to normal and I thought she was sleeping again, she tilted up her head, locking her perfectly green eyes with mine despite the dim light. Both were pools of tears and I could see uncertainty in hers. I never thought she would get so scared. She was waiting for me to tell her that everything would have been okay from now on. _How could I tell her I kicked out her Daddy after yelling over nothing?_

"I'm sorry Peanut" I whispered, kissing the top of her head softly, trying to find a way to fix things while she leaned back on my chest, sucking her thumb and I just held her, trying to soothe her worries, rubbing her back in circles. She didn't deserved this.

And again, the creeping feeling of being a bad mother began haunting me, the fact that I didn't let her Daddy kiss her goodnight again wasn't fair for her, so I just held her on my lap, waiting for some kind of magical trick to put things back how they were, when we were all smiley and happy.

* * *

**AN: Okay, it was short and with an unexpected delay but I hope you like it anyway. I'll try to update as soon as I can because I don't want to leave this fight hanging on the story much longer.**

**Thank you for reading this, I'm so glad you're still out there enjoying my story!**


	26. 24B, Strange Steps, Take Us Back

**I'm so glad I was able to update this early. I'm sorry for everybody who waited a long time for this story to be back on track, I hope to have a little more time for you but I doubt I'll be having a 'slow' week like this anytime soon. I'm still writing when I can, but I'm not gonna begin any new story anytime soon, probably not before summer. I know I promised a sequel on my other story and I'm working on it. I have a couple of projects on the way, maybe a third, who knows. **

**Anyway, I'm glad I was able to update so you won't be waiting really long to read the second part of the chapter, Derek's PoV. Picks up right after where we have left them: Mer is with Alice, Der has been kicked out. About the quote, I have again translated it by myself, as I couldn't find it anywhere. Who has the right one is welcomed to suggest it to me and I'll change it. **

**The song is again You Suddenly Complete Me, I bet you have already listened to it since I'm annoying you with this song from the very beginning. Remember, acoustic version ;)**

* * *

**Part 24 B – Strange Steps, Take Us Back**

_Accadono cose che sono come domande._

_Passa un minuto, oppure anni, e poi la vita risponde._

_/_

_Things happen, that __are like questions._

_A minute goes by, maybe years, then life answers_

_Alessandro Baricco_

* * *

The nights hadn't been that cold all summer. Chills ran down my spine, sitting in the car, unable to drive anywhere.

I'd started sweating, so I got out and lied down on the grass, staring at the abnormally bright sky, full of mocking stars. Wind ruffled my hair and the tears pooling in my eyes felt even harsher as my mind raced.

She kicked me out.

We yelled.

Loudly. Unkindly. Over nothing.

I passed my hands through my hair and I could still smell the lavender shampoo she used.

My family was coming over and she freaked out. I didn't come home last night and she freaked out. She was exhausted and she blew it off on me.

_She was so right_.

The light was still on downstairs. She was crying on the couch, probably. _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._ I had to make it up to her. I had missed her the whole time we were apart and once more, I screwed up.

The house was quiet when I opened the door. Our piercing yells had been replaced by a surreal quiet. Not even sniffs broke the silence.

I peeked into the kitchen, but it was empty. The light was still on, forgotten after our screaming match. I tried the living room and the basement, but they were all empty. I walked upstairs, assuming she was already snuggled all alone in our huge bed, but I halted at the top of the stairs, hearing Alice's sighs and Meredith's soothing voice trying to calm her down.

_I woke her up, and I didn't even kiss__ her goodnight. Again_.

I walked down the hallway to her room, lingering at the door and leaning against the wall, trying to stay hidden. Meredith was sitting on the carpet, toys scattered around her. Alice was playing quietly, crawling to grab something new from time to time. She didn't spot me, so I just kept staring at them: Meredith's eyes were swollen and I could see tears shimmering on her cheeks even though she wasn't crying at that moment, trying to be strong for Alice most likely.

Suddenly Alice placed her tired little head on Meredith's thigh and Mer gently spooned her onto her lap, cradling her in a gentle hug. Alice's thumb popped into her mouth and she settled comfortably into her mother's embrace.

"I'm sorry Peanut," she whispered, just as she did before, when I walked upstairs. Then she kissed Alice's forehead and brushed away some of her curls, playing with a lock of her dark hair.

"Daddy's sorry too," I said, interrupting their moment.

When they heard my voice, both tilted their heads up to me. Meredith's gaze locked onto mine, the anger gone, replaced by guilt and something else I couldn't decipher. Alice rubbed her eyes and giggled happily, trying to crawl out of her mother's arms to reach for me.

Meredith let her go and I picked her up from the floor. Immediately Alice slapped my cheeks, her code to say that she was more than happy to see me. I smiled slightly, not forgetting about the fight, but trying to pretend that everything was normal for Alice. I kissed her cheek and she rested her head on my shoulder, closing her eyes again, her sleepiness not at all gone. I sat on the arm of the chair right next to Meredith, before rocking Alice to sleep. She was trying to spend some time more with me after two long days apart, but her eyelids were closing fast.

"Daddy's sorry he stayed at work instead of coming to kiss you goodnight yesterday. He was really was a bad Daddy," she clung to my shirt, letting me know that she didn't give a damn about that, she just wanted me to rock her to sleep.

I kissed her forehead again, realizing just how much I had missed her in the past few hours. Her warm breath brushed my chest and she let all of her weight press against me, too stubborn to let go of me easily.

"Daddy's sorry he yelled at Mommy too. She had every right to yell back at him. I'm sorry I woke you up tonight Peanut. I am so sorry."

She was fast asleep, her even breathing filling the silence. I stood up to put her back in her crib and Meredith leaned closer, kissing her forehead but leaving me to put her back to sleep. She clung to my shirt with her tiny, ineffectual fists, unwilling to let go, but after another goodnight kiss she gently released me, rolling onto her stomach after I laid her down, her thumb still clasped in her mouth.

Meredith locked her gaze onto mine again, and then she walked out. I heard the water start to run in the bathroom.

When she joined me in bed, I was surprised: I had thought she would rather sleep on the floor or maybe kick me downstairs to sleep on the couch for being such a brainless ass. My surprise was even greater when she lied right next to me, wrapping her arms around my chest and burying her face in my shoulder. Her lavender scent was filling the air, drudging up even more guilt.

I missed her.

She started sobbing in a matter of seconds, all of the tears she'd held in all night so as to not break down in front of our daughter. I wrapped her in my arms, holding her tightly. I grazed my lips lightly over the top of her head. "I'm sorry too...I shouldn't...I haven't..." she stammered, still sighing, her tears were running wildly down her cheeks to my t-shirt.

"Shhh, it's okay. We're good." I tightened my hold on her, letting her know that I had forgiven her and I wasn't going anywhere.

"We're not," she sniffed, nuzzling her face in the crook of my neck and shaking it.

"We are."

"We can't do that to Alice."

"I know. It was bad."

She had calmed her sobbing, wiping away some tears, her voice was still muffled, but she was facing me now, her eyes piercing right into mine.

"I was the one who overreacted and started the yelling," she said, a veil of guilt covering her gaze. "I kicked you out of our home, Derek." She uttered my name in a whisper, soft and gentle. Caring, just like her.

"I deserved it."

"I wouldn't have been so mad if you had just called. You can stay at work when you need to, just bother to call so that I know what to tell Alice," she continued softly, the harshness washed away with her tears.

"I'm so sorry. I won't stay any more when I'm not on call."

"Please," the tone of her plea brought tears to my eyes, but I blinked them away.

"I promise I'll be better," I wiped away her last tears, kissing her forehead.

"Thank you. At least for Alice, do that for her."

"I'm doing this for us, not only for her." I could see the old uncertainty in her eyes, her healed wounds were cracking open and her childhood issues were coming back to the surface. Walls were about to be built again, and I didn't want to be locked out. "I love you, no matter what. For good and bad, Meredith, that's what marriage is all about."

"You still believe we can make it?" tears were still shimmering in her eyes and I wanted to just take all of them away.

"Don't you?"

"I do. It's...Sometimes it seems like everything's different than before…" she hesitated.

"You mean Alice?"

"Mostly, but not just her, I don't know what it is actually," she admitted.

"We haven't had time for ourselves lately; it's been a tough summer. I know you'd love to be on a beach somewhere," I tried to lighten up the situation a little bit, hoping to see her smiling again.

"That's not the point. I like Seattle in summer. It's just us...something's not working anymore and we used to be so good at making things work," she sighed. We had been through so much I don't even know how we got through everything.

"Yeah, we were."

"Did you miss me last night?" she whispered, probably afraid of my answer.

"Yeah. Did you?"

"I was able to sleep without you. I couldn't do that before. I had to bring Alice into our bed to get a decent night's sleep," she stated. And it hurt.

"We have a problem," I sighed, wrapping my arms around her tiny frame even tighter.

"I don't know. I don't want to make something big over nothing, something that we can't fix. I promised Alice she would have it better than me. I promised..." she choked at the thought unable to utter anything more, her hand grasped my t-shirt tightly and her eyes brimmed with tears again.

"We are keeping our promises."

She silently rested her head on my chest again, breaking our gaze and wiping her cheeks clean. I wrapped my arms back around her, brushing her damp hair with my fingers.

"Can you hold me tonight?" she hesitated.

"You don't even have to ask."

"I think I do."

She choked down another sob, sniffling, and I knew that everything was my fault. Something more than just the yelling was bothering her, and she was right. I hadn't held her in the past three nights. The last two I was at the hospital, but the first one, I had just rolled onto my side when she'd turned her back to me.

She was exhausted and I didn't even hold her, for three nights straight. And I almost missed my daughter's goodnight kiss again.

"Would you make love to me Derek?" She still had tears gathered at the corner of her eyes and her cheeks were wet, so I kissed everything away. "Please."

She was about to cry again. I started moving my kisses to her jaw, and down her neck. She leaned closer to me, sighing.

"I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you somehow." I needed to say it, if not for her comfort, for mine. I felt like crap for treating her like that again, after all the beautiful moments she had given me.

"You already are, Derek. Thank you," she whispered and her forgiveness meant more than anything. Once more, she was the strong one.

"We are worth the fight, remember."

"I won't forget."

She lightened up, and then crashed her lips into mine. Her eyelids closed for a moment and I was afraid to ruin the moment and make her angry again if I pointed it out.

"Derek," she sighed, pulling away.

"Hmm…"

"Can you just hold me? I'm so tired tonight," she paused, gathering her strength back. "We'll make love in the morning."

"I'll kiss you good night, then." The corner of her lips straightened for a second at my attempt to lighten the mood and I smiled, my own face matching her tired features.

"We can have a goodnight quickie if you want to," she suggested.

"I can hold it off till tomorrow if you need sleep."

"I know. I don't know if I'll be able to," she smiled wryly, brushing her hand from my chest down my tight, tiredness obvious on her face.

"Goodnight quickie, then?" I asked, my hands already caressing her skin in the way she loved the most.

"Definitely," she trailed her hands under my t-shirt before pulling it off and throwing it on the floor, rolling on top of me.

"Thank you," she added, before kissing me again and going from my lips down to my chest, fidgeting with the waistband of my boxers. "I love you, Derek."

"I love you Meredith. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I'll never stop loving you."

She smiled, widely this time, finally all if the uncertainty had faded from her eyes and mine were able to lock onto to her perfect gray-green gaze, melting my heart.

* * *

**AN: I hope you liked this chapter, it was short, I know, I just cleared up the mess.**

**Alright, thank you for spending some of your time reading my story, I hope I won't need ages to update this again!**


	27. I Promise To Climb Back Up Here To You

**Okay, after the rollercoaster of the past two chapters and their fight, everything is back to normal. Derek is the storyteller for this chapter and I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as well. I managed a quick update, I think I'm getting back on track...**

**The song for this chapter is Non Believer by LaRocca. I got attached to this song after hearing it on One Tree Hill and it's particularly dear to me. I had to use it somewhere. Listen to it, it's beautiful. **

**Well, I'll let you read the chapter now!**

* * *

**Part 25 – I Promise To Climb Back Up Here To You**

_Love is a trap._

_When it appears, we see only its light, not its shadows._

_Paulo Coelho_

* * *

The light was softly illuminating the room. Meredith's soft snoring filled the silence as I opened my eyes to a new day. My doctor clock woke me up before the alarm, but I didn't regret a single second. She was so beautiful in the morning. Her breath hitched in her throat and I knew she was awake when she snuggled closer to me. I loosely wrapped my arms around her bare waist. Her hands began grazing absentmindedly over my skin. She shifted to lay half on top of me, gently kissing the remaining scar on my bare chest, her eyes were still shut but a small smile curled her rosy lips, preparing for a new round. Her hands were caressing everywhere, her skin touching mine in every place possible, when we heard Alice's soft prattle coming from the baby monitor.

"I'll get her," she smiled knowingly at the sound, trailing her fingers down my chest and brushing her lips over mine before standing up grabbing some clothes from the drawer.

I realized just how much I had missed her during the mornings that I hadn't been around. Not just because of the love making, mostly because of her soft hands brushing my cheeks, her sleepy lips on mine and her growls to get some more well-deserved sleep when the alarm shrieked out into the quiet. Every day Alice sounded more and more like her in the morning and I loved it.

"Get your shower, I'll get her, and I'll fix breakfast for all of us," I whispered while she tugged on the first t-shirt she found, which strangely happened to be mine. She had claimed my side of the closet as her own when she was at home and I really didn't mind it.

"You're going to work early?" she asked, a relaxed smile adorning her lips.

"Yeah."

"For the record, I'm craving waffles," she said, an evident hint of mockery in her eyes. Just like that, she had became perfect again and I regretted the time I'd missed the past week even more, _p__robably the past __few __weeks, actually_.

"Cravings, I miss those..." I smirked, playing along with her joke.

"You didn't seem to miss them, let's say, uh, a year ago?" She laughed, and came closer to kiss me again, before I could stand up. She had the weirdest cravings at every hour of the day and night while she was pregnant, but I would have done anything for her.

"I've missed you. I'm sorry," I whispered, when our foreheads touched and her lips hovered over mine. I knew apologizing wasn't enough. I needed to prove to her that I wasn't planning on going anywhere, as I promised. She needed something to hold on to, to keep my promise of dying at one-hundred-and-ten in her arms.

"Its okay, Derek," she answered softly, with the tone she always reserved for us, after making love. It was one of my favorite parts of her sweet voice "Go get the prattler or she'll crawl out, and I really don't like to even think about that possibility."

She grabbed my stubble with two of her fingers, gently brushed my lips again, and then walked to the bathroom, the smile lingering on her lips.

Alice's room was filled with her babbling, a quiet chat with her favorite frog. As soon as I stepped foot in her room she sat up, noticing me and stretching a perfect two-toothed smile. She was getting so big and missing two days in a row wasn't helping to push away that feeling. She turned back to her frog, so I spooned her in my arms and she giggled happily, tossing her frog in the crib and slapping my face. She loves to do that every day, when she's extremely happy, especially when she wakes up and it's a good day. She didn't really appreciate my two-day-old beard though, so she growled a little at the scratchy feeling under her small, chubby fingers. Then she held out her hand again to discover what the new new thing on my face was.

She was more curious and more aware of the world around her every day. I knew that in a blink she was going to be a toddler. I smiled and she giggled, "Da-da," with all of her morning energy. I didn't know how she could be so happy at seven after three rough nights in a row, but she was and her smile was contagious.

"Ma-ma!" she pointed over my shoulder with her chubby little hand, smiling even more widely. When I turned around I saw a gloriously beautiful, freshly showered Meredith smiling at me. I just wanted to lean closer and kiss her, and tell her that everything was going to be alright even if I yelled, because the only thing I could see in that moment was the gorgeous woman I had almost let slip out of my grasp and the perfect child she had given me. I smiled back, locking my eyes with hers after sweeping my eyes over her in a glance and saving it for the rest of the busy day ahead.

"I thought you were making waffles" she joked, walking in to scoop Alice into her own arms when she held her little hands out to her, then she quickly kissed me, a habit that we almost lost.

"We were busy figuring out what a two-day beard is. I'll make waffles right away." I smiled at the baby nuzzled in her arms, who giggled when I tickled her round belly.

"That's fine, we'll have to grab them at the cafeteria or we're gonna be late."

"Right, you have your big surgery."

I smiled at her, as Alice brushed Meredith's cheeks to check for signs of a beard on hers too and we both laughed. I left them in the nursery, while I took a quick shower, then we headed to the hospital after giving Alice a bottle and gladly sipping our coffees.

The work day started out hectically: two incoming traumas in the ER and all the neurosurgeons in the department were busy with all kinds of stuff after a bad pile-up on the I5. I had to postpone my big surgery with Meredith of four hours, waiting for an OR to clear.

I had a whole hour to plan some things before I needed scrub in: I wanted to surprise Meredith. We both needed some time for us, but we'd used our leaves and various sick days in the first few months after Alice was born. We weren't going to be able to get a week off anytime soon. Besides, Alice was still too little to be left alone for more than a night, let alone an entire weekend or a whole week. _She had to be at least eighteen to be left alone an entire week without us!_

"Richard," I called when I spotted man on the other side of the hall. He walked closer.

"I heard you have great business in an hour..." was his way to say hello.

"You heard right. I'm just asking..."

I began speaking, before he cut me off, visibly worried "What the hell do you want to do in my OR?"

"It's not about the OR," I smiled. I had a long record of overthrowing rules in the OR and he had a right to be worried.

"Good. Meredith's scrubbing in with you? I saw her gloat to Yang this morning," he smirked.

"Yeah," a grin stretched across my face just thinking about her face and Cristina's. "I may need something Chief."

"Alice's sick?" he immediately became concerned again and in that moment I realized that if I didn't quickly get to the point we would have to spend my whole free hour in the hall chatting.

"No, not at all. I just want a weekend off, any weekend."

"Long weekend?" he looked at me carefully, frowning at my request.

"I want to take the girls to the beach."

"Girls?" he really looked amused and I couldn't blame him.

"Yeah, don't mind my bad word choice," I chuckled. It felt right, though, they were certainly my favorite girls. He laughed, leaving his chart on the desk and sliding it to the nurse.

"Okay Shepherd. You and Meredith have the first weekend in September off already, right? I'm just adding one day to your planned vacation. You have to get your shift covered on your own, and be back on Monday at seven sharp or I'll kick your asses. Both of you, I'm leaving Alice out of the argument," he smiled softly. I knew he had a soft spot for her.

"Thank you. I really owe you one." I patted his shoulder, grateful that everything was going as planned.

"Derek," I was walking away when his voice stopped me, his eyes a little concerned. "Is everything alright between you and Meredith?"

"Yeah," I sighed, but it was easier lying than admitting that I had been an ass for the past few weeks.

"Good. I thought that this was a make-up trip, something seemed wrong."

"No, it's just a family vacation. Thanks for caring though," I dismissed, before dwelling some more on the fact that Meredith had looked off the whole time and I had never noticed.

"Go get your cool surgery done, Shepherd!"

He was the one to walk away then, and I stood there, motionless, for a second, before rushing to my OR.

Meredith was already scrubbing in and greeted me with a soft kiss, before going into the sterile room and starting to interact with the little girl on the table. I could hear her giggling through the glass and I realized once more how much I missed that sound.

"You know, I have a girl just like you? She's littler though..." she trailed off, trying to settle the girl on the table a little more comfortably.

"Girl?" the soft brown eyes of the girl flickered in surprise to Meredith and they begged for more details.

"Yep, her name is Alice." The simple way she spoke her name gave away how much she loved her.

"I, Lisa," the girl smiled brightly, and I realized that it was my turn to slice through the peaceful atmosphere.

"I know. There's Dr. Shepherd," she said, tilting up her head and smiling at me as I walked in the OR. Her eyes were grinning, just like her perfect lips behind the mask and once more, something snapped in my heart, feeling like an even greater ass for hurting her.

"Ottor Shep!" The little girl smiled too, her eyes meeting mine, just the slightest hint of doubt there.

"Hey Lisa, are you ready?" She nodded, the smile faltering a bit.

"I walk?" Her tone was serious but hopeful as the anesthesiologist put the mask on her small face

"I'll do my best, I promise."

The girl looked at me first, and then to Meredith, who touched her arm lightly before the anesthesia kicked in. It was such a motherly gesture that it reminded me of what a good doctor she was becoming, and how scary it was to think about the remote possibility that it could have been Alice on my table. Maybe not my table, but an OR table anyway. I shrugged the feeling away, but she still noticed.

"You okay?" Meredith whispered behind her mask, her body's close proximity providing a kind of comfort and understanding. Probably the same thought was racing through her mind as well. My eyes twinkled with her favorite smile, just to see the expression mirrored on hers.

"It's a beautiful night to save lives. Let's have some fun," was my answer.

She moved across the table, carefully observing and keeping up with my tricky questions every time I asked. I couldn't help but meet her gaze from time to time, when I stretched my neck or my fingers during the procedure and I was always rewarded with a smile.

When we scrubbed out we were both tired, but the excitement of the surgery just about made me forget it completely: we had given leg function to a two-year-old girl that had never walked, surgeries like those where the reason why I had wanted to be a surgeon in the first place.

Meredith's tired smile brightened the scrub room and the grin we shared was so intimate and tender that I hated to open the door, interrupting the idyllic gaze between us.

"Lunch?" she managed to ask, her smile still on when we both snapped out of our little cocoon.

"Snack I'd say. It's almost dinner time." We both laughed, walking out of the room.

I couldn't help but hold her hand on the way to the cafeteria and she didn't really seem to mind it. It was actually nice to intertwine our fingers so intimately in public, even if we've never displayed affection so directly at the hospital. Since she had gotten pregnant with Alice it was easier though: everybody stared anyway.

"Thank you for letting me assist," she said. Her smile widened as we sat down with our trays in a far corner of the cafeteria, looking for some quiet. I let her do about one-third of the procedure and close up. I've never seen her that happy.

"You did great," I replied and I didn't need to fake it. She was one of the most promising residents I've ever met.

"You want me to monitor Lisa through the night? I'm on-call," she offered, sighing at the mere idea of staying here a little while longer and leaving Alice home.

"She'll be glad to see a familiar face."

"You'll have to fix dinner for Alice. I forgot to freeze leftovers yesterday." She smiled apologetically in the cutest way.

"We are going to miss you tonight."

"I know. I'm going to miss you too." I laced my fingers through hers over the table and she smiled softly.

"It's going better, right?" she asked, after chewing a huge bite of her sandwich, breaking the quiet that had settled comfortably between us. Silences between us had always been comfortable when we were happy.

"Us?"

She nodded, still chewing the following bite. "Yeah, I think so," I admitted, knowing that I was the one that screwed things up.

"How do you think it happened?" she asked innocently, and I have to admit I'd asked myself that question many times while I was lying on the cold grass in our yard.

"We were too busy, maybe. It was hard to adapt to all the new things this year has brought us," I guessed and she nodded.

"I'm glad we realized it on time."

"Do you think we need more family time?" I subtly revealed my first card for the plan for the first weekend in September.

"Maybe, maybe not, we don't have any more days off anyway; we'll just have to make the best out of what we have," she sighed, her tired figure screaming that she needed a break from everything and she didn't know how to get one.

"When is our first day off together?" I played dumb, rubbing her hand with my thumb.

"The first weekend in September, we should plan something that day; maybe take Alice to the zoo or something."

"Zoo?" a small smile appeared on my lips.

"Kids are keen on animals," she mumbled. She had that old look of uncertainty in her eyes, as if everything she did for Alice was wrong and she wouldn't ever be good enough. "A farm would be better though, so she can touch animals and see them running free or whatever. Right?" She carefully analyzed my reaction, narrowing her eyes.

"Yeah, I think she'll love it," I smiled, because the way in which she rambled was close to perfection. One more thing I missed.

"Okay, you don't like animals," she dismissed, when I didn't add anything.

"I love animals and I love how hard you work to make our daughter's life so special. And I love you." I caressed her cheeks with my fingers, quickly kissing the tip of her nose.

"I love you too," she blushed, hiding her smile.

"And the blushing. I love it as well."

"I am not blushing!"

"If you say so." I inched closer and kissed her softly on the lips, ending the teasing. I had to plan a visit to a farm during our little vacation, then.

* * *

**AN: Things are going better and we are back to the old fluff or almost there. I hope you're happy with it.**

**What did you think about the last Grey's? Apart the adorable baby, you know...I don't mind them adopting, even if I didn't liked the business-like wedding. I'm more disappointed in that than anything else, but anyway...**


	28. Love Is A Cure

**I made quick updates this week, right? I had trouble with my e-mail account or I would have updated even yesterday. I was just too pissed off to edit anything. ****Anyway, I wish those problems will resolve quickly, in the mean time, chapter 26. **

**'Love is a cure' is the second line of Kate Havnevik's song Timeless and I thought it was a good title for this chapter. It's a little bit of a go-between till the end of this story. Yep, YSCM is getting to an end and I'm sorry to say it. I managed to finish both the stories I published and I'm kind of proud. I'm gonna miss posting, but don't worry, I have lots of new stories in the editing/creative phase. We'll see what can I get out of the ideas before I'll post again. **

**I warn you that I will be on a hiatus after I'll finish with this story, due to exams, but I'll try to be back as soon as possible.**

**I stop rambling now, I'll leave it to Meredith. Thank you for still reading I really appreciate all your feedback!**

**Part 26**** – Love Is A Cure**

_Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,__  
__But bears it out even to the edge of doom._

_William Shakespeare_

* * *

When I saw Derek in the lobby cradling Alice on his hip, I realized it was morning and I hadn't slept a wink my whole shift. I'd monitored Lisa all night and she woke up groggy and able to twirl her toes. Her mother had started hugging me, but I thought Derek was the one who deserved the hugging.

"Dr. Grey, thank you so much," the woman was in tears.

"Oh, that man over there is the one to hug," I pointed at Derek, who was now juggling to keep Alice on his hip with his briefcase in the opposite hand and at the same time put his keys in the pocket of his jeans. He grinned at me, pleading for help with his eyes.

"Excuse me Mrs. Halling," I smiled at the woman in front of me. She picked a tissue out of her bag to wipe away her tears of happiness.

I walked towards him calmly, noticing that Alice still looked half asleep and he looked like he hadn't gotten much more sleep than I did. Handsome as always, but tired nonetheless.

"Good morning," he greeted me, kissing me softly on the lips, unable to do anything more because of his hands were full.

"Ma-ma," Alice babbled, holding her arms out to me and raising her head from Derek's shoulder. I scooped her into my arms and she rested her sleepy head on my shoulder just like she had with Derek. I balanced her on my hip, trying to help Derek.

"We missed you," he smiled widely, softly kissing me again.

"I missed you too. Both of you," I said, kissing Alice's forehead as well, before she could complain over a lack of attention. "Mrs. Halling wants to hug you."

"I assume Lisa's fine," his smile brightened.

"She twirled her toes," I replied with the same excitement.

Derek smiled proudly and looked at me with a look that almost made me forget that I was holding our daughter in my arms, that we were in the lobby, and that I had been up all night working.

We walked back over to the woman, who was patiently waiting for us in a chair. Her whole stature was a hundred times more relaxed than she'd been the whole night, hovering over her daughter's bedside. I couldn't even try to hide how much this case had affected me, because every time I went into Lisa's room I wondered what it would be like to be in Mrs. Halling shoes, and have to watch your daughter have a life-saving surgery when she was barely three years old. The mere thought was more than scary.

"Is that your daughter?" the woman's voice reached my ear

"Yeah Mrs. Halling, we're married," Derek said proudly, before I could speak, placing his hand on the small of my back.

"She's a beauty. Now I get why you've been so caring with my Lisa." She turned her attention to me, probably reminding herself of every attempt I had made to make Lisa comfortable in the last few hours. "I'm sorry I kept you here all night instead of being with your beautiful family."

"It's my job," I replied calmly. It was hard though, to be away when I had to deal with cases like those.

"Thank you again Dr. Grey and you Dr. Shepherd, I'll never stop thanking you," she said, finally bear-hugging Derek.

I smirked at her gesture and saw how comfortable Derek looked when people hugged him. I noticed Alice dozing off on my shoulder and I just wanted to do the same and go home with her, snuggling up on the couch all day.

Mrs. Halling went back to Lisa's room and I went with Derek to his office.

"She just didn't want to go to sleep yesterday night," he mumbled when he finally settled in, looking just as tired as me.

"It's the water. She gets upset when you bathe her before bed, lately," I recalled, absentmindedly, still trying to figure out when that had actually started.

"Since when?" he asked, concerned to have done something wrong while I was away.

"Couple of days, maybe four," I frowned, trying to recall the exact day.

"Oh," his scowl was eloquent, his eyes darting over my shoulders and avoiding mine. They screamed guilt and all reminded me of all of the sad things we were trying to get over.

"I'm sorry," I tried to make things a little easier on him, but it didn't seem to work.

"Its fine," he cut me off sharply, using my brand line for avoidance. None of this was fine with him.

"Are you checking on Lisa?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"I'm taking Alice to daycare, then I'll change and I'll visit her."

"Look, I still have two hours of charts left. We can check on Lisa together. Then I'll finish my paperwork, and I'll go home. Alice doesn't need daycare today." I really wanted to spend some quiet time with her

"You should get some rest."

"I'll nap with her at home. It's fine."

He kissed me. Then he kissed the top of my head and Alice's, smiling.

"You look so beautiful this morning," he added, before walking away and leaving me stunned in the middle of his office. _I just worked twenty hours straight __and I looked beautiful_.

Alice twisting around brought me back to the real world where I was just a tired surgeon, still in her scrubs, with a sleepy baby girl in her arms, and two hours of charts ahead. I sat in the residents' lounge to chart, and I ended up napping with Alice on my chest. She was actually the one who woke me up, with her lovely I've-just-woken-up prattle, slapping my cheeks and bringing a smile to my face even before I realized that I had fallen asleep in the first place. It was too late then to check on Lisa, so I texted Derek that I was going home and that I would see Lisa the following morning.

I've never loved our house in the woods more than after a night on-call. Everything was quiet and somehow, after an entire night of rushing, adrenaline and cold lights, the woods and chirping birds sounded simply perfect.

Alice was crawling, wide awake, on the kitchen floor, exploring the world underneath the table. She was still building up her strength, rolling onto her side to look at me every two pats, stubbornly focused on reaching the stuffed bear she'd thrown on the opposite side of the table from her highchair after lunch.

The sun was shining brightly outside, so I just picked her up from the floor and went outside, letting her crawl on the grass. At first she was a little afraid of the new sensation, carefully exploring the patch around her before crawling away. To make her more comfortable I took off my flip-flops and just enjoyed the summer sun with her.

She got bored quickly, so I took one of her books and sat on the swing under the shade of the porch and the huge oak in our yard and I began reading. Her hands were quick to point out the most colorful animals, learning names, and enjoying my poor, dramatic attempts to recreate their noises.

She was still laughing hard the third time reading it. Then she fell asleep, maybe more because of the rocking and the warm sun than the reading itself. I relaxed as well, taking in the beautiful scenery. When I reopened my eyes, the sun was setting, turning everything a shade darker and if possible even more beautiful. _I loved our home_.

Alice was still sleeping peacefully on my chest so I went inside, waking her up gently. She wasn't very happy about it, so I held her in my arms instead of putting her in the highchair for dinner. I balanced her on my hip as I mashed some potatoes and I mixed them with some meat. Then I prepared some pasta for me and Derek.

I had actually learned to cook a couple of things, following Derek's strict advice all over the cupboards. Finally, I had a nice kitchen and it was still intact after almost a year. Alice, on the other hand, was attracted to everything related to the kitchen and meals and she had always been eager to taste new food_._

_Someday she had to meet Izzie during one of__ her baking bonanza__s__, she would appreciate __it __for sure. Except that I don't even know why she sto__pped answering my phone calls and__ replying to my e-mail__s__. I didn't even know if __she knew Alice existed. If she did it was almost worse, because she had never even thought about visiting_.

"I'm home!" a familiar, happy voice pulled me out of my wandering thoughts.

When Alice heard the sound of Derek's voice in the foyer, she turned away from the stoves to look at the door and, as their gazes met, a wonderful smile stretched across her face, and she clapped her hands. She was simply happy, and it fascinated me. She was perfect and still new to what pain and sorrow really were, so she was just happy to be herself. And somehow she managed to keep me happy as well. Derek took her in his arms and tossed her in the air a couple of times, resulting in giggles and some coughing.

"Sorry," he apologized after I reminded him that she'd just eaten dinner. He walked closer and kissed me deeply, finally putting an end to every thought in my head and almost sweeping me off of my feet. I wasn't so sure I could stand on my own anymore when he stepped back. If Alice was a few years older she would have rolled her eyes at that kiss. I giggled at the thought.

"What?" he smirked cockily and tilted his head to the side, making me want to just full on kiss him again.

"Nothing, I was just thinking about a six-year-old Alice rolling her eyes at that." He laughed too. "I'm glad you're home," I whispered, leaning on his free shoulder while he placed a tender kiss at the top of my head.

"I missed you today. Lisa kept asking about you, but she was happy to know that you'll be visiting tomorrow."

"Of course I will. I missed you too."

He kissed me again, his day-old stubble grazing my skin.

"How was your day?" he continued, changing subject.

"We enjoyed the sun together. Did she get any sleep last night?" I smiled sympathetically at him, knowing that his answer was probably going to be negative.

"Maybe five hours, I think she's teething again," he sighed.

"Yeah. She slept the whole afternoon with me," I added, before he began worrying too much. "Did you get any?"

"Couple of hours after lunch, between surgeries," he looked immensely tired though. Still handsome and sexy, but tired.

"Good. I made dinner," I smiled widely.

"You what? You called in for dinner..." he mocked.

"No, I made pasta, I set the table and I didn't burn anything." I flashed a proud smile. "I followed your directions."

"God, I'm proud." He kissed me senseless again. Then he walked to the kitchen to find steaming spaghetti with tomato sauce already in front of him, while I was still standing in the middle of the kitchen, stunned, after his kiss.

"I have a surprise for you too," he grinned.

"Should I worry?" I found the ability to form words again, somewhere in the back of my mind behind the hazy veil of lust he gave me with his kisses.

"It's gonna be fun, I promise," he smiled widely.

"Hints?"

"You wanna guess?" he joked, but he seemed genuinely taken aback by my question.

"Of course, it's a surprise!" I smirked. I knew he was waiting for me to yell at him about how much I hated surprises and all of that. I just couldn't bring myself to yell at him anymore when he was being so McDreamy after a hellish night and a twelve hour shift.

"Then I'd say...off," he whispered, adding suspense to the hint.

"Off as out? Days off? You're taking us somewhere in September?"

"Hmm," when he hummed like that, it could only mean yes.

"It's about holidays anyway," I smiled, encouraging him to give away more details.

"Yes. But you'll never guess where," he mocked.

"Derek, you're taking us on vacation!" I cocked my head, tears forming in my eyes at the mere idea of us and vacation in the same sentence.

We have never been that kind of couple, with so little time, and so many things on our minds. The infamous forty-eight, uninterrupted hours somewhere in wine country was still on hold. But it couldn't be that, especially Alice had to be going; I couldn't leave her with someone for a weekend out of the blue.

He sat at the table, holding Alice in his lap and eating. I sat across from him and put my hand over his, my eyes glittering. Alice placed her chubby hand over mine and we burst into laughter. She looked up at us, perplexed, before grabbing a bunch of Derek's spaghetti and putting it in her mouth ungraciously. She splat her whole face with sauce in the attempt to find the right place to put it, but she seemed to enjoy the new discovery. _M__aybe she was still hungry_. She picked up another one and gripped it with her hands happily, first turning it upside down and examining it as she twisted it around in her chubby, inaccurate fingers, trying to understand what it was. Then she brought it up to her mouth and clapped her hands when she succeeded in swallowing it all. She turned to Derek and slapped his face before he was able to clean her hands, so he was covered in sauce as well. The corner of his lips curled up and he tried to maintain some kind of composure while he faked his best upset face.

"Alice, you don't cover Daddy with sauce," I tried to stay serious, but I couldn't help but grin. She clapped her hands and held them out to me.

"Nope, not Mommy either," added Derek, unable to take the grin off of his face as well. I grabbed her hands and she reluctantly let me clean her, before beginning her ritual again. I prepared her plastic bowl and her fork with some spaghetti just for her, but she just ignored the fork, happily throwing her hands into the sauce.

I was glad I hadn't bathed her yet, and I hadn't showered either. Her bath time, in fact, turned out to be even funnier: it was one of the few times she had both me and Derek taking care of her together so she just marveled us with giggles and barely-teethed grins. When I wrapped her in the towel and I put her diaper on, she was already dozing off, the bath having had a toll on her. I put her onesie on and Derek rocked her in his arms for a second until she was completely asleep, clinging as always to his t-shirt.

When we climbed in our own bed, I did the same as she did, just kissing him first.

"That was a night," he chuckled, molding our bodies closely together as I laid my head on his chest.

"She's amazing, Derek."

"I know."

"She's our daughter."

"You still can't believe it either, can you?" he grinned and I just shook my head, before he kissed the top of it.

"We're actually going away for a weekend?" I asked, his words still ringing through my head.

"No kidding, we'll leave Friday morning and we'll be back at work on Monday at seven sharp."

"Friday?" my eyes widened. We weren't supposed to be off on Friday.

"I pleaded with Richard. Maybe I'll have to do his post-ops for years, but it'll be worth the trip," he smirked.

"You think?"

"That's a nice way to try and get some more information," he kissed me lightly, trying to divert my attention and he succeeded.

"Surprise me, Derek," I smirked wryly.

"Is that dirty or am I just imagining it?" he smiled and I couldn't help but grin back at him.

"It can be."

"If we keep it quiet?"

"Nope, if you're not too sleepy!" I hit his chest, kissing him. "I think your skin still tastes like tomato sauce..." we both laughed when we remembered the events of the night.

"Wanna try it?"

* * *

**AN: This was pure fluff and I'm not ashamed. The story is winding down, just let me have some more fluffy moments here =D**

**Thanks for reading the chapter!**


	29. Where The Road Meets The Sun

**Hey there, readers! I had a fair amount of updates this week, right? Don't get used to it though, the next one is already crazy on paper, so...**

**I needed to consult my Beta to decide the title for this new chapter, but I finally chose this song by Katie Herzig and Matthew Perryman Jones. I bet I already used it somewhere, but you know how limited my choices are sometimes...I hope you won't mind much.**

**Anyway, we are back with Derek's PoV, read and enjoy...**

**Part 27 – Where ****the**** Road Meets ****the**** Sun**

_Then a silence suffuses the story,__  
And a softness the teller's eye;__  
And the children no further question,__  
And only the waves reply._

_Emily Dickinson_

* * *

The following few weeks Meredith tried to guess our destination. I helped her pack, and she still didn't have a clue.

"Swimsuits? We don't have a swimsuit for Alice, Derek!" she reproached while she read over the list of what we had to pack, clearly freaking out. Somehow, it was even cuter than when she rambled endlessly, her pacing the bedroom with the list clutched in her hand like a lifeline. I grinned.

"I know. I just want to see you in a bikini again," I joked. _The last time, at the lake, was pretty memorable_.

"I'm serious. Do we need to get one?" she glared.

"It will probably be too cold anyway. It's September there too..." I kept my statement vague and she sighed loudly, clearly declaring how uncomfortable she was with the situation.

"Just tell me where we're going. I'm going nuts!" she pouted, throwing a bunch of t-shirts into a suitcase.

"That's why my mouth is sealed," I smirked.

"Don't complain when you can't find your favorite t-shirt or whatever then," she snapped.

"Fine," I let her vent on me, in the end I was the one keeping secrets, not her.

"Fine!"

I reached for her waist when she passed in front of me, and gave her a quick kiss. She was freaking out, just like she did every time there was some kind of surprise. She wasn't a surprise kind of girl, but she had held it off until we'd started packing. She seemed so okay with it before that I thought the fear of surprises was finally gone, but I was clearly wrong.

"It's gonna be okay," I said, running my hand over her back. Immediately, she relaxed, leaning into my chest.

"I know. I'm sorry, I'm really freaking out," she admitted.

"If you don't like the place we're going we can always come back."

"It's not that far then," a wide smile appeared on her face and she looked up mischievously, realizing she had just gotten another hint about the destination.

"We are going by car, and I hope Alice will sleep through it." I tried to keep my cards hidden but I needed to reveal some things at that point.

"A long trip by car...and swimsuits," she stopped for a moment, knitting her eyebrows together, deep in thought. Then she squealed, "Amy! We're going to visit Amy in Los Angeles!"

"Nope," I smirked, unable to keep the grin off my face as she processed and realized she still didn't know where we were going.

"We would have taken a plane, right?" she sighed, coming to terms with the same thoughts that were in my head. "So where? A lake in Canada? Don't even think about me bathing in a cold Canadian lake while you're all busy fishing!" she rambled. I laughed, hard, and she scowled. "Don't laugh at me Derek." she snapped, back into full freak out mood.

"Sorry. You freaking out is cute. I love your ramblings," I admitted, and her face softened, like I had finally touched the right spot to calm her down.

"All of this is killing me. You know that, right?" she sighed again, finally starting to accept it.

"I know," I grinned.

"We'll be leaving in an hour and I still don't know where we're going."

"Would you mind helping me put the suitcases in the trunk?" I said, changing the subject.

"Whatever," she said, shaking her head with a small smile.

Maybe we had made too much noise, because suddenly Alice's cries echoed through the baby monitor. "Saved by the cry," Meredith mocked, smirking, karma clearly on her side.

She went upstairs to get Alice, leaving me with an entire closet of stuff to put in a very tiny space. We were light packers, before Alice. Now, all of her things were everywhere. I was resorting to using every possible space to stick them in. I felt like I was playing Tetris.

When I was finished shoving everything in the trunk, I found the two of them on the couch: the little one with her bottle of milk, snuggling in Meredith's arms.

"If we go now maybe she'll go back to sleep in the car," Meredith suggested, so I picked up the last of the stuff and left the door open so that she could carry Alice, who was still in her pyjamas, out. Meredith sat in the back of the car, buckling Alice in, and mumbling something to her that sounded a lot like a lullaby, until her eyes were completely closed. Then she kissed Alice's forehead and leaned back in the seat, looking at me through the rearview mirror, smirking.

I smiled back, trying to keep an eye on the road and the other on the back seat. Alice was sleeping soundly, her head tilted to the side, towards Meredith. Her hands were still clutching the empty bottle of milk, even though it was with less strength than before. Meredith was simply staring at her in awe, brushing her curls in a soothing gesture.

"What?" she asked with a smile, noticing my gaze on them as soon as she looked up.

"Nothing. You were singing her a lullaby."

"No, I wasn't." She blushed, clearly embarrassed.

"You so were."

"No."

"Yes."

"Okay, you win. I sing lullabies because you tell her stories." She pouted, and my smile widened. I enjoyed the fact that a smile curled her lips once again when she shifted her gaze to Alice.

"It was..." I looked for the right word, but it seemed like nothing was good enough.

"Corny? Weird? Unbelievable?" She chuckled nervously, almost as if she was ashamed of humming lullabies.

"I loved it. I remember listening to my mother sing lullabies to Amy. I always sat next to her, before falling asleep as well." I added, telling her it was okay to sing, that she was doing great. But her gaze drifted away and I knew that I should have kept that last sentence to myself. She had been on edge all day because of the secret location of our vacation, and maybe I should have just enjoyed the two of them sharing a tender moment in the backseat without commenting.

"You were so focused on Alice that you didn't even bother to worry about where we're headed." I tried to change subject, hoping to bring back her smile.

"We're driving to Oregon, I think, or California, maybe Arizona; South somewhere," she mumbled, almost as if she was scanning a mental map of the closest famous locations. _But if she looked for famous she was going to end up with not__h__ing..._

"I think I might tell you," I finally gave in. After all, there were only a few hours left before we were supposed to arrive.

"I got it, right? Oregon?" She finally smiled and nothing would have kept me from telling her just then, because she was happy.

"Nope, you got close. It's still in Washington, but I thought it could be fun..."

"You're taking us on vacation, Derek. On the beach!" she interrupted.

"You have all ready used that line and no, technically, it is not just a beach." I smirked.

"Please tell me it isn't a super fancy hotel with who knows what else." Her eyes widened in fear. She had never really liked big, fancy hotels and I couldn't blame her.

"It's a farm, with animals, and a private access to the beach from the apartment." I smiled, taking in her reaction. The huge smile meant that she really was okay with my idea.

"Oh my God," she was pleasantly overwhelmed. "How long have you been planning this?"

"A while. We had a rough summer and I wanted to surprise you," I admitted in a whisper.

"You did. It's going to be amazing. Alice will love it." She looked at me with an adoring gaze. It had been a while since I had seen one of those looks on her face and I regretted neglecting her even more, if just for a little while. Again, I promised myself that I would never do to her what I had done to Addison, because I couldn't do it anymore, especially not to her. Not after she gave me Alice.

"I know." I kept smiling, imagining Alice's reaction to the whole trip, our first official vacation as a family. I noticed Meredith's hand caressing Alice's forearm when she moved in her sleep, maybe caught up in a dream.

"We can take turns if you're tired of driving," she suggested after a few moments of peaceful quiet. Silence was rarely awkward with her.

"You're too comfortable back there," I smirked.

"I just love watching her sleep," she sighed, voicing what she would have often considered corny; deep down, she loved being corny.

"I know. It means she's not crawling around," I chuckled.

"I never thought I could be like this: married, singing my daughter to sleep while we're going to a farm for the weekend," she thought out loud. "It's..."

"Doesn't it feel good?" Immediately I noticed her hesitation, and popped the question accidentally.

"It feels awesome," she grinned, and it would have been a good enough answer for someone who didn't know her very well.

"But?"

"Nothing," she shook her head, looking out the window.

"You can tell me, we still have a good three hours to drive." I smiled encouragingly.

"It's something sad and I don't want to associate sadness with today. It is going to be a happy day, a happy weekend." She forced a smile.

"You can be sad for a while."

She paused for a second, glancing over at Alice to some point outside the window, suddenly very entertained.

"I think my mother would have been a great grandmother. The mother she never was. Or Susan, maybe..." she spoke, after a long span of silence.

"Meredith," I tried to comfort her.

"I told you," she sighed, starting to snap.

"It's okay. It's good to miss the people you loved."

"I have never loved her this much Derek, and she's gone. She'll never know. It will be the same between Alice I because at some point I'll screw things up, and she won't talk to me again and..." she started to ramble and I broke her off with a smile, before the tears forming in her eyes could fall.

"Stop right there. Did your mother sing you to sleep? Or suggest a place for you to go for a vacation? Hold you through a sleepless night, knowing that she had to work in the morning? Cook you dinner even though she didn't have a clue of how to do it? Sit with you on the floor and play with your toys even though she had to finish some paperwork she had brought home?" questions rolled out of my mouth like grains on a rosary.

She gazed out again, knowing that every answer to my questions would have been negative, and tears brimmed her eyes. I hated having to remind her how much her mother screwed up with her to show her what a beautiful mother she was.

"Alice will never turn her back on you, and if she does I'll drag her back anyway that I can." I tried to keep the tone light.

"Derek..." she sighed, hurt and fear dripping from every letter of my name.

"She loves you too. And your mother loved you."

"I failed her," her voice shook and she looked at the hands in her lap, fidgeting with her wedding ring. I was really happy when she had decided to wear a ring, except for when she fidgeted with it to avoid certain subjects.

"Your mother?" I know I looked puzzled, because she shook her head in response.

"Alice. She could have been a spoiled little sister, always protected by her brother, and..."

The tears she was no longer able to control spilled down her cheeks and I sighed. A sudden need to pull over and hug her washed over me.

"You didn't fail her. You couldn't help the miscarriage. Besides, it was mostly my fault, not yours. I'm the one to blame her future on."

It had been a long time since we'd brought up that topic. Since Alice was with us for good, knowing that she won't ever go, it was harder to think back on that awful day. But it happened. And talking about it still hit us hard. It was like throwing salt on an old wound that may never heal completely. Especially for her, because she hadn't had the proper time to grieve over our loss while she was busy tending to a sick me. The boiling anger that I was so good at bottling up resurfaced, because she never deserved this, she had been through so much in her life and she didn't need this too.

"I lost him," she sniffled.

"I got shot in front of you. I know the 'dying in your arms' feeling." Her face darkened and I instantly regretted my words. They had been meant to comfort, but it had sounded like I wanted to argue with her. "Sorry."

"You're right. You know it. I'm sorry too, I wish you didn't." She went silent, curling herself into a ball, shielding everyone out. Her teary eyes focused on Alice, who seemed a little more restless in her seat.

"She's going to wake up soon and I bet she'll start screaming," stated Meredith, avoiding a conversation that we had to have someday.

"I'll pull over then."

As expected, Alice's piercing cry filled the cab as soon as I stopped the car to stretch my legs. Meredith cradled the baby close to her chest, unbuckling her from the seat and holding her light weight in her arms. I wanted to sit in the backseat and hug both of them, hold her body close and let her cry everything out. Instead she sat in the car alone, while I took a walk, trying to clear my head.

When I got back Alice was still clinging to Meredith's chest. Her mouth was so close to her chest that it seemed as if she was still breastfeeding her, bringing back fond memories. Meredith was rubbing Alice's curls in circles, every day her hair looked more and more like mine. It was almost scary. She was just like Meredith in most other ways. Our baby was sleeping peacefully again and Meredith had stopped crying and, despite her bloodshot eyes, she looked okay.

When she saw that I was back, she buckled Alice again. Then she stood up and came to sit next to me at the front. Maybe she wanted to finish our conversation without disturbing Alice any further.

She brushed my forearm, staring at the road in front of her, and she remained quiet for a long hour, staring. She kept her hand on my forearm while I drove. It meant she wasn't running. She just needed some quiet. And I gave her quiet. I would have given her the moon if she just asked. At some point her eyes closed, but her hand never left my arm.

When I parked the car I noticed that she was still sleeping. Her face was peaceful and relaxed. _Maybe her dreams weren't as bad as her last thoughts._

Finally, I saw the small cabin I had rented for three days and it was even better than what the website had shown. It was small, no more than four rooms, but very nice, with wooden walls and white-paned windows. Some late summer flowers were in pots over the windowsill and a swing was squealing back and forth under the porch.

I took the keys to the place and walked to the other side of the car to wake up Meredith. I brushed her golden hair, a shade lighter under the sun, but she didn't even stiffen. I kissed her forehead and she wiggled; her knee bumped the gear. Her eyes opened reluctantly and I knew how much she'd wanted to get some more sleep from the look she gave me as I smiled down at her. I kissed gently her lips, needing to tell her that I was going to be there no matter what, as much as her hand on my arm reassured me during the whole ride.

"Hey, we're here," I whispered when her eyes finally focused a little bit more, staring at me hovering over her.

"Already?" she mumbled her voice still full of sleep.

"I'll take Alice, then I'll go back for the bags while you explore. She's still sleeping."

"Good," she squeezed her eyes shut.

"Mer?"

"Yeah, I'm up," she smiled. Then she stumbled out of the car while I unbuckled Alice.

She didn't seem bothered at first, but when I carried her inside, she opened her eyes and yawned. She began crying as soon as she realized that she was someplace strange.

"Hey Peanut," Meredith whispered, coming over, and taking her out of the car seat.

"It's okay. We're in the beautiful house Daddy chose for us for the weekend. I think you should open your eyes and take a look at the sea, I'm sure you'll like it."

Alice calmed down when Meredith spoke, and yawned again. She started looking around and seemed fascinated by the new place, taking in all the new objects, sounds, and smells. We were far away from the city, just like when we were on our land, but the smell of wood and pine was suddenly replaced by the salty, windy new smell of the sea she seemed to like. The bright sun was also something she hadn't ever become fully accustomed to, mainly because she lives in Seattle, and she'd only been with us for one summer.

"Ma-ma," she babbled, her way of saying that she loved the place. She turned her amazed face towards Meredith.

"It's beautiful Derek," Meredith echoed. I saw her face and discovered that she was as fascinated as Alice. Her eyes were sparkling in the sun and her lips were curled up in an uncontrollable smile. She looked beautiful standing there in the sun with Alice in her arms, staring at the house in front of her and the ocean right behind. When she looked at me, her eyes seemed to scream 'thank you' and I couldn't help but grin back.

"Let's move inside," I suggested, and she followed patiently.

I turned the key in the lock and the door opened to reveal a well-lit kitchen with a wooden, rustic table and an old-fashioned cupboard, connected to a small living room with a comfortable, worn couch and a bookshelf that covered three whole walls. The other wall was just a huge window with a sliding door leading to a patio and, a few steps further, the warm sand and the ocean. A small staircase led upstairs to the attic where the two bedrooms were located, one in front of the other, both with a window on the ceiling and a delicate smell from some kind of flowers.

Meredith moved back downstairs, took off her shoes and went to the beach, carrying Alice with her. She had a large grin on her face as she walked to the ocean, and I just watched the two of them from our bedroom's window. It seemed like the weight of the world was suddenly lifted from her shoulders and I was glad I had decided to go somewhere that weekend.

I finally joined them on the beach. The perfect sound of the waves mixed with their giggles filled the air.

"There you are!" shrieked Meredith when I grabbed her waist with my arms. She wriggled away for a moment, and then she settled comfortably against my chest. Alice slapped me with her chubby, drool covered hands and I couldn't have been happier than I was in that single moment.

"Da-da," Alice babbled again, frowning when I kissed Meredith's neck, and we both laughed.

"Someone's jealous," teased Meredith, before I took Alice in my arms and kissed her cheek as well. She squealed in delight as Meredith tickled her belly. We began walking hand in hand, with Alice still cradled in my arms.

"It feels good here, Derek," Meredith stated simply.

"Yeah, like there's nothing else in the world."

"I wish there wasn't. Why don't we give up everything and move here?" she giggled.

"I'll think about that, but you're warned that the odds are for a positive answer," I chuckled.

"We've been here for what, two hours, and I already want to move here," she laughed.

"I'm gonna miss the house in the woods though."

"We can go on holiday there, then," I laughed with her and even Alice seemed amused, despite her being lost in her own world. She was enthralled by the different birds flying over our heads and she shrieked every time one of them danced around us.

"You like the birds?" Meredith asked and the answer was a sincere clapping of hands with a squeal.

"You know, I remember the last time we were on the seaside," I joked, memories of Los Angeles flowing back, despite the different setting.

"I think you're fond of the rest of the night, not strictly the seaside."

"The skinny-dipping was good," I kept flirting

"Derek!" she slapped my arm, eying Alice.

"Admit it, you loved it too," I smirked and she blushed in her adorable way. I had missed this too, when we weren't on good terms and we kept just ignoring each other. The flirting and the blushing always came together, especially when she tried to control both of them. And she was helplessly cute when she did that.

"We can revive the memory, you know," I added, whispering it softly in her ear, and she ran away with a giggle. I kept walking, watching her unsteady steps while the wind twirled her hair and she seemed to dance on the sand, free like the birds in the sky. Her giggles filled the silences between waves. The more I looked, the more I marveled that she was actually mine and that I had almost blew it with her. I almost blew it with the most gorgeous, most compassionate, caring, and loving woman I'd ever met.

"Look how pretty your Mommy is," I said to Alice and her sheepish grin seemed to agree with my statement.

Meredith finally walked back towards us and, when she was close enough, I took her arm and twirled her towards me, and kissed her. Her hand stilled on my chest, holding on there because everything was swirling while our lips were connected, a kind of kiss we hadn't shared for a while, not even during lovemaking. It was one of those kiss we had shared before Addison, when everything was raw, or before her drowning, or after the shooting and the miscarriage, because then we knew that we were going to fight to stay where we were meant to be.

"Let's get back inside," she said, almost reluctantly, when she pulled away. Her lips were swollen and her cheeks heated. I liked that I could do that to her with a single kiss and I liked what she could do to me as well.

"We better go, yeah," I grinned, pecking her lips one last time.

"We'll finish this later," she grinned, sneaking away and her giggle echoed in the fresh air.

* * *

**AN: Okay, this was longer than usual, I know, I wanted to do two different chapters, one with the packing and the ride and the other one with the arrival, but they looked better together, so I kept it that way. **

**I want to thank my Beta once more because I really needed the help for a couple of things this chapter other than the title and I really appreciate all her work. And thank you to all the people who reviewed the last chapter, I'm so glad when people give their feedback, don't hesitate to suggest or criticize.**

**I'll warn you there will be only three more chapters and then the epilogue, I hope to have the story finished before June and there will be no sequel, Soft Shock's sequel is an handful alone as it is. I hope you'll stay around until the end and maybe you'll leave your opinion about the story at some point, I really like to hear from you all!**


	30. Talk Of Yesterday

**The title is the first line of Iron & Wine's Communion Cups And Someone's Coat, the only downside of this song is that is too short.**

**I don't have much to say about this, it's short, I know that, it's mostly a filler. Meredith is once again the storyteller throughout this late summer morning on the beach. I wish it was summer right about now...**

**Enjoy this chapter!**

**Part 28 – Talk of Yesterday**

_Don't go far off, not even for a day, because -_

_because - I don't know how to say it: a day is long_

_and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station_

_when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep._

_Pablo Neruda_

* * *

It remained sunny for the rest of Friday morning and for a few hours both of us forgot that we were still in the State of Washington. The place Derek had chosen for our vacation was awesome in every aspect, even when it rained, like it did Saturday morning. We weren't lucky enough to get two sunny days in a row, but the rain was okay since we hadn't made any plans.

When I woke up, Derek was still asleep, with a peaceful, relaxed grin plastered on his face. His bare chest rose evenly in the dim morning light. The calming sound of rain filtered in through the cracked window.

I had stopped being a heavy sleeper after Alice was born, while Derek kept sleeping like a hog. He used to wake up early, but he'd been very tired lately and his body adapted. I think he'd even gotten used to my snoring.

I untangled myself from his embrace. His arm fell limply on my side of the mattress, and he barely stirred.

I padded to Alice's room. She was sleeping in her crib as well. I brushed some of her curls and she kept sleeping peacefully, just like her father. They looked more alike when they were asleep than when they were awake. Their faces often had the same sated, calm expression.

With a puff, Alice rolled onto her other side and kept resting while I headed downstairs. The quiet there was unreal. The soft murmur of the waves lulled me into a stupor, while I waited for the coffee to be ready, sitting at the kitchen table. I poured a mug of the steaming liquid with slow, deliberate gestures and sat on the reclining chair on the porch, enjoying the view.

I had always adored dull, boring days with a slow drizzle; days when everything suddenly got still and silent. The ticking of the rain on the old, wooden roof of the porch mixed with the rustling of the waves and the strong smell of seawater was covered by the usual, damp flavor of rain and the coffee's blissful scent. A slight fog rose from the ocean, almost like the steam from my mug of coffee, the smell enveloped my nostrils in a gentle, virtual hug with every breath that I took.

For a moment my mind drifted back to Seattle, where Cristina was surely trolling for surgeries and Alex was flirting with some new intern. Then it quickly turned to New York and the fact that the Shepherds were going to get together in Seattle for Christmas; the fact that I belonged to that kind of family still overwhelmed me more than I would admit. Then I thought about Makena and Zoey, Makena's beautiful baby girl. Carolyn had sent me a photo of her. She was just a few weeks younger than Alice and I wanted to meet them so badly and get to know that little girl.

"Your side of the bed was cold."

I heard Derek's voice behind me, and I turned around to see him leaning against the doorframe in his sexy way, his hair was sticking up all over the place, unkempt. His t-shirt was a bit wrinkled from sleeping in it. His eyes sparkled brightly in the gray light, even though he had just woken up. He was simply handsome right there, even more than he normally was.

"I made coffee," I smiled, holding my mug out to him.

"I noticed," he grinned while he showed me his hand. It was wrapped around another similar cup that I had somehow missed in my earlier scrutiny. "Did you have fun yesterday?" He smirked, recalling the memories of our morning at the farm with Alice.

She giggled, squealed, and clapped her hands each time an animal came near her. We found out that she loved rabbits and chicks, but she was afraid of cows and horses at first, probably because of their size. She was delighted when Derek took her in his arms and hopped on the horse, riding it for a couple of laps. She was fascinated from the moment we arrived until the time we had, had to walk home, and she doze off immediately that night, without even a goodnight kiss.

Apparently she was still asleep, because there were no sounds coming out of the baby monitor.

"What got you up so early?" Derek asked, plopping into the chair next to mine. His knee was just barely grazing mine while he sipped his coffee.

"Habit, I think."

"I don't think I've ever slept so well in my whole life," he teased, a big smile appearing on his face.

"Oh, that's because I wore you out yesterday night," I smirked, teasing back.

We'd started to tie up the loose ends of what we'd began building again in Seattle, finally feeling like us again, like the couple we know we could be, and because of everything, we had never had the chance to fully appreciate it for long.

The more I stared at him, the more I saw the man I'd vowed to spend the rest of my life with, the man I'd give my life for, _my man_. I sighed contentedly as he stood up and moved behind me, leaving his mug of coffee on the small table. His fingers began to massage my shoulders, loosening the knots caused by our busy lives as surgeons and lifting away all of the burdens there.

We remained quiet, because we didn't need words. Words were reserved for our own bubbly space after making love or the quiet moments before falling asleep, when everything was dark and it was easier to say scary things out loud. We shared our deepest secrets in the dark, snuggled in each other's arms, drawing comfort from each other's hugs.

"Alice loved the farm, uh?" I asked, breaking the quiet while his hands still massaged magically.

"Yeah, she really loved it. We should try to do this more often," he suggested. His hands started to work a bit lower, towards my shoulder blades.

"I think she's missed us a bit lately. We've been so busy with ourselves." I sighed and silently moaned when he hit a particularly delicate spot. I could sense a smirk on his lips

"She's such a smart girl," he said, with his own proud Daddy voice. I fell in love a little bit more every time I saw the two of them together, and I couldn't help the smile that automatically spread across my face.

"I can't believe she'll be one in a few months. I mean, wasn't she born like, yesterday?"

Derek chuckled. "Feels like it," he admitted.

Out of the blue, the argument that we'd gotten into in the car popped into my head and I knew that we had to talk about it again. There were things that I missed when we'd started the conversation ban between us, like sharing all sorts of things with each other, even the silliest. I missed talking to him, because he had been the first person to get me to talk about my secrets. It felt like I was keeping all of those secrets by myself again, and it didn't feel much better than it had before.

"Do you think we're doing a good job, raising her?" I asked cautiously. He continued rubbing my back like it was just a normal conversation about the weather.

"I don't know about me, but you're doing a great job Meredith, a really great job."

"I'm doing the best I can. You're the one that knows stuff," I smiled. He had, had some practice with his nephews and nieces, but he was still at a loss sometimes when it came to Alice. Like the first time he went to hold her, and he didn't even know where to start. I remembered the moment like it was yesterday and yet, Alice was almost one.

"Believe me, right from the start, we were on the same boat." He kissed my neck while his hands roamed down to my lower back. His hands, skilled hands of a neurosurgeon, knew exactly where to touch and soothe.

"God, you're so good at this," I moaned again, trying to hide just exactly how much I loved his hands.

He chuckled again "You'd trade this for sex?"

"Some days I'd probably say yes." I turned to kiss him softly, and he deepened it, building up the all ready existing fire in my core. _Apparently the __night __before __hadn't been enough_.

"So I'm better at rubbing your back than making love to you?" he mocked.

"You're amazing at both. It's just that sometimes I need a back rub more than I need sex."

"I can do both, you know..." he smirked. His face was barely a few inches from mine, his eyes sparkling. They turned a bit darker all of a sudden.

"You mean now?" I grinned back. His familiar features were darkening with lust.

"Whenever you want," he replied wryly.

As soon as his lips touched mine he was practically ready to take me right then and there, but a soft rattle came out of the baby monitor and we both groaned, pulling away from each other.

"She's not that smart right now, uh?" I smirked, disappearing from his view and leaving him standing there dumbfounded, probably thinking about a cold shower.

* * *

**AN: I think I'm back on track as regards uploading schedule, even though I've seen a little less visits than before. It's expected, the more a story grows higher are the chances for readers to lose interest.**

**I want to thank all of you again because I reached the 100 reviews and I know it's not a big deal maybe, but for me it means the world. I never thought I could write something that got at least 100 reviews and almost 40,000 views. I hope they'll be more, there are a few chapters left, but I hope that everybody out there who liked this story might give his or her opinion at some point, I really like to hear from you all...**

**Thanks for sticking with my story!**


	31. Come Find Me On A Beach

**Hi folks! ****I'm sorry if this chapter is not really long, the next two will make up for those last two.**

**The song is again Communion Cups And Someone's Coat by Iron&Wine, I'm sure you guessed my latest obsession, right?**

**Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy their last day on the beach told us by Derek. I remind you that this is one of the last chapters to review ;)**

**Part 29 – Come Find Me on a Beach**

_He was weak, and I was strong—then—_

_So He let me lead him in—_

_I was weak, and He was strong then—_

_So I let him lead me—Home._

_Emily Dickinson_

* * *

I slid quietly under the covers, afraid of waking Meredith up. She put Alice to sleep while I stayed on the porch and read one of the books from the huge library in the living room. I went upstairs after a while, I'd been caught up in the story and enjoying the nighttime breeze, and when I peeked in, Meredith was already asleep.

"Why should I blame you?" she asked calmly, but little bit groggily, surprising me. I wrapped my arms around her.

She had probably been thinking, waiting for me to join her under the covers. She'd looked like she wanted to talk to me that morning, but we'd gotten a little bit distracted, and then the day had flown by with lots of games, and walks on the beach as soon as the sky cleared up. We were both too exhausted and caught up in the activities to pick up the conversation we'd begun that morning. Until that moment it is.

"Sorry, I woke you up," I mumbled, buying myself some time to process her question.

"I was awake, don't worry. Why should I blame you for the shooting or the miscarriage?" She whispered the last part and it broke my heart. I told her she could blame me in the car, but she still didn't feel okay with it, after days. And I'd given her as much time to dwell on it as she wanted. She had probably finally come to terms with what she really wanted. I knew she felt responsible, but I hadn't known it had affected her so deeply.

"I didn't protect you. I just hid you in a closet and hoped he wouldn't find you. I failed our children more than you think. I failed you. I failed the entire hospital," I answered. I had always felt the burden of all those deaths on my shoulders, now with the added weight of her personal pain.

"Derek, you did the best that you could." She sighed, and I kissed her shoulder, pulling her a bit closer to my chest.

"I had almost convinced him." I sighed, memories of that fateful day coming back in unpleasant waves. "Then I looked away for a second and bang, I was bleeding all over the floor. I was really afraid that the kiss on the OR table could have been our last one Meredith, and I am the only one to blame," I admitted for the first time, but she didn't seem scared or mad. She just wriggled to face me, taking my face in her hands.

"You fought back Derek. That's all that matters to me. Now you know what 'back to life' feels like, not just 'dying in your arms'." Her voice quivered and she kissed me, before pulling away and lying in my arms again. Our bodies were close enough that we were sharing body heat.

"I think I do," I sighed. Quiet wrapped around us, and her hand found mine, holding on tight. With my free hand I began to trace her body, caressing her in slow, soothing gestures. She was breathing evenly, but something changed and her breath changed.

"I wanted to tell you about the baby, you know. It just didn't seem right to spit out something that beautiful during such a sad time. I thought...I thought…" she stammered, quivering in my arms.

"It's okay, you can tell me," I said. She sighed heavily. Her fingers squeezed mine even tighter.

"I thought that you'd say 'what's the point' too…" she looked away, and turned her back to me. Hot tears streamed down her cheeks.

"You would have been the point. You were reason enough to fight harder." I pulled her closer to my chest and she didn't protest.

"I thought..." her glassy eyes drifted outside the window, looking at the sea, her tears still falling heavily.

"When you were in the water you asked yourself what's the point in fighting?" I turned her to face me, and she nodded, unable to look me in the eyes. She nuzzled her nose into my chest instead. I pulled her closer, cradling and lulling her, unable to stop the buzzing in my mind. "It was all my fault, I'm sorry. I've hurt you so badly in the past, I'm so sorry," I began whispering, as she cried silently in my arms.

Apologies would never be enough, I realized. My vision blurred as well, because I knew that some of the things that had become her burden in Elliot Bay were my fault and I was never going to forgive myself for that. I breathed deeply, tasting her lavender-scented skin with a soft kiss.

"You pulled me out of the water, Derek," she sighed as well, brushing away her tears. "I was thinking about you while I held the bomb and most importantly you lived, after you got shot in the chest. You are the main reason I'm still alive and I'm glad you were – you are – the point of all of it. You were heaven and hell, and especially every single thing in between. Hell was the first step to heaven. I didn't drown, I didn't get shot, and I didn't get blown into pink mist because of you, you should be proud."

She brushed away the last of her tears and I realized that I couldn't say anything in response. She had stunned me into silence. She'd talked to me, openly, like we should've done in the past, instead, bottling everything up before exploding and yelling at each other. She just kept looking at me with all of that trust and love and, like she said, everything in between, because she was _everything_.

"I am really proud of you, Meredith."

I wasn't ashamed to admit it, because despite me ruining everything, every time, she kept forgiving me, and she held on to the good memories. She loved me even when I was married, when I let things go overboard at the prom, when I called her a whore or a lemon, and when I decided that I couldn't breathe for her anymore. She stuck with me while I was in the hospital, barely alive, right after she had just lost our baby. I took away her chance to grieve, but she was still there. And yet, she was smiling with those perfect gray-green eyes, full of shimmering tears and moonlight.

"Do you want to relive some good memories now, Derek?" she asked, reading my mind, and breaking the quiet that had enveloped us while we were beaming at each other, taking in each other's well-known features.

"Name one." I smiled, because I knew it was going to be a good one.

"Los Angeles," she replied simply, with a smirk. No more words were needed, we both knew it. We had all ready relived memories like those during that trip all ready. Something was different this time though.

"We can't do it. We can't leave Alice all alone, even if she is asleep." I sighed, almost disappointed. "I like where your head is, though."

"I didn't mean the ocean part. I meant the after part, the balcony." Her eyes twinkled with a mischievous, lusty look.

"Oh." I smiled widely when she got up and padded downstairs, taking the baby monitor with her. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I made it downstairs, she was already on the porch, sitting there in just her underwear. Her whole, wonderful body was exposed to the moonlight. You couldn't tell she'd had a baby only nine months ago, because she looked beautiful.

"We talked, first," she whispered when she heard me approaching her. I sat on the chair next to hers and kept looking at her. That face meant business.

"I think we already covered that part," I smirked, and she kept smiling. The scenery was different from that morning, but nothing seemed to have changed.

"We need to be quiet this time, I know there aren't any neighbors, but I'd really like to wait to give Alice the sex talk until she can actually understand it," she joked, happily, all of her lingering tears had disappeared.

"You're the one who's loud," I teased back.

"You're the one that makes me a loud person" she said defensively, pouting in the cutest way.

"So it's my fault then?"

"Always, you're a man, you're born with faults," she grinned, leaning in to kiss me senseless.

"I seem to remember you loving all of them," I was able to reply after she pulled away, leaving me a panting mess. She wasn't in much better shape, though.

"I still love them. I just recognize them more easily than you." My lips found her neck and she wriggled in her seat when I touched a ticklish spot that I knew she loved, trying to close the distance between us.

"How so?" I whispered, but her answer was drowned in the following kiss.

"I want to come back here sometime Derek," she changed subject. She was still able to form coherent thoughts, while I was all ready senseless at the mere sight of her. "Just the two of us," she added.

"So we can go skinny-dipping again?" She grinned at my suggestion, but shook her head.

"Naughty man," she slapped me on the chest, and kissed me right after. "In a couple of years maybe, you know, to spend some time together just you and me. Alice will be old enough to be left alone with someone else, and it would just be us for a little while, I kinda miss moments like those sometimes," she whispered and despite her smile, I knew that she wasn't joking anymore. Even her hold on me became softer, more loving, not driven by the rush to be naked like before.

"Yeah, me too, we're so busy back home that we barely have the time to talk to each other sometimes." I kissed her. "It's a good idea, Mer, I love it."

Her eyes met mine and I could see hundreds emotions there, but none of them were recognizable, until she spoke. "We could try for another baby too." Her cheeks flushed under the moonlight, and she was more beautiful than ever.

"In a couple of years?" my eyes widened in surprise and joy, and I loved her a little bit more with each passing second.

"I'll be what, a fifth year resident, it will be okay, right?"

"You really want to start trying here in two years?" I tested the waters again, still not quite believing that we were having that conversation.

"Yes, I want to have another baby with you Derek. I just want some more time to enjoy Alice, that's all. Maybe we can wait three years, I don't know..."

"We can wait as long as you want." I kissed her softly, confirming our decision.

"We should do it without any pressure though, just enjoy each other."

"We need to practice," I teased, slipping my hand under her shirt and noticing her lack of bra. My breath quickened.

"Our daughter's asleep upstairs. I think she was enough practice," she smirked, her hand sneaking under my t-shirt as well. She pulled it over my head before I could protest.

"Practice makes perfect." I copied her action and let her breast shine in the moonlight. She was breathtaking and I could never get enough of her.

"Yes it does."

* * *

**AN: Okay, one more chapter and then I'll post the epilogue to this story. I still can't believe I made it. **

**You know, I really appreciated all the reviews and I'm sorry if I didn't replied to some, but the site is giving me a hard time with the links, so I wanted to thank all the people I haven't replied yet. I hope you'll review again and i'll get the chance to personally say thank you to each one of you. **

**Thanks to the hundreds of readers who anonimously read as well, I can't believe you're still out there reading...**

**Well, just wait patiently for the next two updates before the final goodbye...**


	32. Our Endless Numbered Days

**Okay people, this is the final chapter. There will be an epilogue posted sometime next week, then it will be over. Really over. **

**I'm really gonna miss this story, it was my first story I have ever written and, as you could see, I probably got better with time. I'm not plenty satisfied with some of the chapters and if I'd publish them now I'd change/add some parts. Who knows I might do that in the future when I'll be completely and utterly bored. Until June I have my best friend exam keeping me company...**

**Well, back to the story, I have chosen an album title for this chapter, because I loved the sound of it and also the album by Iron & Wine, again. Actually, it's also a line in Passing Afternoon but I'd go with the whole album instead. **

**Meredith will guide us with this last chapter, it takes place a few months after their weekend at the beach. Once again, it's really out of season, considering that here it's 31°C/87°F and you'll be reading about Christmas, but I hope you'll forgive me. At this point you might have realized that timing chapters it's not really my thing...**

**Well, enjoy this last chapter!**

**Part 30 - ****Our Endless Numbered Days**

_To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:_

_A time to be born, and a time to die;_

_a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;_

_A time to kill, and a time to heal;_

_a time to break down, and a time to build up;_

_A time to weep, and a time to laugh;_

_a time to mourn, and a time to dance;_

_A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;_

_a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;_

_A time to get, and a time to lose;_

_a time to keep, and a time to cast away;_

_A time to rend, and a time to sew;_

_a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;_

_A time to love, and a time to hate;_

_a time of war, and a time of peace._

_Qoelet 3, 1-8_

* * *

I don't think that I've ever experienced a colder winter. But there I was, scrutinizing the whitish sky outside of the wall sized window. We were expecting the Shepherd crew to arrive the following morning and I still had to decorate the whole house. Everything at the hospital had been hectic and I barely took the time to breathe each night before falling into bed.

Derek and Alice had gone out to do some Christmas shopping for our nephews and nieces, while I was supposed to be cleaning. I was lying on the couch instead, gazing outside, unable to move. Every muscle in my body ached and my head was spinning: the wonderful signals that my body sent me to tell me to slow down. I had barely been home at night those last few weeks, practically living in the hospital, because of the accidents that always poured in around the holidays. I was worn out.

It would have been better if I had gone out shopping with Derek and the little one. She wasn't that little anymore, actually. She was _one_. We threw her birthday party two weeks before and she was officially one year old.

I could still hear her giggling at all of the presents, being spoiled, and having the spotlight on her. She was quite the character already, shy but happy to have people near her. She scrutinized everyone with her flickering eyes, trying to discern good from bad, known from unknown, family or stranger. Then, when she was satisfied, the same twinkle that Derek's eyes have flooded her bluish-green eyes and she giggled happily. I melted from the inside out every single time she did that. Her hair was growing, curling in dark, wavy locks, contrasting with her soft, porcelain skin and the full cheeks that Derek loved to pinch.

She was amazing.

A couple of days ago, coming home after a twelve-hours shift, I found her gripping the couch cushion and standing on her two feet, falling back down after a couple of seconds. My heart skipped a beat. She was already that big. And she prattled, like a perfect, chatty little girl. I loved the way she curled up on me before dozing off, grabbing my thumb and holding on for dear life. Her grip gradually softened and she was off to a land of beautiful dreams. She never does that with Derek, she holds his shirt instead. She's bright and smiley, curious and happy. Despite all of my self-doubt, she was happy. I made it through our first year together, and I was proud of myself. But I was prouder of her.

And Derek, well Derek was amazing with her, with me, with _us_. I fell for him all over again every day, head over heels. He was the good, caring, honorable, decent man I had met, before the wife and the bomb and the drowning, when we were still just two people in a bar. Except that now Alice was in the mix as well and it couldn't be more perfect.

The air outside seemed sharp; I could hear the leaves crunching on the ground, ruffled by the light breeze, while I lay on my bed, staring outside. Low, white clouds wrapped around the mountains like they were Christmas presents, the city lights the sparkling ribbons.

_C'mon Meredith, get your ass off of the bed and start cleaning, Carolyn will be here any moment now_.

Derek was supposed to pick his mother up after he was done shopping. Unlike the rest of the family, she was staying with us in the guest-room, in our 'home in the middle of nowhere', as Nancy described it. She remembered the trailer, but she had never seen the house before. When they came last year for Alice's birth, I had stayed at my Mom's place for a while. The ferry ride was too long for a newborn.

I could still remember the day we brought her home from the hospital. She was so tiny and I was so scared. I teased Derek multiple times because he was afraid of doing anything around her, but I felt the same. Parenting was a hard job, I understood my mother then. She really had done the best she could.

I spent my first day home with Alice wondering what was going on in my mother's mind when it was her, staring outside the window with a newborn in her arms. _How long did she spend with me before my father took over the parenting? Did she ever wonder about my future, like I found myself wondering over Alice's? Will our daughter always be this happy? Will I be able to keep up with her when she grows up? Will I get her?_ _Will I love her enough?_

Birds flew in a compact flock past the small frame of the window, marking the last signs of life in that cold, wintry afternoon. Everybody was waiting for rain to pour down from the tick white clouds. The mountains were already covered with snow. The dreamy landscape induced the Christmas spirit. I wasn't ready for the whole family thing, even if I loved them with my whole heart. I just wanted to rest.

My eyelids fell closed in a matter of seconds and I opened them when I heard the cracking of the front door. They were home. I could hear Alice's prattle and Derek talking to his mother. I was still facing the window and outside it was much darker than when I had dozed off. _Damn it, I didn't decorate!_

I climbed down the stairs sleepily and Derek greeted me with a wide smile. He had Alice on his hip and a good amount of already wrapped presents in his other hand, together with a carry-on bag. He still hadn't taken off his jacket. Behind him, Carolyn entered with her suitcase, a happy smile materialized on her face when she saw me.

"Meredith! Come here, I missed you..." she abandoned her suitcase to bear-hug me.

"Hi Carolyn, it's so good to see you too...How was your flight?"

"Perfect. How about you? You look tired."

"It's been hectic at the hospital lately. I just woke up from an unexpected nap."

We both giggled.

"You didn't decorate, then," Derek's teased, pressing a lingering kiss onto my lips. Alice immediately grabbed the hem of my t-shirt. I took her into my arms and she nuzzled my shoulder. _God, I __always missed her __lately_. She looked tired from all of the shopping and the car always made her sleepy, but with her Nana in town she was more than willing to keep her eyes wide open, so she just leaned into me, trying to rest a little without actually sleeping.

"Nope, I'm sorry."

Derek pushed a lock of my hair behind my ear and smiled, his eyes twinkling and sparkling, "Its fine, we'll do it together. I bought the tree on my way back, do you mind?"

"No, not at all, I knew there was something missing..." I smirked, and leaned in to kiss him again, soft and quick. I had kind of missed the domestic us. I had only seen him in scrubs lately and his maroon v-neck sweater looked so good on him, casual and holiday-like. I'd even dare to say that he looked sexy.

"I'll take your suitcase upstairs Mom," he offered, and disappeared up the stairs. Carolyn smiled at me and I moved to the living room, sitting on the couch.

Weariness had gotten the better of Alice, who was quietly napping on my shoulder. I cradled her in my arms and she didn't move an inch. _I missed her so damn much_. I couldn't let her go.

"Is everything alright?" Carolyn asked with a smile, interpreting my silence as something more.

"Yeah, fine. I've been cranky when I wake up, lately." I tried to skate over actually answering the question.

"She's one," she said, looking at Alice's sleeping form with a proud grin, and brushing her curls tenderly.

"Yep," I avoided her gaze, looking out the window. _Was I that predictable or was it just the Shepherds that__ could read my mind?_

"It's not as scary as they say, the fact that she's growing up. She'll amaze you with each passing day."

"She already does that," I sighed.

"Well, then you won't take your eyes off of her," she smiled softly. I knew she had noticed some worry hidden deep down in my eyes, she was good at reading people. _Of course, five kids_. Derek had gotten a bit of that as well: he was good at reading me.

"You're doing great Meredith."

"Yeah?" old insecurities were creeping back.

"She's such a cheerful girl. It's not that easy to be so happy, even at her age. She lightens up the mood. I miss being around you guys. I'd love to see her more often."

"Our guest room has no restrictions," I smiled, almost missing her mothering as much as she missed us.

"It's hard for me to stay away from you and Amy. She's coming over with Robert, right?"

"Yeah, everybody will be here." I sounded disappointed by it even though I wasn't.

"I'll call them and tell them to stay home," she added, after a not-so-embarrassing moment of silence, when she stared at me carefully, reading me again.

"It's fine. It was just a long week. I'd love to see them."

"I'll call and suggest: one sister at a time. They can be pretty overwhelming, I get it." I found myself laughing when Derek climbed back downstairs.

"What did I miss?" he asked with a grin, joining me on the couch and kissing my forehead softly, smiling at a sleeping Alice.

"You two had fun, huh?" I grinned back.

"Yep." His expression was mischievous.

"What did I miss?"

"Good shopping, nothing else," he said, scanning my face carefully, trying to hide it from his mother. He was just like her sometimes.

"I'm going to call the girls," Carolyn stood up to make the call in the other room and give us some space.

"Wait. Let them come, please..." I tried again.

"Meredith, they'll understand."

"I want them to come."

"I know. One at a time," she pressed, smiling softly. I let her be. I didn't want to argue with her, she would win anyway.

"What was that?" Derek asked, puzzled.

"She thinks it's better if we have a quiet Christmas. I tried to tell her not to. She's uninviting your sisters."

"I trust Mom."

"I know. I'm sorry. I really wanted them to come, it's just...everything's been so busy lately and I didn't even decorate, it's pathetic." I leaned into his shoulder and he wrapped both me and Alice in his steady arms.

"It's okay. I should have told them no in the first place."

"But you miss them!"

"We'll see them soon. Right now isn't a good time. We'll fly up there for the first long weekend we are both off and see everybody."

"I'm sorry. I'll call them to apologize." His thumb grazed my jaw and he let it linger briefly before kissing me, staring into my eyes.

"I love you," he whispered, kissing me again.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, I'm sure you'd do the same if it was me. Besides, I want some quiet too."

"We should invite your mother more often, she misses Alice, and I missed her."

"Yeah, you're right, she'd love to..."

We snuggled in silence on the couch, staring outside. I loved those moments where it was just the three of us, and I missed them a lot with our crazy amount of work around the holidays

"It's freezing out there today. I couldn't feel my toes will we were walking outside..." he chuckled, breaking the comfortable silence.

"Looks like it from here," I giggled with him. "I think it will be a rainy Christmas this year. Again." I smirked at old memories of wet Christmases.

"Remember the last one?" he smiled widely.

"We stayed right here most of the day, watching the rain, with Alice cradled in our arms," I reminisced.

"I was freaking out, God I looked so silly. I was so afraid of hurting her..."

"I still am," I thought out loud. I didn't mean to, it just came out without me thinking about it.

"Oh Mer," his hold around me tightened.

"I don't want to stay away from her for such long stretches of time Derek," I sighed.

"I know. But you're here now. You'll be here tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. You've been here since the first day Alice was born, and you're sticking around. She understands that you'd rather be home than work most days. She gets it and she'll be more than fine with that. She will be proud of her mother because she worked her ass off to be a great surgeon. You cherish every moment you can spend with her. It's something some parents take for granted."

"You mean my parents. Normal parents don't do that."

"Mark's family was perfectly normal. They could have been used in a cereal commercial."

Silence filled the void between his statement and my unspoken reply.

Alice stirred in my arms and pushed her head farther into my chest, before opening her eyes, and stretching her arms, letting out a huge yawn. She looked up at me and smiled widely, babbling a more incoherent "Ma-ma" than normal, in a sleepy voice.

"Hey Peanut, did you sleep well?"

She smiled in response, sitting up straighter and looking around. She smiled at Derek too, and he took her into his arms. She pushed her back against his chest, stuffing her thumb in her mouth.

We were all gazing outside, when suddenly some white flakes started falling quietly from the sky. Alice frowned at first, and then she snapped "Oh!" and crawled away from Derek's lap, curiosity getting the better of her. She grabbed the cushion near the wall-wide window and stood up by herself. I expected her to fall, still not used to the new ability, but instead she held her chubby hands out to the cold glass, but finding the curtains instead. She turned to us, her face puzzled. I looked at Derek and I knew that not just my heart had skipped a full beat in that moment. His eyes were glassy from emotion. _Ou__r little girl could stand by herself_. She pointed out the window with her finger, whimpering.

"That's snow, Peanut. It falls when it is very, very cold outside. It's frozen rain."

"Ow," she repeated.

"Yeah, snow."

"Everything will be white in the morning, you'll see," Derek added, smiling at the thought. He was fond of snow, just like me, and Alice, apparently. She held her hand out to us, still startled by the change.

"Wanna go out and touch the snow?"

"Ow! Ow!" she squealed, giggling happily. When she attempted to clap hands, she fell back onto her bum. She took a second to realize it and stubbornly stood up again. She stood there while I picked up our coats and hats to go outside. She wasn't pleased about all of the layers we put on her, but her face was priceless when a snowflake landed in her palm. She widened her eyes, parting her lips to form an O, and looked up at Derek and me, bursting into tears, hiding her face on my chest. We both smiled.

"Oh, Peanut, is it too cold?" Derek cooed, wrapping her hands in the littlest mittens I've ever seen. She pouted, and turned away from my chest to stare at the snowflakes again. She held her hand out again and another flake fell onto it. She smacked her hand with the other, watching the snow melt and exclaimed a surprised "Ow!" again. I giggled, and Derek laughed out loud.

His mother peeked out of the door "Hmm, it's snowing?"

"It's awesome, Mom," he answered with a voice filled with amazement. His eyes twinkled brightly, like he was a little boy again. He gazed at the snowflakes falling from the sky with the same expression Alice had on her face and, after the tears passed, she was eager to reach out for some more snow. I looked behind us, at Carolyn, who was smiling brightly at the sight in front of her.

"We'd better get back in. We can come back out when it starts to stick, and it's all white."

"One more minute," he pleaded, giving me that cocky grin of his. I put Alice in his arms and they snuggled close, despite the multiple layers between them.

"I'm going back in; I'm freezing my butt off. Don't stay out too long."

I kissed both their cheeks, and then I walked inside, shoving the snow off from my boots.

"Is Derek still outside in the cold?" asked Carolyn, smirking.

"Yeah. I think he's more excited about it than Alice."

"I remember the snowball fights he used to have with Mark and his father back in New York...When they came back inside they were always soaked!"

"We should invite Mark over then." We giggled together at my suggestion. "I really liked snow when I was a kid. It meant no school, and there was a chance that my mother would stay home a bit longer, but the quiet of it always startled me."

"Snow was never quiet at the Shepherd Household," she giggled at the memories.

"I bet. It was beautiful though, wasn't it?"

She nodded in response and we both watched Derek outside, tossing a squealing Alice into the air. Their faces were red from the cold, their jackets were wet, and the snow was still falling from the white sky.

"She'll catch a cold," I mumbled.

"No, she won't. Even if she does, isn't it worth it?"

"Every second of it," I smiled widely, still watching my two favorite people playing in the snow. The grass was getting whiter by the second and soon everything would have been covered in snow. It was a matter of minutes.

"Kathleen is coming tomorrow, and so is Martha. They wouldn't miss Christmas with their brother," Carolyn continued, filling the silence. "Nancy is going to stay with Josh's parents, and Amy and Robert decided to fly out here on New Year's. Is that okay?" Her tone was nearing the apologetic.

"Yeah, I can handle it. It's just that everything has been so busy lately, and I kind of freaked out. I tend to do that around families, it's one of my countless flaws," I admitted, smiling, and not feeling judged for a second by Carolyn's soft eyes.

"Makena and Zoey are coming too."

"Really?" my eyes widened and I wanted to wrap the older woman in my arms and hug her tightly. "That's the best Christmas present I've ever gotten," I whispered.

"She's looking forward to the visit too. Zoey and Alice will get along perfectly, I would bet on it. Dylan might make some trouble, but they'll stand up for themselves," she joked, her eyes drifting away to somewhere that I didn't know, probably back to all of her other grandchildren.

"Thank you Carolyn for taking care of her, of them."

"I would do it again if you needed it," she smiled. "I miss seeing the three of you every day like I do with my other children," she admitted, her gaze fixated on Derek and Alice playing in the snow.

"We miss you too," I smiled widely. Derek's pager rang on the coffee table, followed by mine, breaking the comfortable quiet following our conversation.

"Are you kidding me?" I stared angrily at the pager as soon as I read the screen.

"How bad is it?"

"They don't know! They want us to be around in case they need hands. No freaking way!" I slammed my pager back in place "Excuse me, I need to make a call, I'll be right back. Could you drag Derek in, please?" She smiled, nodding.

I went to the living room and dialed the number without even looking at the screen. I was too busy trying to calm down by watching the snowfall and Derek's childlike games.

"Chief," I hissed angrily as soon as someone picked up, unable to hide my rage.

"Oh, Meredith, you got the page?" he answered like nothing was wrong.

"Are you out of your mind, Chief?" I yelled angrily "We live in the woods. Do you have any idea how long we would take to get there? And that's not even thinking about the return trip! It's freaking snowing, Chief!"

"I know, and I'm sorry, we need hands." He kept his composure while I was clearly losing mine, even more quickly than I had expected.

"Not mine or Derek's. We. Are. Off!" I stressed. I saw Derek step back into the house with a wide grin on his face.

"Please," he said, recovering from my outburst.

"It's our little girl's first snow. There's no way I'm missing it. Get your back up from somewhere else and have a merry Christmas Chief!"

I hung up, snapping the phone shut, and closing my eyes, breathing in deeply to calm myself. I wouldn't have missed this for anything, not even the greatest head trauma Seattle Grace had ever witnessed. Alice's first snow was way better than anything else. Cold hands encircled my waist and frozen lips kissed my neck. I managed to smile, and Derek pulled me closer.

"Is everything all right?"

"I just need a moment. I yelled at the Chief," I smiled sheepishly, trying to calm myself still.

"You did what?" he pulled away a little to look me in the eyes, a bit amused and surprised.

"Yelled, yeah, but he wanted us down in the pit. There is no way we could have driven there. It's freaking snowing!" my voice rose again, but his arms calmed me immediately as they pulled me closer.

"It's Alice first snow."

"That's what I told him. We are staying home," I sighed.

"Even if there's the biggest emergency ever?" he asked mockingly, sounding a lot like Cristina, who was probably already running to the hospital to catch the best cases before all of the other residents. I smiled at the mere idea.

"I held a bomb in a body cavity and saved a guy in a crashed ambulance. I think I've had enough big emergencies in my whole career as a doctor. I'm staying home with Alice and playing with her in the snow, period. You can go if you want to."

He gently turned my face to his with his cold hands, kissing me. I felt his smile on my lips. He tasted so fresh and wintry.

"I'm definitely staying. I won't miss today either, even for the greatest of surgeries."

He kissed me again, pulling my whole body against him this time and my hand immediately went to his chest, steadying us. He was warming up a little, but his hands were still cold when he sneaked them under my shirt. I moaned and giggled, as he tickled me playfully.

"Later." I broke off the kiss and teased him.

"Oh, c'mon, Mom's upstairs changing and bathing Alice, we have time..." his lips met mine again for a long, passionate kiss as he lifted me onto the counter and wrapped my legs around his waist.

"Slow Derek, please. It's snowing," I added, forcing the words out of my foggy mind.

"Slow," he kissed me deeply again, both of us lost in each other's gaze. After a few seconds we pulled away, catching our breath.

"You are a tease, Meredith Grey," he whispered, before giving me another quick kiss.

"I love you, Derek Shepherd."

* * *

**AN: Okay, that's it.**

**You can complain about the lack of memorable events or the fact that I completely skipped Alice's birthday and everything between summer and Christmas. I hope you enjoyed the chapter nonetheless.**

**I can't believe it's over. After 6 months, almost 42,000 visits, 111 reviews so far and it's over. Thank you for sticking with the story the whole time and thanks to whoever helped me out with this, especially Cheomara7, my Beta. **

**Thank you to the people who reviewed almost every chapter and to the other who kept popping in every time I updated. Seriously, I wouldn't have done anything without you readers...**

**I don't know when I'll post the epilogue, but in a week at the most it will be up. I reserve the final goodbyes for that chapter, then...**


	33. I'm Ready To Believe, Epilogue

**This is it.**

**I have ****already ****said million things about this story and I still can't put my finger on the fact that I finished both my stories. Many projects are under development but you have to be patient, real life has a definite predominance over everything right now. **

**I hope you liked this story. All the reviews I recieved were really positive and motivating so I encourage you to review every time you find something interesting in a story or even something that you think it's not really right, writers always appreciate.**

**I think I have properly replied to all the people who left their reviews or messages, if not -because I have been away from the computer most of the week- well, here's my moment to thank you all, from the most faithful readers who gave a feedback to each chapter, to once again all of you who read anonymously. It's partially because of you that this story has an end.**

**For this final chapter, I decided that it was going to be Derek's insight, like some kind of closure of the circle or something. It's set, as you can expect from the quote, a few years later than the rest of the story. I hope you won't mind the change...**

**I changed the title last minute even at the end of the road, this time it's a line from Correatown's All The World ****(I Tell Myself).**** They featured it on Grey's and it was wonderful. It gave me goosebumps the first time I heard it properly.**

**Enjoy this epilogue then, no more rambling until you'll reach the end!**

**Epilogue - I'm Ready to Believe**

_Five years had passed;_

_five summers, with the length_

_Of five long winters!_

_William Wordsworth_

* * *

It was a bright night in Seattle. The post summer chills were already palpable. _The p__erfect night for a date_.

It was our wedding anniversary, so we had decided to go out for dinner. Alice was going to stay with Cristina and Owen, since Lexie and Mark were home with their six-months-old little boy, James. We didn't usually go out to dinner, but we had practically been forced by all our friends to take a break and spend some time for ourselves.

"Daddy?" Alice's pouting face peeked through the door while I was dressing up for the night.

"Hey Peanut, what's wrong?" In the three years she had been with us it was rare for her to not be smiling so it must have been something serious.

"Do you really have to go to the date tonight?" She stood still, lingering at the doorframe.

"Come here," I held her in my arms and we sat on the bed. "I want to do something nice for Mommy," I explained, trying to sound really convincing. We had expected some kind of tantrum before we left so I had prepared a little speech.

"I know. I'm gonna miss you tonight."

"We're going to miss you too," I smiled at her and she relaxed in my arms.

"Don't go," she pleaded in a soft voice, knowing that I was too easy to convince with that tone and those eyes, Meredith's puppy dog eyes in a slightly different color.

"Have you seen Mommy in her new dress? She's gonna be so beautiful tonight." I tried to change subject and, for a while, it seemed to work.

"The one we gave her for her birthday?" She looked pensive for a moment, trying to understand exactly the one I was talking about.

"Yeah, that. She wants so badly to wear it, but she's always at work."

"I know. It's a beautiful dress Daddy," she sighed.

"Promise me you won't be sad when Mommy comes out."

She nodded into my chest and I hugged her tightly. "Promise," she mumbled, relaxing in my arms.

"You hug me just like you hug Mommy," she mumbled into my chest after a moment of silence, while I held her firmly in my arms. She was a big girl, but it was still easy to hold her tight.

"Yeah?" I didn't actually understand what she wanted to tell me so I remained vague, hoping for an explanation.

"Um-hm, when she's sad or tired you hug her tight and she's happy again," she said matter-of-factly, and it still amazed me how observant she was about little things like that.

"Are you happy now?"

"A little." She sat quietly, before asking "How much do you love Mommy?"

I chuckled. She had been asking those kinds of big questions lately, so I simply answered her, "So much that I can't even tell you."

"And so you bring her out to dinner," she scrunched her nose up in the same way that Meredith's when she was thinking hard about something.

"That's right. Do you remember what day today is?"

"It's your an...en...what was that word, Daddy?" she stammered

"Anniversary, the day me and Mommy got married," I replied with a smile. Actually it was the day we'd signed the post-it, but we still considered it our official marriage.

"Anniversary," she echoed.

"Just like that," I smiled again, feeling even more proud of her.

"Why can't I come with you?" she pouted a little.

"Because it's a special day when we pretend that we just got married, and when it happened, you weren't with us yet," I tried to worm my way out of an actual answer.

"Oh." She was surprised. "How long was it just you and Mommy?"

"More than a year, but I've known her since the day she started working as a doctor."

"Why did you want to marry Mommy?" _Another big__ question__._

"Because she is the most amazing woman I've ever met. She's kind and she brightens up my day when she laughs." I bet that if Meredith had heard that answer she would have burst out laughing.

"She's your princess!" Alice smiled widely.

"Yes, she is." Once again, my corny answer would have thrown Meredith into fits of laughter, just like Alice was.

"But Daddy, you're not Prince Charming!" She shook her head, amused.

"Why not?" I tickled her feet and her belly and she started laughing, crawling away from my grasp.

"Because you are a neurosurgeon."

_God, she was able to say that straight all ready._

"Mommy is too," I said.

She frowned, but laughed quickly at the realization. Then she froze on the spot and her jaw dropped open.

"Mommy _is_ a princess," she uttered in astonishment.

I turned around to see what had her so astonished, and immediately realized that Meredith was indeed a princess: she was standing in the door; a bright smile on her face, the gifted midnight blue dress perfectly fit her even more perfect curves. She was glowing in the light coming from behind her in the bathroom. Her hair was flowing freely over her shoulders and still a little fuzzy from the hair-dryer. I had never seen her that beautiful, even her after-shower glow was more intense than usual.

"A princess?" her smiled widened, lighting up the room, her voice sort of angelic.

Alice was still mesmerized by the view and so was I.

"Mer, that dress is gorgeous. You really look like a princess."

"Corny." She came closer and kissed me quickly on the lips, before opening the closet to pick out a pair of matching shoes, heels. It had been months since she had worn heels. My smile grew even wider.

"Mommy you are so beautiful for your anitersery," Alice added, still a bit in awe and once again misspelling the word.

"How long have you been talking to Daddy?" She looked at me and smiled widely, making me melt from the inside-out again. Five years of marriage and she was still able to do that.

"A while, I was sad that you were going to dinner without me, but now I'm not." Alice's quick answer was followed by a sincere smile.

"Why were you sad?"

"'Cos I didn't know how beautiful you are for Daddy."

She held Alice on her lap and kissed her forehead.

"Are you sad about being with Cristina tonight?"

"No. You're Daddy's princess Mommy," she said, matter-of-factly, as Meredith placed a soft kiss on the top of her head.

"So I've heard," she giggled in her musical pitch. Then she whispered in Alice's ear, "He's my prince too."

Alice giggled as well and their smiles matched. They were so perfect together. Alice's dark locks were brushing Meredith's breast, where Meredith's hair was laying as well. The way she was cradling Alice in her lap was so motherly, so perfect, and so was their unified giggling.

"Derek, you'd better get dressed or we're gonna be late," Meredith said, finally snapped me out of the trance.

"A prince's never late Daddy."

They laughed again, sharing some kind of girly joke that I would never understand.

I put my tuxedo on and did my hair in the bathroom. When I went back to the bedroom, Meredith was brushing Alice's hair. I lingered quietly in the doorway, admiring the scene as long as they didn't notice me.

"French braids?" Meredith asked. It reminded me so much our first Christmas together at home in New York.

"Can you make two braids Mommy?"

"Of course."

Meredith's quick and steady surgeon's hands made the first braid in a few moments.

"Tie please."

I chuckled. She looked like she was clipping an aneurism. Alice passed her a hair-tie and Meredith turned to smile at me, motioning to keep quiet a little while more. I grinned back.

"Daddy I know you are there," Alice said in a singing voice. We both laughed. "Can I see if you really look like a prince?"

While Meredith worked on the other braid, I came in front of Alice and showed her my black suit.

"Mommy's beautifuler but you make a nice prince Daddy." I chuckled at her statement.

"Mommy is always more beautiful than everybody else." I smirked at Meredith as she asked for another hair-tie.

"Am I beautiful?" Alice asked, as soon as Meredith had finished.

"Gorgeous. Mommy is excellent at braiding, isn't she?" She nodded, and kissed her mother's cheek before I could pick her up and kiss her cheek as well.

We arrived at Cristina's half an hour later and Alice didn't protest for a second about being left there. She gave us a couple of tight hugs and a big kiss each, and then she led us to the door, saying that she had to play 'cool games with Aunt Cristina'.

We walked back out to the car, laughing, and I grabbed Meredith's hand. She was so beautiful that I had to check if she was still real from time to time. I opened the door for her and she smiled.

"You can stop being so attractive, you'll get lucky tonight anyway."

"Can't wait!"

"You wanna skip dinner?" she smirked wryly.

"I think I can hold it off a couple more hours." She giggled. "You are so beautiful tonight." I brushed my hand over her thigh and she shivered, our gazes met in the silence of the car.

"That's not helping with the whole holding off thing."

"I know." It was my turn to smirk.

Her radiant glow filled the space between us during the silence of the ride. The millionth conversation we'd liked to have start was simply kept silent. Then a lonely tear flowed down her cheek.

"What's that?" I brushed it away with my thumb and she leaned into my touch.

"Nothing, I'm just happy to be here after five years," she replied sincerely.

"There's no need for tears."

"I know. I can't help it. I'm sorry," she sighed.

"It's okay, you can tell me." I tried to understand what was going on that had made her cry.

"Five years ago I never thought our life could be so perfect. I mean," she sighed deeply. "You got shot, and I lost a baby..." she paused again, brushing away another lone tear. "I know we had our moments and our fights after that, we are tired most days, and we can barely breathe on others, but I never expected all of it to end up this way. Thank you Derek," she finished smiling widely and I did the same, grabbing her hand and squeezing it tightly.

"Thank _you_. You are the one that made everything happen. I love you."

"I love you too."

I squeezed her hand again and, as soon as we were out of the car, I kissed her passionately, not giving a damn about the other people in the street. She relaxed into my arms and giggled, all the tears forgotten.

"Newlyweds?" the waiter asked, after we entered the restaurant and she led us to our reserved table.

"We've been married five years today, actually," I smirked proudly.

"Congratulations!" she seemed somewhat shocked and never asked anything personal again.

"You scared her, Derek," Meredith teased, grabbing my hand.

"I never meant to."

She giggled, and we continued with our dinner, talking about anything and nothing, like we always did.

The food was lovely and Meredith of course appreciated every single thing. It still amazed me how much she could put into her skinny body, and she even playfully sneaked her fork to my plate to steal some of my food. Eventually she leaned back in her chair and put her hand on her stomach, finally full. I had a sudden sense of dejà-vu, but I decided to come back to the thought later and just enjoyed the satisfied smile on her face.

"I can't eat anything more," she pointed out and I smirked back.

"Not even dessert?"

"I'm always up for dessert," she teased.

We walked back to the car holding hands and the waiter said goodbye with a smile. _Maybe she wasn't that afraid anymore_.

"That was a good date," she stated, sitting in the car.

"It's not even over yet."

"All your favorite things tonight," she whispered in my ear, before she kissed my cheek. Her gaze then drifted outside the window.

"What's on your mind?" I asked again, she seemed back in the same place she had been while we were riding to the restaurant.

"Alice."

"She keeps my mind busy too."

"I was braiding her hair and I realized that she's gonna be four soon. I can braid her hair and she can say neurosurgeon, Derek. She's a big girl," she said, almost scared of what she had just voiced.

"I know. She's smart."

"She is." She turned finally to me and her eyes were brimming with tears. "It breaks my heart that we're going to miss so much from now on."

"Why?" I didn't understand exactly what she meant.

"She's gonna get all big and independent and in a blink she'll be off to school, and then college, and then she'll be out of our reach."

"She's not that big," I smiled, trying to reassure her. It still amazed me how much she cared for Alice. I had imagined many times what a perfect mother she would be, but this, the real thing, went far past my expectations.

"I know," she sighed. I pulled off to the side, lifting her up onto my lap, and wrapping my arms around her. Then the tears began flowing. Out of nowhere she was crying like a baby and I didn't know exactly why so I just held her close and waited.

"Slow deep breaths Mer," I whispered in her ear. She melted into my hug, defenseless. I rubbed her back until her sobs were subsiding.

"Sorry," she muttered, sniffing and wiping away the last of her tears.

"It's okay, I'm here." I kissed her forehead. "You know, Alice told me that I was hugging her just like I hug you when you're sad? But she added that, after my hugs, you're happy again," I joked and she was able to crack a small, albeit a tear-stained one. "Let's go home, okay?" I suggested and she nodded, brushing her lips over mine as a thank you gesture and letting me go. She had always been more confident with gestures than words and that was one of the many constants in five years of marriage.

She was smiling and glowing again as soon as we got home. I kissed her deeply right after closing the door, ready to take that amazing dress off of her, having the house child-free for once seemed like the best possible end for an already perfect evening out.

"Wait," she muttered, as we paused for a breath. "I need to pee," she giggled and ran upstairs.

I kissed her again as soon as I caught up with her, then I let her go. When she left I stared at her, rummaging in the drawers looking for God knows what. Her perfect curves led to a glowing face, without a trace of the fresh tears. I didn't know if I could bear a second more of waiting.

"Mer, you're hot tonight."

She turned to me and grinned, so I stood up and went to kiss her. Before we knew it I was lying on top of her on the bed, my hand gently brushing over her hips and her belly, playing around with the waistband of her panties.

"You wanna do the thing in the shower? It's been a while..." she suggested, a lusty grin on her lips.

"I'd love to."

She sneaked out from under my touch, and grabbed my shoulder as soon as she stood.

"Are you ok?" I asked, concerned as soon as I saw her losing her balance. She had been weird all night and that was just the icing on the cake.

"Sure, just dizzy," she shrugged it off.

"Mer, are you pregnant?" I blurted out.

It was out of the blue and I knew it, but she just looked so pregnant that I was almost positive about her answer. Not so much about her reaction, because she smiled, instead of hitting me with the first thing that she could reach as I expected. We had planned to start trying in a few months, going away just the two of us to the beach like we had planned more than three years ago, but we hadn't exactly been careful in those last few months.

She smiled and kissed me, before answering, "Yeah, I might be," and disappearing into the bathroom. I sat on the edge of the bed, motionless for a little while more and, when I walked into the bathroom she was staring at her reflection in the mirror, a smile still painted on her face.

"Mer…" I went closer to her and wrapped my arms around her waist. She leaned back against my chest and we stared in the mirror.

"I don't know Derek. I wanted to have some blood-work done tomorrow and find out. That's what I was thinking about in the car."

"So you think..." I trailed off. It was big. A very big anniversary surprise and I was still shocked.

"I grabbed a test before I left yesterday, just in case you put the pieces together. You're smarter than I thought..." she giggled, and then she turned to face me, and kissed me, holding my hands tightly between us. She was probably panicking.

"Have you taken it?"

"I was going to do it with you. I'm scared of doing it on my own," she admitted, looking down at our linked hands.

"I'm here if you want to," I answered, a little bit nervous as well.

"Do you?"

"I think that it's better to do it tonight. You can have your blood-work tomorrow anyway, but this way we have more time to process it all and talk about what to do," I reasoned.

"Even if it's negative?"

Her answer surprised me but I still suggested, "We can talk about this all night long."

She took the test out from the drawer and I gave her some privacy, stepping out of the bathroom. I heard her put the test next to the basin, and then the door opened and her fresh hands grabbed my shirt. She leaned her cheek against my chest.

"Der, what are we going to do if it's negative?" she mumbled.

"You want it to be positive?" my smile widened.

"Yes! No, wait, no...I don't know, Derek. We didn't talk about it, I'm freaking out, okay?" she finally reacted as I had expected her to.

"Slow deep breaths," I said, more for me than for her.

I kept rubbing her back, trying to soothe her worries, but unable to know what I really wanted either. Another baby could be amazing and special, but even more tiring at the same time. Alice alone was a big, huge commitment, another baby would be overwhelming. But then, thinking back on the baby we had lost and the hollow space between me and Meredith that had been created, I realized that Alice was the only thing that filled it and that this possible baby was all ready gaining its own little spot in our lives. It would be hard to let go of that thought. We hugged each other silently, both too busy with ourselves to share anything more than our quiet support.

Meredith looked at my watch and closed her eyes, whispering, "It's time."

"Okay. It's gonna be fine," I tried to convince the both of us.

"Can...can you look at it?" she stammered. "I'm not good with this emotional stuff, you know," she admitted, briefly tightening her hug.

"I'll do it. Do you want to sit down?"

"Yeah, just in case I feel dizzy again."

I grabbed the test, and then Meredith's hand and we sat on the bed. I sat on the edge, while she leaned her head on my shoulder, sitting cross-legged. She placed her hand over the one of mine that was holding the test, squeezing it.

"I love you Derek," she said, then let go of the hold.

"I love you too," I said back, before sliding my hand off to reveal the result.

Meredith looked down, and then looked up at me smiling widely, every trace of worry replaced by her recent glow.

"I really love you Derek!" She draped her arms around my neck and kissed me hard, her joy overwhelming. Then she placed her hand over her belly, bringing mine with it. I gently rubbed her smooth skin, kissing her again but unable to wipe the smile off of my face.

"We're having a baby." I finally processed. The test was positive and I was going to be a father again.

"Crazy, huh?" she laughed, throwing her arms around my neck again and leaning in for another kiss. Our faces were just a few inches apart, and our grins mirrored each other's. Meredith's eyes had a twinkle that was lost in our everyday routine. _It wasn't every__ day, we we__re having another baby!_

"Want to celebrate?" she smirked lustily, when we stopped for air after another adoring kiss.

"Are you okay?" I checked, all of a sudden the need for her to be fine was more important than anything else.

"I'm freaking out. Are you?"

"I'm scared too."

"It's gonna be okay."

"I know."

"We'll figure things out. Maybe after a long, calming bath..." she smiled again

"Maybe." I grinned then it faded a little "No, wait remember what the doctor said about the bath back when we were waiting for Alice?"

"We can figure things out in bed, then..." she kissed me, sitting on my lap and straddling me, her eyes full of joy. "I'm pregnant, Derek," she said with a smile, before another deep kiss.

I laughed, she rolled over on the bed and I lied down on top of her. I took off her dress and stared at her flat belly, knowing that soon it would grow miraculously. She smiled and trailed her fingers through my hair as I crouched down to kiss her belly, both our faces still wearing matching grins.

We were going to be parents all over again.

* * *

**AN: I just wanted to finish the story with an happy note. It could be open for a sequel, but I'm more than positive that there's never going to be one anytime soon. I'm too busy with other projects to even start thinking about making a sequel of it. It can be done, simply not soon and probably not ever. Don't get your hopes up...Maybe with a lot of convincing though...**

**Well, I hope you enjoyed this last bit and I also hope it wasn't too confusing the whole five years thing. It's five years from the post-it, not exactly five years after the end of chapter 30, I hope it was clear enough from the start. **

**It's gonna be a goodbye for this story then, but stay tuned that I might post a new story sometime soon. Well, as soon as it's nearly done I'll think about posting it. Or them, I might have a couple of projects up my sleeve too, who knows ;)**

**I already said thank you to my Beta, Cheomara7, but once more won't hurt and then thank you so much agan to you, readers. I enjoyed every single second of this experience mostly thanks to all of the people that stopped to read every chapter. You have been wonderful! **

**I'm gonna miss writing this story so much...**

**~Irene**


End file.
